[Finding Hope]

On a serious note, I was wondering, when they leave replay and I know that the stages can overlap and that they are depressed thoughout, how can you tell the difference? Is it just that you dont see monster or at least not as much? 

Just wondering out loud but, an answer would be great.

FH

[Terry1957]

On a second note its almost like he is thinking.  Today he came home and appears to be ok.  just trying to not fall for the BS its his journey as they say, not mine

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Answers to both. Until the journey is complete, it is really hard to pinpoint the exact changes. Instead, you plow ahead and when the journey is over, you will know it.

From what I understand, they do overlap and it is more about the amount of energy they spend at each stage. They can be in replay, withdraw, go back to replay, enter withdrawal again- just to run back to replay.

It is not an easy journey.

((((hugs)))

[OldPilot]

Here is my .02 FWIW

When you have a low energy MLC'er take Conways stages and throw them out the window.
RCR has described Jung's/Stein's stages and they are more applicable to Low Energy.

They may be done with Replay but still in Escape and Avoid.
They will not reconnect until they break withdrawal(Conway).

There seems to be a separate script for Low Energy where Replay is very short but Escape and Avoid is very long.

Best to not focus on stages as this will lead to EXPECTATIONS and everyone knows how I feel about them......

[dbpb]

I am still reading all the articles , as I am new to this site.
Question about long term affairs and replay. As the affair continues  with same person, Does there come a time when it is no longer considered replay ?

Answered on your thread - OldPilot

[Mermaid]

Bit of an off topic question, but may be important.

I was looking back through past posts when my virus checker blocked a page (can't remember whose) saying the page had been compromised by a hacker through planet smilies....

Just thought I'd put a warning out there....

[toughtimes]

I am a newbie, here's my story
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=2731.0

[Finding Hope]

I have a question,,

At BD, my h said all kinds of horrible things to me. Some true, some not. The one thing that he said that still sticks with me is that I killed his soul.

So, the question.

When is it my turn to tell him what he did to me in this marriage. He never made me feel good enough. Was never supportive when it came to his family bashing me or our girls.

Never told me I was pretty (unless asked).
Wasn't affectionate.
Wanted to spend money on stupid things, and when I said it wasn't a good idea, would whine and complain until I gave in.

Was the master manipulator with words, used guilt to get what he wanted.

WHEN IS IT GOING TO BE MY TURN 

FH

[NoRegrets]

At BD, my h said all kinds of horrible things to me. Some true, some not.

I think it's good that you are able to recognize both of these, and hopefully you know the difference. I think we have to work on the things that were said that were true (if we agree that these are deficiencies) and recognize and reject what was false.

The one thing that he said that still sticks with me is that I killed his soul.

Hate to say it, but, you're not that powerful. Truth is, he really didn't know what was in his soul, and that's the problem. He's projecting onto you. Someone in the family you describe below--the family that felt it was ok to bash you and your children--probably has a lot to do with him feeling like his soul is dead. Do you agree? This is classic MLC script--they attribute someone's bad behavior, sometimes even their own, on to you. It's convenient--you're a repository for all that is bad in his life, and he will dump everything on you and then cut you loose. In time he will realize that demonizing you did him no good. Not addressing the truth, and making up untruths, is not conducive to a happy and productive or constructive life. It may take him a good deal of time to face reality. In the mean time, you must find YOUR truth.

When is it my turn to tell him what he did to me in this marriage. He never made me feel good enough. Was never supportive when it came to his family bashing me or our girls.

Never told me I was pretty (unless asked).
Wasn't affectionate.
Wanted to spend money on stupid things, and when I said it wasn't a good idea, would whine and complain until I gave in.

Was the master manipulator with words, used guilt to get what he wanted.

WHEN IS IT GOING TO BE MY TURN 

FH

Ha-ha, your truth is NOW. NOW is your time to work on becoming strong and SELF-assured. And when you have worked on becoming the person you are meant to be, and when you believe in your SELF, and you have grown, your SELF confidence will be so much more meaningful than empty words from a person who admits he has no soul! It won't matter that HE doesn't want to say you're good enough, because you'll be good enough (even better than that!) to your SELF. This will come from meaningful work, from making contributions to society--maybe getting an education or using the one you have, by helping other people, by raising your children well, by developing meaninful HEALTHY relationships. All those things will make you feel rightfully very good about your SELF.  YOU won't allow your SELF or your daughters to be bashed by unhealthy people. And their opinions won't matter, anyway. (I personally don't care what rude, insecure people think of me, frankly, and nor should you. And you should teach your daughters that their self worth comes from within--they'll never make everyone happy, but they should discard insults that are meant to hurt, not meant to help them grow or be better. They should surround themselves with HEALTHY people who will ENRICH their lives, not people who are a drag.) You will work on creating a look for your SELF that you like. Live a healthy life--eat well and get exercise. You will love your SELF for it! You won't CARE whether he tells you you're pretty enough, if you're happy with your SELF, and if you surround your SELF with people who give off good vibes and who are supportive and lovely. Be lovely. Don't be needy. Get to the point where you don't ALLOW yourself to be manipulated. Why did you ALLOW it? Now is your time to figure out why. Is it because you were afraid he'd get mad and leave or make you feel badly about yourself? Well? That's over with, isn't it. Spend some time alone, resetting your "BS meter" so that you will instantly recognize his BS and his attempts at manipulation. As spouses we spent SO LONG filtering everything they said to us, that we stopped hearing what they were actually saying. An outsider wouldn't stand for the way we were treated, so why should we?

NOW IS YOUR TIME!

[Finding Hope]

No Regrets,

I'm there. Believe me I am, finally and I do feel very powerful. It took me a long time to get there. My girls have been taught that and even more since this whole mess started. I have FINALLY become the person I wanted to be but due to issues that I never really dealt with kept me from becoming.

I LIKE ME. As for his family, the one person that gave me and my girls the most grief was his step mother and step sister. I would always wait for him to address issues and he never would, so when I did he would say "why do you say anything it only makes it worse". I was the one that constantly fought the battles. He was as he always has been the ostrich. If you don't address it maybe it will go away.

That has been the biggest problem in my marriage. That's why I want to tell him what he has done to me, and my girls. He once said when I asked him how do you think this is going to affect our girls and he said "I'm from divorced parents and I turned out OK"  I though even then, really does it look like your OK?

Another question:

They should surround themselves with HEALTHY people who will ENRICH their lives, not people who are a drag

That's exactly it, what am I teaching them by staying with someone who says that they don't want me or love me? Do I want my girls to think that its OK, to be treated like this, the answer is HELL NO.

They have pulled back from the grandparents because they say that we, dad and I are the white elephants in the room. They feel uncomfortable. Because of this the family is split. Even though their dad and I get along well enough, and we don't argue or fight, the fact remains that we are not together. We live in the same house but are roommates.

They seem to stay away from the house more and more. I know that they are at the age where they are finding themselves, and some of it is just that. But, both have said the same thing.

When they are home they stay in their rooms. At ask myself all the time if Ive done the best for my girls, or was I just thinking about me.

FH