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Author Topic: Discussion How did MLC improve your returned spouse?

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Discussion How did MLC improve your returned spouse?
OP: February 12, 2012, 01:41:49 PM
Some of you have said that your return spouses (I usually hear this said about husbands) are much better people than they were when they left--or better yet, they are better husbands than they ever were at any time before MLC.

Can you give examples of how they are better? Do I understand that they are more thoughtful?  It's not the remorseful acts, I hope, that folks are talking about.

I'm not standing, because I don't have a lot of faith that my H will dramatically transform himself in this way, but I am curious as to what you are talking about. For me, it would take a lot more than dozens of roses and loads of groveling--I would want him to be more generous, less self-absorbed, less irritable, funnier, less impatient, and on and on, than he ever was at any time in our relationship.

What transformations have you witnessed?
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Re: How did MLC improve your returned spouse?
#1: February 12, 2012, 01:49:01 PM
Quote
--I would want him to be more generous, less self-absorbed, less irritable, funnier, less impatient, and on and on, than he ever was at any time in our relationship.


Yep all the above. My H was always fairly kind and considerate but it was usually focused on others rather than me, the kids, his family , friends  etc.

Now he is in tune with me much more. if i look down he will come over and put his arms around me and say come here while I cuddle you...he will call or text to ask if I am OK He will suggest we go places whilst before he never wanted to. He is greatly improved...but it took a while  :)
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Re: How did MLC improve your returned spouse?
#2: February 12, 2012, 02:22:20 PM
Great topic- I too would love to know some answers to that question...LOL!
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n
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Re: How did MLC improve your returned spouse?
#3: February 12, 2012, 03:18:46 PM
wow this is going to be a great read  ;D
starting over am i right in thinking that you are not standing any more or are you having second thoughts. im just curious to know  :D
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Re: How did MLC improve your returned spouse?
#4: February 12, 2012, 03:35:15 PM
Not standing.

I have lots of thoughts (second thoughts, third thoughts, millionth thoughts  ;) ), but I'm not committed to my STBXH.
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To love is to value. Only a rationally selfish man, a man of self-esteem, is capable of love—because he is the only man capable of holding firm, consistent, uncompromising, unbetrayed values. The man who does not value himself, cannot value anything or anyone. --Ayn Rand
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Re: How did MLC improve your returned spouse?
#5: February 12, 2012, 03:45:45 PM
ok  ;D i get what youre saying. just curious to know why youre asking this question. if your hubby returned a new man, would you take him back
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make the most of everyday. keep smiling and laughing. why because it makes us feel sooooo much better in ourselves :0)
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Re: How did MLC improve your returned spouse?
#6: February 12, 2012, 03:52:07 PM
Quote from: nesquick2 on February 12, 2012, 03:45:45 PM
ok  ;D i get what youre saying. just curious to know why youre asking this question. if your hubby returned a new man, would you take him back

Maybe. But that's a big, GIANT "if." And all I have to go on is years and years of past behavior, to help me make decisions. It is interesting to think about, for sure. And that's why I asked the question, sort of in terms, in my own mind, like, "If he WAS going to change, what would he be like?"

But as I said, I'm looking forward to a new life of my own, too.

He's having his independent "fun" and I intend to do the same. I gave 20+ of my best years, and I'm not giving any more.

If he and I should cross paths 20 years from now and I like the man he's become (and vice-versa) then we'll see, if we're both available.
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To love is to value. Only a rationally selfish man, a man of self-esteem, is capable of love—because he is the only man capable of holding firm, consistent, uncompromising, unbetrayed values. The man who does not value himself, cannot value anything or anyone. --Ayn Rand
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Re: How did MLC improve your returned spouse?
#7: February 12, 2012, 03:56:13 PM
i get your way of thinking  ;D hope you get some good answers on this thread
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Re: How did MLC improve your returned spouse?
#8: February 12, 2012, 10:01:56 PM
I am also very interested and hoping more stop by to respond!!  I love to read about the happy endings!

StartingOver, I'm with you.  Married 20 years, well into year 3 of MLC, and even though H lives in empty office space, is racking up HUGE legal debt (we both are), and his kids rarely agree to see him, he has shown no signs of waking up.  In fact, he's burrowing down deeper into self pity.

I feel like I've maybe turned the corner into acceptance and looking forward to a new life (broke...but money ain't everything!), but am still so angry about what he's done to our kids.  I've also wondered what I would do if he called and wanted to come home...but I don't think much past that because I know it just won't happen.
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Re: How did MLC improve your returned spouse?
#9: February 13, 2012, 07:29:31 AM
First when they return home, they are still very broken and there is no magic pill but time for them to heal.  It takes a lot of patience.

My H was always a very affectionate man and caring man before his MLC.  It took a while to see, but when he started healing I noticed that he was much more sensitive.  I would have to say for lack of a better term he is more in tune with his feminine side.  He can be emotional with me, he needs physical touch and presence (part of that is reassurance that I am still here I am sure).  He is softer in nature.   H is more in tune with my emotions and his as well.  He can speak his mind now and is no longer sweeping things under the rug.  He can disagree with me and not be afraid of how I react (oops guess that's a change in me too  :P)

H is very cognizant about the things I do around the house to help lessen his burdens and vice versa.  He thanks me for doing small things for him and actually notices.  H has more patience with me but seems to have less with other (think that is still part of the MLC process.)

Hope that helps.

Sassy

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