[stayed]

I have hope but I am still standing back and letting her come to me. I do know that you do not flip a switch and all is back to normal. We are both working towards the same goal but the process is slow. Maybe this is because we are still living together?

Nope, it's because it is mid life crisis... nothing moves quickly with it, whether you are living together or separately. 

Just let it happen.  Remain calm, no pressure.  No expectations!  Get some more Nachos and salsa, I think was your preferred "watching" food.

hugs Stayed

[BonBon]

Find the balance between having hope and having no expecations...they are two different things...one deals with an overall optimism and wish, the other deals with getting through each day, one day at a time, and dealing with whatever happens as it happens.

Bon

[welsh]

HFB. what was the difference between just living together and living together put working on R. Was that the result of a discussion or did the relationship just slowly start to have more 'life' in it, did W just slowly come 'back' to you?

From my own perspective of living at home with a W in MLC, how do you know the difference on the slow road to R between a W who may have decided that things are fine as they are, with no pushing or comments from H, no touching, etc, so she'll just cake eat, from a W that starts being calmer, kinder, and starts calling you during the day.

Maybe that is not as clear as I wish..... but when in a 'happier' kind of limbo, when all is fine at home with no monster and things are on more of an even keel do you know whether things are looking better. What if W thinks that she is onto a good thing and is happy for that to carry on...... is this the time to make my own moves forward or do I still stand back and let her make all the moves and see what happens...... and what if it doesn't....

LT down, hope only temp. Glad we not as wild as rumoured....

[BonBon]

Welsh,
Maybe I can help...

You're talking about the status quo.  Warrior Priestess and I had a discussion recently on her thread about this.  I very much feared and suspected my H was going to go on in replay, or edge of replay forever as I knew that I had to let him go through his MLC.  He indeed became nicer over time and I was greatly afraid that somehow, he would be nice yes, but I would never see him come through this tunnel.

For me, this was the time that detachment was key because I did believe his kindness was showing a slight progression through the tunnel...that meant perhaps he was indeed seeing things more clearly and figuring out that he had treated me badly.  But he wasn't ready to see all yet (he's working on that now we hope...but I digress).  At any rate, I figured that if he could see that he had treated me badly, he would also come to see that I was detaching from him.  I put very little interest into his problems, and the same went for the things he was doing that bothered me.

Example:  Whereas before I detached, I would go nutty regarding his facebook activities.  After detachment, I simply showed ZERO interest unless there was something I HAD to address. 

What you typically see if they are moving forward is less monster, slowing of replay, more references to you as their spouse, you as a couple.  During replay, my husband always used "I" or "Me"....never "We" or "Us".  Rarely would he even use the words wife or married or anything like that. 

When he started to see me lose interest in our relationship, he started using words like that again.  There seemed to be a bit more interest in my life, my day again.

This was a good time to do small pushes, subtley, here and there.  I had to find a way to validate his feelings (being that lighthouse he would want to return to) and at the same time VERY subtley let him know his drama was NOT my concern. 

I'm thinking of another example from Facebook.  He would come home and tell me about some post he wrote, how clever it was.  I would say oh, that's' funny.  Then he might say, well, no one really responded.  And I would say, well, Facebook is really a superficial relationship place.  Its not really where you find true validation in life.  Then I would be done with it.  Walk away, change the subject, not try to explain any further.  Just statements of fact, not said harshly at all.

This is a time for you to mirror her.  Respond well to her niceness.  Reject anything negative by ignoring or walking away or a quick and short response.

Hope that helps.
Bon

[Thundarr]

Here come my LT brothers back!!

Btw, I'm stocking up on plenty of nuts for the squirrel tomorrow.  I think it may be a test run for vacation and I'm at least a bit happy she's planning something for the future.

[Doc Hudson]

And I would say, well, Facebook is really a superficial relationship place.  Its not really where you find true validation in life.  Then I would be done with it.  Walk away, change the subject, not try to explain any further.  Just statements of fact, not said harshly at all.

This is spot on both in substance and procedure.

[rover77]

everyone knows that FB is the place to go to look for twuu luv and foreverness

[BonBon]

Rover,
You ALWAYS crack me up!

Thanks Doc!

Welsh, I used the Facebook story because in my relationship, it was a replay behavior for my H....and something I could pretty much ignore...but also something that gave me opportunity for truth darts.

Good luck,
Bon

[hopingfourbetter]

LT down, hope only temp. Glad we not as wild as rumoured....

I knew my sabotage plan would work!

[hopingfourbetter]

HFB. what was the difference between just living together and living together put working on R.   Was that the result of a discussion or did the relationship just slowly start to have more 'life' in it, did W just slowly come 'back' to you?
  Not sure how to answer first sentence. this last year has been weird My W came out of a major funk at valentines day last year, I gave her a gift that had to do with her hobby a camera, at this time we were strapped financially but the look on her face and her even accepting it and the tears that came out of her and my eyes right then I new we were going to make it. We have had some good times but I still felt distance and I did not want to feel the hurt of BD so I was  letting the cards fall where they may. Plus I knew we were not ready for each other. Yes she is slowly coming back to me and I to her, this may be just short lived, and truthfully it is weird I almost feel like I am learning my wife all over. I do not know how to approach her towards intimacy so I don't. I have a hard time talking to her sometimes but it seems to be getting easier.  Hfb

From my own perspective of living at home with a W in MLC, how do you know the difference on the slow road to R between a W who may have decided that things are fine as they are, with no pushing or comments from H, no touching, etc, so she'll just cake eat, from a W that starts being calmer, kinder, and starts calling you during the day.

Maybe that is not as clear as I wish..... but when in a 'happier' kind of limbo, when all is fine at home with no monster and things are on more of an even keel do you know whether things are looking better. What if W thinks that she is onto a good thing and is happy for that to carry on...... is this the time to make my own moves forward or do I still stand back and let her make all the moves and see what happens...... and what if it doesn't....

LT down, hope only temp. Glad we not as wild as rumoured....