[SpecialK]

Hi everyone

Apologies for the delay in replying; yesterday I had the headache from hell and went to bed when I got home from work.  It still hurts but not as bad as yesterday.

Wow this is turning into a very interesting post, loads of great stuff is coming out, things that we've wanted to talk about.  The good thing is we have the opportunity to talk about it without anyone dismissing it, and really listening to us.

With regards to my Ex's new OW I can't comment because I don't know anything about her (except he's serious about her).  In my head she is pretty, slim, younger than me, intelligent, loving and giving.   I use to had issues about my looks and my body (especially when I was a Weight Watchers Leader). I use to look in the mirror and saw this fat ugly person looking back.  I could never understand what my ex saw in me.   In my last job I was always pulled up about my confidence, every review, 1:1 it was bought up.  Last year when I was going through hell I work, it was mentioned all the time.  Consequently I believe this and acted accordingly.  When I eventually left my confidence was on the floor and I took it into my current job.  It took me months to get to where I am now.  I work with a great bunch of guys, and this job has really helped me to build myself up.  I'm not that person I was in the work place that I was then.  I have decided to put looking for new job on hold for now and build on my skills etc.

My ex is a very intelligent bloke and the things I found really funny, he didn't. 

As I mentioned yesterday, my Counsellor has bought a lot of stuff to the surface.  Yes I want to move on, by that I mean move on with me and put all the stuff that's been holding me back behind me.  I'm doing it for me.  No I don't want to give up my stand, but I want to learn to put him in a box so to speak, and work on me, and I'm doing it for me.  I haven't told my Counsellor about standing, he wouldn't understand, he would (probably) think I was deluded and wasting my time, and would encourage me otherwise.  So those thoughts I will only share here, a place where I feel completely safe and people really understand.

Reading through the posts, something else has come to mind.  When I first starting to see my ex he mentioned that at the beginning of year until about April, he always very felt low (depressed) and looking back things between during that time were not brilliant.  I can't remember what prompted this, but last year he mentioned that when he was younger he considered suicide to see what it was like and that everyone considers it in their life.  Do they?  I don't think so.  Even at my lowest, that is something I have never ever considered.

He also had a thing about taking medication and would take medication if he felt really bad.  He suffers badly with a a hernia (I can't spell the name of it or pronounce it properly, but it's the one that effects the stomach), and piles.  These play up badly when he's stressed (btw he doesn't believe in stress lol).   His attitude is you just get on with it, and buries himself in work so that he doesn't have to think.  His Mum is very much the same attitude - you just get on with it.

Right best get dressed showered, dress and get to work.  Catch up later.

Thanks again everyone, loads of love.



SKxxxxx

[kikki]

He suffers badly with a a hernia (I can't spell the name of it or pronounce it properly, but it's the one that effects the stomach), and piles.  These play up badly when he's stressed (btw he doesn't believe in stress lol).   His attitude is you just get on with it, and buries himself in work so that he doesn't have to think.  His Mum is very much the same attitude - you just get on with it.

Inguinal hernia maybe?

'Just get on with it' = denial!  His mother is the same?  Usually the way unfortunately.  Denial runs in families - it's a poor coping mechanism that doesn't work forever - hence the MLC!!! 

Buries himself in work?  Workaholism is the most socially accepted of all of the addictions.  RCR recommends Terence Real's 'I don't want to talk about it - understanding the secret legacy of male depression'.  Explains covert depression.  An amazing read to understand our MLCers.

Fantastic to hear that your confidence is on the up - your new job sounds great 

[SpecialK]

It's a hiatus hernia.

I never felt comfortable around his Mum, she's not at all maternal.  When her husband died (they were together over 20 years), she didn't cry and she told me she was determined not to cry.  I'm someone who get upsets quite easily, so to me that was odd, unhealthy.

SK xxx

[Sassyone]

Special K:

Mommy issues.  Your MIL has trouble expressing emotions (very similar in my case).  Does your husband have the same thing?  I think the stoic personality and the sweeping under the rug or glossing over issues personality has a lot to do with MLC.  It takes a long time to learn how to behave differently.

I can't imagine not crying when someone I loved died.  Where does that hurt an pain go.  Stress manifests itself in physical symptoms . . . . eventually.

I am glad you are finding your self-confidence.

Hugs,

Sassy

[SpecialK]

In most cases yes he does.  He was alway very affectionate towards me - hugging, cuddling, staring at me like I was going to disappear.  At the start of our relationship, he cried at few times but couldn't or wouldn't tell me why he was upset.   I also remember him breaking down a few days after my Dad's funeral.  We were out with my family at dinner and his Son called.  After the call he was in tears, and wanted to be alone.  He wouldn't tell me what was up.  He cried quite a bit when he dropped the first BD.

Other areas, yes he does come across as uncaring and hard.  He keeps everything in, hence why, I believe, he suffers with his tummy.

Nor me, I still cry about my Dad even now.  She was eventually diagnoised with IBS.

SKxxx

[stayed]

I'm glad to see you focusing on yourself specialk... it is essential to turn this nightmare into a defining moment for yourself.  Something like this, in my opinion, either makes you sit up and get busy living... or lay down and give up. 

You don't strike me as a quitter.  BE kind to yourself. Take one day at a time.  If you have a bad day, know tomorrow will be better. 

hugs Stayed...

[Sassyone]

Amen Stayed!

Something like this, in my opinion, either makes you sit up and get busy living... or lay down and give up. 

You are doing great SpecialK!

Sassy

[kikki]

It's a hiatus hernia.

I never felt comfortable around his Mum, she's not at all maternal.  When her husband died (they were together over 20 years), she didn't cry and she told me she was determined not to cry.  I'm someone who get upsets quite easily, so to me that was odd, unhealthy.

Ah - they're painful!!

When my MIL's H died, she also prided herself in not crying.  My H also didn't cry.  The boys and I did.  The boys and I thought it was odd!
Stoic is the word.
My H did say that he cried a lot - four years later, in secret before BD.  I told him it was his depression.  He turned tail and ran ...............

[SpecialK]

Thank you 

No I'm not a quitter, although I feel that I've taken a very big step back, I also know the only way is up and I will come through this  a much stronger and confident person.

I know my ex has a lot of issues, and there is a part of me that tells me that some of them have come to the surface and he's fighting against them, and Miss Welsh has come along at the right time, a diversion, to take him away/his mind off what's really going on.  When I first heard that he was seeing someone else, the thought that went through my head was it won't last.  I realise of course be totally wrong and he's really happy with her.

I also want to learn to trust my initution, hopefully this is somthing else that will come in time.

SK xxx

[stayed]

SpecialK, I think you know, the last place an MLCer is at him/herself.  I can only assume it must be too scary, or it just does not occur to them. 

The best way of dealing with this, is to become as healthy as you possibly can.  With health come confidence and clarity.  So much easier to see what is real and what isn't.  You are doing both your husband and yourself a huge favour by getting yourself under control SpecialK. 

I would be very surprised if this new RELATIONSHIP is the real McCoy my dear.  Most MLCer's just are not capable of truly loving anybody at the moment.  The relationship has been built on some pretty unstable ground.  For now honey, try not to "think" about that... lot's of time for those thoughts, once you have yourself healthier and better able to cope.

You are sounding stronger each and everytime you post ... you are doing great.  All will be well! 

hugs Stayed