[StillStanding]

I just want to chime in with something.... I completely disagree with the snooping and keeping tabs on your spouse after they "come home". Who would want to live without that trust? These are GROWN people!! If they want to cheat, they will find a way and there is NOTHING you can do about it except give them an excuse for doing it!!

There's another perspective about snooping to consider.

In my situation, my wife moved out about a year and a half ago and for the first four months or so I had little to no contact with her. I have no idea if OM came to see her, or if she went to see him, during that time. And even though contact between us is more frequent now, I don't know how much contact she has with OM (my opinion is that it's very little, if any). Right now, the guilt over anything that she has done after she moved out—lies she's told, or things she's done—are things she has to deal with.

Now, say that I discover some evidence about what she's been doing, either accidentally—a plane ticket stub in her car, a love note sandwiched in a book that I she loans me—or via snooping. All that's happened is that more pain and guilt has been created: in addition to the guilt over her actions, there's the pain I feel at discovering them; if she's aware of the discovery, her guilt is only increased.

[SpecialK]

Must have admit I did quite a bit of snooping, looking for answers.  You want to know, but you don't and all you do is ending up hurting yourself even more.

Thank you for all of you who have posted on here, believe me it has helped.   But maybe Miss Welsh is the one, they have only been together since beginning of December, they meet going out to Perth (well that's what he told me when I asked him if he meet someone special - I ask where they meet, he replied irrelavant, then said on the way out.  I ask if it was serious, he said yes). 

She is somene who is new, fresh and probably exciting.  Someone who has not been caught up in his drama over the last 3 years, (the grief his ex (his S's Mum) caused him), she would not have been involved in any of this or saw the effect his ex had on him.  She doesn't remind  him of his past.

Does any of this make sense?  I'm know what I'm trying to say, but I can't find the words.


SKxxx

[With Gods Help!]

Hi Lg i agree with not stooping ...........but i also believe that in order for trust to be built...then there should be full transparency.......yes i agree if we need to snoop and they have been in contact then their not ready....but for me to trust again and or should i say start to trust i want to know what im trusting if that makes sense...i don’t want to spend my life playing detective GOD i did enough of that....but i want to know that im trusting him to tell me .......I don’t want him to walk back in without boundaries .....if he wants to come back home then he will have to adhere to these boundaries for me to be able to trust again.......I know these men/woman are in MLC but it does not give them a license to not know right from wrong....at the minute/moment im giving him the benefit of the doubt because lets be honest we don’t really know what these men/woman know and remember we only have their word for it........for all we know they could just be saying all this to get a free pass back home..........it could be that they have experienced the other side of the fence and realized we aren’t that bad after all....and the grass is not greener....im not saying that i don’t believe MLC exists because i do what im saying is do they conveniently forget things to protect us and themselves xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[eternity]

I just want to confirm that everything what LG described earlier about OW is exactly what I see;Exactly the same. H and OW are using each other. My H may have an identity crisis but OW for sure has abandonment issues and is using emotional blackmail. H threatens to leave OW if she is preventing him to live his life as he wants. That's how he keeps her in place. He does not care about her, he can only care about himself.

But he can not make decisions for himself yet. He would like for OW to take the decision and leave, but she is so desperate that she undergoes the way he threats her. And the drama continues.

Also in my case H tells me it only went well the first  3 months they lived together. H left at BD to live with OW. But even in those 3 months ( he returned after 3 months, to leave again ) H was around all the time, calling me from the restaurant, so I can not imagine that she does not feel that things are not going as she wants. My guess is that the 9 weeks before BD where they hided their R was nice.

E

[FixingMyself]

Really interesting reading about OW. My husband moved in with his 2 weeks ago today, BD was in August and affair was E at that point and I believe became PA in early October when he transferred affections to her.
She is only 24 attractive, he is 43, she is ambitious and is a graduate employee in same area of expertise as him. So apart from the obvious infatuation, she  must be giving him lots of respect and validation - which is a big issue for him. I know from snooping, (which i am proud to say I have managed to avoid for over a week now!), that she really organized the whole moving into the new apartment, my H was a mess over xmas. 

He really is doing the whole escaping pretending he is younger routine, their communication is almost adolescent..... he is a drinker and they developed their relationship through social drinking after work. I noticed he was hung over and down when he came to see kids on Saturday, but what I want to ask is she considered an affair down because of her youth?
Part of me feels that she really might be perfect for him....... why else would he have moved in with her ? But then again I really want to believe its MLC.....its early days I even feel weird using dots as thats what their texts look like......ha!
  .....ha!  is an example of the adolescent texting I was talking about. Wow my H really is in a pathetic sad state.......xxx

Thanks for reading.... hope I didnt take over a thread by asking my own questions but I dont have too many answers yet!

[Phoenix]

I know this may sound like I'm clutching at straws, but how many of have experience your MLCer's having more than one OW/OM (not at the sametime)?

Yes. H is currently with at least OW #3 though she doesn't know it and two of his OW, including this one, were women I loved and trusted as long-time friends and the mothers of D's good friends. I can't explain the pain of that.

In addition, H has been into emailing sex talk to people, cybersex, phone sex and pornography. Lots of betrayal here...

Phoenix

[eternity]

Fixing,
I saw a lot of depression and my H never tried to hide this from me. In the early days H also showed me how fun his life was (at BD H was 45 and OW19). I know OW very well and she is a nice girl but has a lot of issues and the biggest one is abandonment. I consider OW in my sitch as an affairdown, not because of her looks or degree, but because of her emotional state of mind.

i also snooped in the beginning, but have stopped this(I still could because I have access to my H's email account) because in the end is only hurts You and does not change a thing

It is so true what you can read in the articles: you have to do things for you first and not because we want our H back. And you have to chose joy and forgiveness and leave the resentment behind.
on top of that OW is doing some work for us as she puts a lot of pressure on H. if you can show a side of pleasant peace and quiet... You will see...The whole dynamics is working in our favour but it takes time, a lot of time and patience.

i sometimes think my H is safe where he is now, he can not go no where, bad things already happened so what can be worse... it can only get better

And maybe there is some truth in the reasons they give you why they leave, but most of them are nonense. The reasons I get now are completely different from the ones at BD. Take what you use to get you to a better place and do not focus on the others

E

[stayed]

And maybe there is some truth in the reasons they give you why they leave, but most of them are nonsense. The reasons I get now are completely different from the ones at BD. Take what you use to get you to a better place and do not focus on the others

E

This is very good advice, the reasons don't matter now, as they will change "daily" and even when reconciled, they still will not know why they felt the NEED to do this.  Some things there just are no answers to and this, I fear, may be one of those questions. 

Most importantly, please listen to Eternity.  Do what you have to, take whatever YOU NEED, to get YOURSELF to a better place, focus on yourself.  Then when you are there, THAT IS THE TIME to look at what your spouse is doing or not doing.  Then is the time to decide what or how you want to react/behave. 

Your situation will look much different when YOU are stronger and healthier.  Give yourself some time to heal. 

hugs Stayed

[SpecialK]

This is turning into a very interesting post, and fab insights.  Thanks all for your contribution.

I can't make any comment about OW, I don't know her and it would be very unfair of me.  Does the comment I made earlier make any sense with regards to OW:

She is somene who is new, fresh and probably exciting.  Someone who has not been caught up in his drama over the last 3 years, (the grief his ex (his S's Mum) caused him), she would not have been involved in any of this or saw the effect his ex had on him.  She doesn't remind  him of his past.

Before my ex left for Perth to spend Christmas with his brother and his family, I asked him had he considered emigrating out there.  He said no, it's not as good as you think.  I asked him again via email on 27 January, he replied 'yes I am thinking about it, but no plans yet'.   Within a matter of weeks his mind changed, she obviously has a great influence on him that he's prepared to give up his life in this country.

SKxxx

[stayed]

She is someone who is new, fresh and probably exciting.  Someone who has not been caught up in his drama over the last 3 years, (the grief his ex (his S's Mum) caused him), she would not have been involved in any of this or saw the effect his ex had on him.  She doesn't remind  him of his past.

The newnest truly has an impact.  It is exciting, think about it honey, remember when you first fell in love.  Your h seems to be addicted to that "feeling".  He obviously loves being in "love" but hates the pain when it stops.  Your h has not figured out the difference between "true love" and "infatuation/twitterpation".  Look it up SpecialK... it is quite fascinating.

It appears your h has had several OP's.  Tell me, how long did each relationship last?  Research will often provide some answers.  Now, why they are the way they are... good golly, that is anybodies guess.     They just are! 

I think when a lot of time is spent trying to find out answers to why your spouse is doing what they are, I believe is a "distraction" technique we use to avoid "facing" our own demons.  We have been given a gift of time, as OP tells each and every one of us, as we join this forum.  He is absolutely correct.  It is a precious gift, which we are squandering when we WASTE precious moments trying to figure out what is going on in an MLCer's mind. 

Quite honestly, whatever an MLCer is thinking, is like the weather here in Luxembourg, wait 5 minutes and it will CHANGE!!!!!  They are very, very confused people SpecialK.  Use this gift of time for yourself dear... and let your husband "twist in the wind"!  Once you are healthy, healed and ready to move forward, you can bring him in to dry, until then, leave him to it!
hugs Stayed