[nesquick2]

hey sk  i have been reading along to this thread with interest. i so hope asking all these questions is helping you. its amazing how we all view ow or om. at bd i was a mess. ow was in my head for about 4 months and i dont know how or what kicked in but i knew the only way i could move on was to detach away from her also. thank god it worked. she is not worth my brain space. you are getting there hun. did you go the gym this week as i know you joined up 

[stayed]

I agree Nesquick, I think for me, it was simply pride, I felt like giving her any space in my head was in a sense giving her power over me.  Just the different ways people view things.  I also think it was my way of DEMEANING her value.  It has always been my experience that the one thing people really hate is NOT BEING NOTICED.  To me she was invisible... hehehe!  Greatest insult, I could give her.

It worked for me, but we are all different.

Good discussion... hugs Stayed

[Buggy31]

I agree Nesquick, I think for me, it was simply pride, I felt like giving her any space in my head was in a sense giving her power over me.  Just the different ways people view things.  I also think it was my way of DEMEANING her value.  It has always been my experience that the one thing people really hate is NOT BEING NOTICED.  To me she was invisible... hehehe!  Greatest insult, I could give her.

It worked for me, but we are all different.

Good discussion... hugs Stayed

This has been my strategy too...she is NOTHING to me...I barely acknowledge her presence when I am around her.  I walk into her house..say hi maybe...mostly interact with H and my kids.  It's not bitter...hard to explain...I just don't validate anything about her.....I won't be mean and b****y but I won't be fake and nicey nicey either.

This is going to sound crazy but I don't worry about her at all...never really did.   There is NO comparison between her and I....none..and I know this.  She is just a side note...a yucky symptom. 

Stayed is right..she doesn't deserve any power over the LBS...that's why it's so important to focus on yourself and let her be.

HUGS
BUGS

[SpecialK]

I am trying to stop obsessing about her but it comes in waves and as time goes by and I move on in my journey it will become easier and I will get to the point where it won't matter anymore.  When I eventually found he'd gone back to his ex it didn't have a great effect on me.  Maybe because he didn't tell me until after we'd been back together for 4 months, and it was only because I asked why they didn't get back together.  With new ow he told me shortly after he started seeing her - but again it was because I asked if he'd meet someone special, although I knew.  He maintained he was going to tell me when he next saw me.  That's what makes me believe that he's finally found 'the one'.

Right now thoughts keep going round in my head the things he said over the last year, things that maybe I should have listened properly.  Like the time last June when I told he I don't believe for one moment he hasn't stopped loving me.  His reply was 'that's as maybe, but we can never be together'.  He gave me a reason, and for the life of me I can't remember maybe because I had zoned out and didn't want to listen.  He also said that's the reason why he doesn't stay over anymore.  He hasn't stayed in the house since last March.

When he talked about moving back into the house last December (as housemates), I couldn't understand why as he didn't spend more than a couple of hours in my company every few weeks, so why one earth would he even consider moving back in.  But in his head he had it all worked out.    Then he meets Miss Welsh, and everything has changed.

I'm sorry for souding so negative today, it's probably because it's the week-end and I know he'll be spending his week-end with her, and it's still quite raw.

I've just got my PC back, it had been ill for a little while and had to go hospital.  A lot of stuf has been wiped off, including loads of photos.  The strange thing is, the photos that's left came up on screen, when the one's of him appeared it really felt he was still very much around me,  still in my life.  But as my Councellor said, it's in my head.

Thank you for listening.



SK xxxx

[SpecialK]

Something else I meant to add - I do get OW/OM.  I have often thought it would be nice to find someone new, experience the excitment, the thrill, fun, the way it makes you feel.  It would certainly take away the focus off the stuff that's going on and make me feel real again.  This horrible 'blank' feelng would go away, at least for a while.


SKxxx

[SpecialK]

Do you ever wished you could dig a big hole, sleep and wake up when everything is back to 'normal', you feel good, in a good place and your head no longer runs away with you 

xxx

[Sassyone]

Hugs, Special K.

Yes, I have wished that before.  Unfortunately, we shouldn't want to go back to the way it was.  If we are honest with ourselves, some of the things our MLC'ers say have truth ingrained in them.  Not all of it of course, but some. 

I liked what Stayed said about the OW being invisible.  I know it is hard, I still have issues of thinking of my H's OW and she has been out of the picture for 6 months.  She is taking up wasted space in my brain.  Has it gotten better?   Yes, but I want her out completely.  Try to start thinking of that other person as flawed.  You are focusing on she is the "one".  Yikes, if my H's OW was the "one" when he was in deep replay . . . she could have that nut case.  We really don't want them when they are like that, we want who they were.

Pretend she doesn't exist, pretend she is invisible.  It's hard but they are just a symptom and everything that my H has told me NOW (not then, because they lie to EVERYONE) is that it was a volatile, chaotic relationship, just like his brain was during that time.  Doesn't sound like a whole lot of fun.

I feel your pain, we all do as most of us have been there.  Be gentle to yourself.  Do something for yourself.  Focus on you.  It is a hard lesson to learn, but really once you can focus on you and your new life, you will find a sense of calm.  When we are calm we are more rationale and can make choices in our lives.

"You can close the windows and darken your room, and you can open the windows and let light in. It is a matter of choice. Your mind is your room. Do you darken it or do you fill it with light?"  Let the sun in, I promise it won't burn.  HUGS, thoughts and prayers go out to you.  You are special and this journey will show you how strong and courageous you are. 

Sassy

[SpecialK]

Hi Sassy

No definately wouldn't want to go back.  I meant come up sometime in the future when everything is good 

I am trying really hard today, but so low and on the verge of tears.  I know it will pass, but I'm so tired of feeling this way; I can't remember at time now when I didn't have this heavy heart feeling.  I just feel that at this stage I should be much further on and he should no longer be in my thoughts.

I totally agree with regards to OW, I am giving her head space and it's not doing me any good at all. 


SK xxx

[SpecialK]

Another bit of a rant, my heads working overtime today    Please feel free to slap me.

When my ex came back to me he was experiencing a lot of grief from his ex, it was awful.  She'd leave messages on the house phone sobbing her heart out, she threated suicide on many occassions to the point where she was put on suicide watch.  Threated several times to smash his flat up etc.  Her main aim was to break us up/break him down and she succeeded on both.

I do feel hurt/angry about is I supported him as much as I could during this time, I tried to be that lighthouse.  Even after the second BD, I tried to be there.  Now when he's back on track, he finds someone else who gets the best of him.

Rant over - sorry.  I just need to get all this negative stuff out otherwise it will just keep eating away at me.

SK xxxx

[limitless]

SK,

Another bit of a rant, my heads working overtime today    Please feel free to slap me.

SLAP!     - Does that feel better?

When my ex came back to me he was experiencing a lot of grief from his ex, it was awful.  She'd leave messages on the house phone sobbing her heart out, she threated suicide on many occassions to the point where she was put on suicide watch.  Threated several times to smash his flat up etc.  Her main aim was to break us up/break him down and she succeeded on both.

I do feel hurt/angry about is I supported him as much as I could during this time, I tried to be that lighthouse.  Even after the second BD, I tried to be there.

Boy - that was some affair down that time!  You would think that the MLCer would "learn his lesson" after going through all of that. 

It is understandable that you feel hurt that you stood by him - and he didn't seem to get it or appreciate it.  I promise you - he will remember (if he doesn't already) that you were kind to him when he was hurting.  Unfortunately - it is all about HIM - so he just isn't in the mode to appreciate your kindness - but that doesn't mean he didn't notice it nor that he won't remember it.  He does and will.

Now when he's back on track, he finds someone else who gets the best of him.

I have two comments on this.  This is another proof that it isn't about the other person and was never about the other person.  He didn't find his one true love and then when that didn't work - find his 2nd true love.  It is all attempts to avoid and make himself happy through someone else.  This will not work, by the way.

2nd comment - someone else gets the best of him?  No.  I don't think so.  He may put on an act for awhile - but the mask slips.  This is not the best of him - but you already know that......you just feel sad right now.

Rant over - sorry.  I just need to get all this negative stuff out otherwise it will just keep eating away at me.

SK xxxx

It's good to get these feelings out.  That is one of the great things about this forum.  Rant away!  Get it out!  Don't allow it to eat away at you.

You are doing okay....So, don't worry.

Hugs,

L