I don't think that its possible to stand without hope. How could you if, somewhere in the back of your head you weren't doing this in part to put your marriage back together. I know that everyone says detach. I get the idea, I really do. But, if I didn't hold out for some kind of hope then what would be the point of going through all this heartache.
As much as I hear that you need to detach, gal, find your own way. Humans being what we are, we feel, hurt, anger, resentment, love. Without feeling these things, then we are not human.
I can work on being a better person, I can work on getting on with my life. I can learn to live my life without him. But as long as I love him and want my marriage to work, that's why I stand. But, there WILL be times when its tooooooo much, when I am angry, when I do feel immense pain and hurt. If I didn't feel these things then there would be no love for him, no hope that I can make a difference with my stand.
Quite frankly, when I come here to vent and say what Im feeling, it is with hope. Because without it then there is NO POINT OF STANDING. I could move on, find someone else. Not have to deal with this everyday.
And regardless of where we are on this journey, we do deal with it everyday. Especially those of us who still live with our spouses. Who look at that person, that we have loved, had children with, shared our hope and dreams with everyday.
So, galing, it takes your mind off of it for awhile, Then the reality of how, at this moment we have choosen to live is still there!!!. There when we sleep, there when we remember what it was like, there when we realize that we are standing, with hope.
If I couldn't look at my h, with the hope that I can do this. That my standing, being the lighthouse, paving the way. Being a better person, showing my love and that although he is lost, I am still there, then what would be the point?
I have made the changes that I needed FOR ME, I have better skills to be a better wife, and mother. I can stand on my own two feet. I have worked on me.
But, when I come here, tell my story, journal about the babysteps that I see, the mistakes that I make, its because I feel safe here. This is the one place I can drop my defenses, let down my guard. Not be the strong one.
At home I have to be all these things. Don't let him see the hurt, don't get angry, dont ask questions, dont poke the beast. I have to hold myself together everyday. We all do, even if we wont admit that it hurts, that is draining, that its hard.
So my friends, when I come here and Im just me. The one that's hurting, confused, drained, and I can't think straight. I come to you, my friends, my family. The only people that I know, know how this feels.
C