[With Gods Help!]

Im with limitless and Kiki.......my BD was 33 months ago and ive been with h 25 yrs.........i was told it usually takes 1 month for every year together to recover...........and by someone else 1 year for every 5 yrs together.............my h as a lot of childhood issues...........so i feel he will take longer in replay...........if the stats were right my h would have left replay 8 months ago.......although hes more accommodating and calm hes still in replay....i also think it depends the dynamics of the MLC and whether there’s other woman/ man thrown in and in my case the baby....... all MLCers are totally individual so it would be hard to even guesstimate the length xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[justasking]

Maybe we should take our eyes off the time element and let the process complete itself as it needs to.

IMO timeframes raises expectations and makes us feel disillusioned when it doesn't happen and pulls us back onto the rollercoaster.

xx

[Standing in Patience]

Response to the thread.

First of all, thank you to everyone that has written so far. I'm throwing out the question to see if there is any credence to the thought that there is a time impact. Whether it was for the replay time period or for the recovery time - maybe it was the recovery time.

I agree - each situation is unique. It depends on the mlcer and the lbspouse. Each action, interaction, nonaction all have their impact. And of course, if there are OW, OM, OW baby or if there are FOO or children issues.

In my case, I am pretty much detached. Now and then my h contacts me, and now and then I contact h for issues around children and finances. I have been kind and he has been kind. I feel that there is some reconnection but no discussion at all about relationships. He laments now and then as he has in the past about money, job, commute, etc. Similar to conversations we have had in the past. No talk about OW. No spewing or anger.

Please feel free to comment one way or another on this thread. All discussions are helpful to especially to the newbies - well frankly, to all of  us.

[Covenant for Life]

BD was exactly 4 years ago this month.  We were together 25 years - married for 23 of those.  H is still deep into replay - speed-skating, rock climbing, and now adultery.  H has almost totally stopped being a Dad to our D20 and S17.  What's the record for remaining in the tunnel?  We could have Olympic categories for all of these behaviors!

He is and was so immature that I am wondering if he will ever face the severity of his actions.  He truly does act like he is 15.  How sad that our son 17 has to deal with a father who is younger mentally than he is.

4 years is a long time to stand, but I will continue to do so as I have heard from God to continue to uphold my marriage covenant.

[Faith]

Covenant, my H is also much less mature emotionally, spiritually, and even intellectually than my 17 year old D.  Although she hasn't said so, I can tell D knows this as well.  Listening to their conversations is just amazing as her words are intelligent and logical even if she's emotional and H's responses are recycled versions of the same craziness over and over.  D is realizing that the effort isn't worth the frustration.

It is really sad because our kids just can't muster up any respect for these men after a while, even though they want to.

[Finding Hope]

Married 25 years, BD was 3/8/11 and I have no idea where he is at. OH WAIT, in the mantruck!!!!!!!!

C

[WarriorPriestess]

Married 25 years, BD was 3/8/11 and I have no idea where he is at. OH WAIT, in the mantruck!!!!!!!!

C

LOL C!   

[missybuddha]

oh my h well into replay, think replay started 6 years ago gradual process really kicked off just before BD a year ago.
A mutual friend went to see my h when we were on (failed he came back then went again ) trial separation and said that my h was acting as if he were 17 
which validated MLC it was a relief to hear that.

[LettingGo]

Liimitless is correct.... the correlation of months of marriage is about how long it takes to RECOVER and GRIEVE after divorce. MLC takes 5-7 years, but not all in the same STAGE. There is a buildup of irritableness and dissatisfaction, though you may not see it even in hindsight, then usually a trigger that leads to BD. Replay lasts a MINIMUM of two years.

My BD was exactly two years ago. The buildup to it started YEARS before.... can't put my finger on it, except for the ED, which was an indication of depression as well as problems in our marriage... specifically, my part in cutting him off at the knees as a man due to RESENTMENT, and also due to HIS resentment towards me.... both of us were to blame. His affair is at the two year mark, unless he told the truth that he didn't meet OW prior to BD.... it would still be pretty much at the two year mark as he moved straight from "separation" to OW. The affair started losing it's shine about 3 months into it... really got bad at the 9 month mark which caused them to ramp up their efforts at "True love" and move in together. He was begging to come home one month after they moved in together. After several failed returns which were more about getting away from her, and then PUNISHING her to keep her in line, he left her in their apartment and moved his stuff back home... though always leaving SOMETHING at her place as an excuse to go back if he wanted. More breakups.... more reconciliation.... more revelations from him that he KNEW where he wanted to be.... and that was over six months ago. The affair is still going on, but the texts FROM HER TO HIM are down from HUNDREDS over the weekends that he is home, to 3 or 4. IT is essentially over, but OW will not give him up, and he has been steadily testing the waters to see if there is HOPE for us....

Reconnection takes PRACTICE. Neither the LBS or the MLCer are ready after only one try. There is no LIGHTBULB moment and dramatic "honey I'm home!!". The final breakup is slow, messy and painful for all. It can overlap the end of the affair.... the LBS must be ready to go for what she wants, when the time is right... and that means attracting the MLCer back to a "safe" place once she sees the fog lifting. The scale TIPS towards the influence of the LBS as opposed to the OW...

[subooru]

Interesting discussion.  My two cents.....married for 23 years (next month), together for 30 years.  BD was August 2009.  H moved out June 2011.  Back and forth about divorce, but nothing has been started (other than one visit to attorney to discuss mediation process,  Has a "workbook" that he wants me to complete, but has never actually left it with me).  Finds innumerable ways to delay (always due to trying to be "supportive" to me due to issues in my life, e.g., father's illness, work issues).  As of now, wants to wait till end of 2012 for divorce (for my benefit, he says).

No OW (as far as I know).  That appeared to end in  2009.  Seems to be calming down, but then erupts and then calms down again.  Appears to still be in replay.  It's been 30 months (since BD). Very little contact with our daughter (who is 19 and lives in her own apartment and attends college locally). I see our daughter weekly. My relatiopnship with her is good. 

It is what it is, and as far as time goes, I have no idea if length of marriage/relationship correlates to length of MLC.  My best guess is that H started to distance himself from me about 6 months prior to bomb drop, but was experiencing some issues in the fall of 2008.  Using that as a reference point it would be going into year 4 of MLC. Using BD as the reference point, we are at 2.5 years.