[stayed]

Is there a chance that he will completely bypass all the issues due to the fact that he is so focused on depression being the root cause of his "illness"? 

Lovemyman, like any type of mental illness/depression/whatever, there is ALWAYS a chance they will refuse to look within.  They have FREE WILL, like us, they get to choose what they want to do.  Nobody or anything can force anybody to do anything, they do not wish to do.

That is why we continually reiterate... FOCUS ON YOURSELF!  FIX YOURSELF... and then see where the situation is at, once you are healing/hopefully healed.  WE always have to be prepared for the worst possible scenario.  It is sad, but that is LIFE honey, not just MLC, but LIFE.  Nobody knows what will happen tomorrow, all we can do is hope that we are healthy, happy and confident enough to make wise choices and decisions, for ourselves and our children. 

hugs Stayed

[FixingMyself]

Do the mentors or anyone know of any ex OW/OM of MLCers who have blogged/ posted and accept that they were involved in and a symptom of their affair partners MLC.

A friend of mine said she had a relationship with an older man he had left his wife and kids for someone, else but she was OW2
and in her 20's at the time, now she can look back and see that is probably what it was.

Who knows perhaps one of our LBS was OW in past!

I just think it would be interesting to get their perspective.

[Trustandlove]

I'm not a mentor, but I thought I'd post this here -- moderators, I won't be offended if you say it's not appropriate.

There is actually a forum for OWs -- www.gloryb.com -- called TOW - The Other Woman. 

If you can stomach it, it makes for interesting reading.  A lot of them are really messed up. 

There is also "the-other-woman.com"; that one you have to register on to post, so I can't read there.  I do know someone who did read on there for ages, though, and said as well that those OW were quite a case. 

T & L
Thanks for responding.  I remember reading that there were blogs and websites with this type of info...but didn't recall where.

L

T&L, I think it is totally appropriate to provide information like that.  I think all knowledge is good. 
hugs Stayed

[Moving Forward]

Hello there,
If you check out www.baggagereclaim.com it is a site about why OW become OW - the focus on the site is actually all about promoting good self esteem and having emotionally healthy relationships.

I ahve found it very useful as I have navigated my life post BD - for all sorts of reasons.

Reading baggagereclaim shows there are lots of messed up women out there and men of equally messed up proprtions.

P
x

[BonBon]

I had a friend who was a perpetual other woman.  In fact, she was the straw that broke the camel's back in another friend's marriage that resulted in divorce.

She's 50 years old and has never been married.  She's had her share of men that were interested in her that were not married...but she seemed to take a particular joy in the men that were.  I always believed this stemmed from childhood anger over not being considered attractive, over being inordinately tall for a woman and rather than embracing it, feeling freakish...and so forth.

I have never heard an ounce of remorse or regret from her but instead, venomous spew on whichever wife whose husband she was sleeping with.

Interestingly though, I just received an email about a month ago and she said she had just begun therapy to try and figure out why she has taken the paths she's taken and has wound up single and never married at 50.  Maybe this is her midlife transition and she's taking stock in a positive way.
Let's hope.

Bon

[readytofixmyselffirst]

One thing that I have noticed about the board and the many that post (myself included) is that we get very hooked on two issues:
                                   1) Is it MLC?
                                   2) What makes the alienator tick?
I am not the expert that RCR or DGU are concerning MLC and the alienator as I read but rarely quote the articles.

In most of the threads, the female (ow) has issues. They claim abuse, they claim neglect- they need help. (om) is the rescuer. They are made to feel strong again and save the day. Both parties feel that the love is special and like a Romeo and Juliet, they are two star crossed lovers.

No one understands them- they only understand each other. It makes the excitement only more powerful. Like shoplifting.

The alienator and the MLCer never see their relationship from a reality based reference. It is all about emotion and when the emotional spell ends, the reality sinks in and the relationship falls apart. I am not saying that the MLC ends. The alienator often moves on to their next target and the MLCer either returns or seeks another alienator.

I think the first thing we all have to do is to try and compare or compete with the alienator. It serves no purpose except to fuel the narcissim of our MLCer.

The other thing is that it only adds to the excitement that the both the alienator and the MLCer feel that it is them against the world and that noone understand the "special" feelings they have for each other. The more you ingnore the alienator and treat the alienator as nothing special, the more the MLCer realizes that they have nothing special.

As I have stated before, doubt of MLC is what kills the LBSer off slowly but surely. Something to ponder as you continue your stand.

(((((hugs))))

[LoveMeMyself]

Thanks, Stayed for providing me with some good input/advice.  I only asked the question since it seems to be a common excuse (depression) to the MLC'er as to why their behavior is so whack.  My exH seems to be so focused on the fact that he suffers from depression that I'm not sure he's capable of looking on the inside to face the true issues.  He has mentioned a few other things that makes me think maybe he is looking but then again who knows.  I'm so much stronger now than I was a year ago.....even 6 months ago.  I'm really good.  I find myself questioning my stand even though I know nothing will change for me even if I decided to stop.  I'm not any where near ready to throw in the towel and start searching for another.  I see things as "if it's meant to be...........it will be".

Thanks again!

(((HUGS)))

[Trustandlove]

Ready,

I think you are absolutely right.  In my case I don't worry so much about any particular OW (as there have been so many....) but yes, do find myself questioning if it is MLC, and if so, in which stage.  I can now remind myself that I did this _____ long ago and it didn't help, then I read an article, and feel stronger.

It's in moments of clarity that I see that yes, it IS mlc; our own fog then rolls in and we doubt again.

I think you are right that doubting the process is what kills off the LBS; we need to remember that, and live for ourselves. 

[BonBon]

Two GREAT points Ready...

Fueling the narcisist and doubting MLC....
Had I doubted MLC I would not have stood...period.

Bon

[kikki]

Ready
I agree - two great points.  I too wouldn't stand if not for MLC.

Fixing Myself - I was not another woman, but twenty years ago, when I was in my late twenties, I was actively pursued by my boss during the early stages of his MLC.
I can categorically confirm that this man was out of his mind, muddled, confused, anxious, ego-ccentric, obsessed with me, and wouldn't let up on his pursuit.

I had no idea about MLC apart from the bimbo and the sports car.  This man had the most beautiful wife, and four gorgeous kids.  From all reports, they had always been very close. 
I found the whole thing very confusing.  He was a very tall man, and his obsession with me frightened me a little.  (I don't frighten easily!).  It was very public, and obvious to the rest of the people in the building. 
I had ZERO interest in a relationship with this out of control man.  I felt very sorry for him and his family though. 

I eventually left my job, and he almost immediately hooked up with someone else my age in another department.  She had a pretty hideous history.
The perfect alienator.

As much as I cringe at the thought -  I know that my H would have been as obsessed with the OW, as this man was with me. 
It is humiliating and embarrassing for them.  They are clearly out of their minds, and these OW are clearly extremely dysfunctional to take the bait, and believe any of it is real.