[Mamma Bear]

  Oh Hi Anne J I was wondeing where you went.
  InThis  Oh thats the accountability HB speaks of. There's no sweeping it under the rug. No way No how. I hear you. Friggin' idiots
  I kind of get the impression my h is using ow for the apt. She is just there. So maybe that's the best way to look at it. it's not like our Hs were some clear headed executives making important decisions. They were like drunk drivers swerving all over the road. Initially I imagine bc we drove them to it  LOL!! But eventually after TIME they do see that they were the catalyst for their own destructive spiral downward. How much he drank or what stupid sexcapades he pretended to enjoy,  I know the real guy and he is not having a good time.
  Try and find some solace in knowing we can only control our present and future.  Past is for     thinky!

[Anjae]

Hi Mamma  like HB, and some others, had done before, my journey has been taking me away from here. And it has been some good peaceful times. Seeing friends, being with siblings, walking, reading, watching movies. Small nice things.

I think a point comes, in the life on a long term LBS where we go way for a while. When we return we are very different. It is an interesting adventure. 

Most likely it is our equivalent of the MCLer journey but a time comes when the LBS curves to the right while the MCLer is still turned to the left. And many miles behind.

You are right, past is for thinking. Thinking is another thing that has been keep me away from here. And calmly looking inside. Yes, we can only control the present (sometimes in the middle of the storm this is difficult) and the future. Controlling our future becomes easier has time goes by. We have detached from the situation, and even from ourselves, several times and everything is seen in another way.

All I can say is that I’m looking forward for the rest of my new life. 

[FixingMyself]

Hi all,
Really interesting catching up with all the discussion even if the drama got removed!!

I think the humour is really important and I laughed out loud last night at something MB wrote.... it felt great!

.... I even had my husband laughing just days after I found out about the affair as he was researching his "groin strain" on the laptop and obsessing that it may be a "sports hernia". I couldn't resist asking him with mock concern..."Remind me again how you did that groin strain?" .....God I laughed so hard............the fact is comedy is so very close to tragedy!!

Well this certainly is a rollercoaster..... my husband just left, after having a really lovely family evening, he was in a great mood as he just found out he has been given a long awaited promotion. Talk about bittersweet.... well at least perhaps he can consider paying int his 401 again!

I wasnt the first to be told when he found out, and I am sure I know who he told first...!..and yes I thought about it. But I smiled sweetly told him how pleased I am for him and how he deserves it.
He seemed so level headed. His Mother called and he actually answered.... as he was with us and able to temporarily alleviate his catholic guilt.

He was very pleasant as he left, I closed the door and cried.... but just a bit.

Then I thought lets see what all the other Left behinds are up to!
I agree with a lot of you the OW has her side its not all her fault shes just infatuated too in my case she thinks they are perfect for each other and that she is looking after this poor unhappily married man who loves his kids.
Thank goodness he got his promotion before they all found out at work that he's shagging one of the graduates.....(hope thats ok Austin Powers says it even though its quite rude where I come from!!)..... oh and he's walked out on his wife and kids for her too..!?

And yes I'm smiling and its really hard for me to slag her off as she is slim and attractive but when I found out boy did I tear into her her taste in clothes she had this coat on, in her facebook page which I hated and I told him " I saw her in that ****ing ugly coat...rant rant...sniff sniff" ........

So the next day in my manic state,  I decide to show my friend, I tell her she looks like a combination of the 2 of us!.........Guess what? ...... facebook page is not accessible...... so I go to Linkedin........and guess whose smiley little bald head comes up as a "mutual friend".........oh yeah how we laughed!

KEEP ON LAUGHING EVERYONE we are going to be, not just fine ......but better,... as a result of this !  no matter how Sh!t it is at times I really believe that.  Wow I've been living here too long I've caught that good old american optimism!!

Finding you all is really helping, the advice and wealth of experience is so valuable.

Sleep well.
Fixing xxxx

[SpecialK]

This is turning out to be a very interesting topic, thanks for all your input.

I'm struggling today, feel quite low and tearful.  I think my councelling session has bought a lot of stuff to the surface, things that I haven't yet faced.  My councellor doesn't get MLC, so therefore I won't bring that up.  He's trying to get me to see that I was still in a relationship with him, but only in my head.  He's getting me to see that he has now moved on, in another relationship and that the fact he's considering emigrating to Australia means that I will have to go through a lot of grief with regards to the house etc.  I know however, this Councelling is about me, not him.

It appears your h has had several OP's.  Tell me, how long did each relationship last?  Research will often provide some answers.

Stayed:  I misunderstood your comments.  Yes my ex did have another OP - he went back to his ex (his Son's Mum).  From what I gather it lasted approx. 6 months, although I believe things started to go wrong before then.  He may have of course had others since he's been gone this time, but new OW seems to have an effect on him especially as he's considering giving up his life here to move to Australia.

Init:  I really feel for you,  have you had councellor to help come to terms with this?

Thanks all, please keep those comments coming in.

SKxxxx

PS  As the old saying goes:  'Laughter is the best medicine' 

[Trustandlove]

Special K,

I hear that your C doesn't get MLC; not many do.  I'm sure this C has been very helpful; I've been following your story since you came here.  However, it might be appropriate to consider a new C at some point.

I say this only because of my own experience; I had a fantastic C for the first 2 years, one who helped me greatly.  However, he also didn't accept MLC, he did accept crises in people's lives, but nothing like this which takes so long to resolve. 

After 2+ years I realised that it was probably best I stop talking to him; his health also came into it and he wasn't able to so much any more, so that naturally brought that to a close.  Upon reflection, it was a good thing, as it let me trust my own intuition more and continue working that way rather than relying on his explanations for everything. 

I'm not trying to say dump your C, just that at some point it might be something to consider.  Counsellors are great, however each has his or her own angle and as we move through our lives it's not always the same one that can best help us. 

He's right about the grief, though. 

[stayed]

Laughter is a wonderful "tonic" SpecialK.  I am stealing a quote from BonBon, she has a wonderful analogy of how we SHOULD/COULD/MIGHT look at HOPE.  We desperately need hope SpecialK, we really do.  Hope is what will OFTEN be the only thing that gets us out of bed in the mornings.  So here is how our new moderator BonBon describes hope for our situation while our spouses are still deep in MLC land.  She says, we can hope for "world peace", end of hunger in the world, equality for all, we don't expect it to happen OVERNIGHT, but it could happen and we can HOPE it will happen. 

I think if we focus on our physical, mental, emotional health we are better able to confront and deal with this nightmare called MLC.  In fact, most things in life work out better when dealt with a healthy, body and mind. 

In my opinion, the first order of business for all of LBS's should be RESTORING ourselves.  I know that is easier said then done but once we understand of the enormity of the situation we are dealing with, I think it becomes glaringly obvious that we need to be in OUR BEST PHYSICAL/ MENTAL/ EMOTIONAL state ever.  I wish somebody had been able to explain that to me.  The first 3 to 6 months are always going to gruesome.  I don't think there is ANY way, those weeks/months of shock and despair can be avoided.  After that period though, if we really want to be able to clearly deal with what has befallen us, then we MUST focus on our overall health.

Hugs Specialk... I know you are struggling honey, it is totally normal.  Take what you WANT from your counselor.  As you go on, you may agree more and more with him... but for now, simply take the BITS AND BITES that make you feel comfortable.  Trust me, as you grow stronger, you will make your own wise choices, with confidence and maybe not absolutely sure, but more sure then you are now.

hugs Stayed

[stayed]

MMMMMM, Specialk asked Subject be changed from OW to OW/OM... hoping that worked... I am not much of a tec whiz...

hugs Stayed...

[stayed]

Wow, sometimes I surprise myself.. hehehe... mission accomplished!  hehehe...

Stayed

[SpecialK]

Wicked - thanks Stayed.

Thank you your comments re Councellor.  I think if mentioned MLC or tried to talk about it, he would think I was on another planet or simply clutching at straws.  I take on board your comments that I may consider changing in the future. One of things I have to look at is why I push people away; when people get close to me the barriers come down and I develop childlike tantrums etc., this is something I have done in all of my relationships. 

BTW  I hope Nes doesn't mind me sharing.  Her sister is currently training to be a Councellor and they are now touching on the subject of MLC, not a lot, but at least it's beginning to become recognised.

SK xxx

[Sassyone]

SpecialK:

Big hugs to you.  This is a hard journey for sure.  What Stayed posted is so true, yet so hard to accomplish in the beginning.  Keep trying, when you get there and you will with the support of everyone here, you will experience a sense of calm.  Not calm that everything is okay, but calm that you have choices in this journey, in your life, you get to live.

Counselors often don't get MLC.  So, take a different approach and talk to them about someone being seriously depressed and making manic decisions.  That seemed to help with my counselor and forced her to read up on MLC.  She confirmed this week even after a year of counseling that depressession (didn't say MLC) is a serious disorder and when untreated and escalating it acts as a disease and people are in altered stated.  Hmmmm, sounds like MLC to me!    If you  need to, get a different counselor but as Stayed said take bits and pieces from him/her.  It is the same for this forum.  Everyone's sitch is similar yet very different.  Read and take bits and pieces from everyone.  It isn't all black and white on this journey, but shades of grey.  Trust your instinct.

I have seen on this board where members counselors are telling them what to do.  If that is really the case then that's not their purpose.  Their purpose is to listen and guide you.  If you tell them you want to stand for your marriage their purpose is to help you do so.  No doubt your counseling sessions bring up a lot of emotions.  I often felt a downward spiral for hours or days afterwards just because they brought out so many emotions.  Over time, though, I learned how to deal with my emotions constructively.  I learned how to let them move through them, feel them and process them.  As OP says your gift in this journey is time.  (Trust us you will hate that saying and then come to embrace it!   It is true.  Counseling doesn't change things overnight, but IMHO it can help an LBS'er immensely. 

Hugs,

Sassy