[Sands]

My hope is that one day I can live with the decision I've made, it being standing or letting go. I am in limbo at the moment. I did not think that I would find myself in this place. Not wanting to Stand anymore. From RCR articles I expected to come to the point where I may not want to continue to stand. I told myself "not me" I WILL STAND! As of late, since no contact with H, I've felt anger of what he has done. I can't get it off my mind that he chose THAT over me, our children, our family, our future. THAT thing that was able to persuade him to an illicit affair. How dare he do this to me!!!!!

Now that I have had the time to think, re-access my marriage. It was never good. NEVER. Why would I want that back? He is incapable of being the man I want, the man I need. What has helped me through this from the beginning is the thought that we could have it better than ever. This is just fantasy now. 

I can't even imagine HOW he could ever make it up to me. Am I being selfish? or do I need reassurance of his loyalty? How can I recover enough from this anguish to want to be the wife (he deserves) I want to be? HOW?? He doesn't deserve my patience, my honesty, my loyalty, MY LOVE!

AM I DETACHING TOO MUCH?  Detaching from spouse who lives at home is very hard..... but it is easier to hold on to hope when spouse is home too. 

Confused, tell it like it is sister ♥♥♥  Thank you for your honesty.     XXOO

[Finding Hope]

Sands,

In the beginning I wondered if it was all my fault, what if I had done this or that. Did that for months. I too realize that I wasnt in the marriage I wanted to be. He wasn't the man I thought that he was, was HOPING for.

If it is true that they come out better men, then I am willing to wait. If after all this, all the hurt,pain and confusion and he is still the selfish man that he has always been. Then, I know that I did my best. I can walk away that I was strong in my stand. Im a better person and if this is all I get out my stand, then it will have to be good enough for me, I won't have a choice. None of us will. We will have to go on because we still have children, responsibilitys. Work, home, pets.

So to stand or not to stand has to be an individual decision. You do what your heart tells you to. Because in the end you have to be OK with you.

Love Ya
C

[good4me]

Confused

What you are feeling is natural and normal . I feel all the things you wrote of almost daily. But I hope and pray the my husband will be the better man that I have heard of upon his return back to me and our marriage. You see I believe that he will be back. He was the bright light in my dark sad world. Gosh I miss him so very much  It would be easier if the rest of our world was supportive and understanding about our situation and our choice to stand for our spouses. But in this world it's always on to the next thing. Don't try to fix or save your marriage just replace them. Well I know I don't can't won't be replacing my husband. Maybe that sounds naive but my heart wants what it wants and he is mine strongest heart's desire.

Come here to let out all the feeling of confusion, anger, sadness, joy anything .We will be hear to cry with you and cheer you on.

Love and Hugs ,
G4m

[xyzcf]

Confused...do not feel shame..this is not a race and I truly think that we must face it and grieve every bit of it to come out healthy. I think about my husband everyday...as soon as I awake, when I get up at night, throughout the day.....I wish I could turn it off but the best I have been able to do is to lower the volume.....and accept that he is gone.

I don't know what is easier..if they live at home, if they don't...I do know it hurts.

Sands......none of our marriages were perfect...and it is something I have to understand..but then again, MLC is not about our marriage, our relationship or me. You do what is totally right for you...and somedays that might be standing and somedays not and it doesn't need to be a decision one way or the other. You are the important one...YOU are what matters.

If they return, we have been warned that they will be "broken"  so which ever happens, we have to find ourselves and become whole again......perhaps standing gives us the time to do that although the temptation to be loved by someone else is very strong...it is our innermost need and is difficult to resist.

Much love to both of you and to all the rest of us who are so confused from one moment to the next....as I often share with Trusting and DGU.., I HATE MLC!!!!!!

[Thundarr]

Wow.  What an awesome thread.  Confused, you described the situation so eloquently and much less confrontationally than I.  I could have written your post as I experience all those same emotions daily as well.

So, if I'm understanding RCR correctly then none of us have reason to lose hope in our sitches but neither do we have reason to have more than basic hope.  All sitches and people are different and what applies to someone else's W may be apples and oranges to mine.  In the be-all and end-all, all of us have a 50/50 chance.  They'll either return or they won't.

As far as "new and improved," I'll happily take the old W back despite her flaws.  We weren't perfect, but I do think we were lucky to have each other.  I stand because I want her back as well as my family.  Saturday showed me that and if she were to stay like she was then I'm all in.

[WarriorPriestess]

All sitches and people are different and what applies to someone else's W may be apples and oranges to mine.  In the be-all and end-all, all of us have a 50/50 chance. 

I agree with your first sentence here Thundarr.  I disagree with the second.  The part I take issue with, and that I took issue with in your previous post on the L2 thread, was the generalizing.  No one on this board, you or anyone else, can speak with authority for what will happen to ALL OF US (or any individual one of us for that matter).  There are too many conditions, too many variables, to categorize ALL LBSers or ALL MLCers under one umbrella.  That is what I meant when I said earlier to "speak for yourself."  In the end, that is all any of us can do with certainty. 

Edit to add: 
Assuming we WERE basing this argument solely on quantifiable data, and not just random numbers being postulated by various people, "There are three kinds of lies:  lies, dam*ed lies, and statistics."  The meaning found in these numbers is usually what you make of it. 

[Thundarr]

Hey WP,

I was generalizing but that was the point.  There are extraneous variables in every situation but we truly don't know how much weight any of them carries, as you said in your previous post that we are merely inferring info based on what we read online.

I stand behind the statement as it is pure science if we start out with only two possible outcomes.  Lacking research and controlled conditions we are fumbling in the dark in many respects and trying to find a path to follow.

[WarriorPriestess]

Lol Thundarr, I'm looking at it from a scientific (as well as mathematical) viewpoint as well.  Perhaps that is the difference between inductive vs. deductive reasoning? 

http://www.sjsu.edu/depts/itl/graphics/induc/ind-ded.html

[RivenIN2]

Thundar I do not believe that she was trying to say we have little or no chance. She is merely pointing out that no hard numbers exist and that if they did they would have a probability of being very low because of all the individual circumstances. She is further pointing out that NONE OF THAT SHOULD MATTER!
The decision to Stand should not be based on percent of probability but on your own heartfelt decision. I struggled terribly with this as I think everyone did. I agree that men have the worst time with it because we try to look at it logically and weigh the odds of success. But in the end no odds make the difference. It is still a personal decision. Also this movement is in it's infancy, like many things before it the odds will improve with more trial and error. The more people stand the better the odds that a workable practice will evolve from it.

[RivenIN2]

Oh and hello Thundar
I have seen you post in a number of threads but have not had the opportunity to say hello.