[Thundarr]

Ready, I'm unclear what you mean by "return."

[Trustandlove]

This discussion on "phases" of replay is interesting; I definitely saw that first burst of extremely high-energy replay.  It lasted  2 1/2 years.  It then continued, though....  not quite as maniacly (sp?), but with him insisting on pressing on in order to stay with his dogma of never going back. 

But we may be getting off the topic of this thread....

[keepsmiling]

I still need an answer to the question whether its too soon at 7 months post bd to go dark with h.  He lives at home, kids don't know,  still in our bed,  and always clings when I become distant but says he can't give up the ow because it hurts.  Lies constantly.  I know I can't allow him to cake eat but is it too soon to go dark?  Thanks

[BonBon]

Hi KS,
Not sure if someone gave you a reason for your own "time" concerns.  I think as an LBS, you can do anything you want...when you want.  Or anything you need...when you feel you have to.   The one thing everyone will caution you against though, is having expectations at any stage or within any time frame. 

Do you want to go dark?  Would that be more comfortable to you? 

Maybe someone else will have a suggestion on this but I don't see why you should have to hold back if that's what you want to do.

Best,
Bon

EDIT - Agreed. Why would you not go dark? - It is for YOU, to protect YOU - OldPilot

[stayed]

Keepsmiling, sorry I usually do not like to respond to these type of questions, as generally I tend to be a bit more "tough love ish".  I believe in STANDING, but I do not believe in letting ANYBODY cake eat.  We have to protect ourselves and prevent our spouses from exposing us to dangers such as STD's, and emotional pain.  WE have to remove ourselves from their drama as soon as we are able.  That means, if it HURTS him too much to stop seeing other woman, then it is time to see how much he will HURT if he does not have YOU.   

I would never suggest asking him to leave or anything drastic.  You must ONLY ever do what you know you can LIVE WITH.  Always be aware that for every action there is a reaction, which means unless you are prepared to live with the consequences do not do it.  If you are, then proceed.

Most of us in the early days, (3-6 mos.) are incapable of doing much besides cry.  Once we get past that stage, we learn fairly quickly what we can and cannot tolerate or condone.  For me, I was not going to share my h with ANOTHER Woman. 

The rule of thumb (this is not cast in cement, nothing is honey), do not make ULTIMATUMS you can not or will not go through with.  The belief that there is ONLY one chance at a first impression, or impressing on your spouse that you mean, is a myth.  That being said, the more times you back down from a threat or a promise for that matter, the less RELIABLE/ believable you are. 

Do what you THINK is best for you!  Like dealing with a child, mean what you say and don't say it, if you don't mean it.

Hugs Stayed...

[keepsmiling]

Thank you Bon Bon, Old Pilot and Stayed I really appreciate your advice.    I am struggling so much.  I was doing well for awhile and now I am falling apart.   H clings to me so much.  I have been detaching a lot lately but then he asks me whats wrong(seriously) and if Im mad.  He hugs me and talks one day about our future then after he sees her hes totally different.  I have seen anger lately which hasnt been there for awhile especially if I disagree with him.  I know cake eating is wrong its actually pretty humiliating but I fear that if I go dark he will run away and I am not the best at sticking to my guns so I know he might not take me seriously.   Also my kids don't know whats going on with us so I try to keep things as normal as possible at least until there school year is over.

It does help so much to have a place to go to for help so you don't feel so alone.  Thanks again.

[stayed]

Keepsmiling, your h is involved with another woman.  You are afraid of going dark, because he might run away... SWEETIE... what do you think he is doing now?  Do you think he is WITH YOU?  He is cake eating and trying to enjoy the best of both worlds.  Of course you are angry.  How could you not be?  Why would you feel you had to hide such a thing?

As for your children not knowing... hello... do you REALLY think they are so blind, they don't realize something is wrong? 

hugs Stayed

[keepsmiling]

Thanks Stayed you are right it helps to get a reality check.  I have always taken care of him and its so hard to let go but I will.  I know you are right and I have to have more respect myself.  Right now he's just doing what I am allowing and that has to stop. 

[nesquick2]

what a great idea to set this thread up. especially for newbies. you moderators are the best 

[stayed]

You are doing great keepsmiling, the first 6 months you are doing well if you can walk and chew bubble gum.  You are only what, 7 months out, goodness, I am impressed you were able to ask the question you did, so succinctly.   

Well done girl, steadily up hill from here, as you take back control over WHAT YOU CAN!  Which is ONLY yourself!

hugs Stayed