[Wed2Him?Whatever.]

My H first left on a trip to his original hometown and told me he didn't know how long he would be gone or even if he would be coming back.  He spent ten days away.  That next month, he told me he was DONE (with me), that we were just roommates, that he didn't feel married to me anymore, and that as soon as he got a job in his hometown he would move out.  "It's not fair to you and it's not fair to me, staying together," he said.  If I had thought that wasn't bad enough, he immediately told everyone on Facebook how DONE he was and please everyone send me job leads because I CAN'T WAIT to be out of here.
It was as humiliating as it was hurtful.  He could not have made it more clear he was not staying.  Do you know where he is today?  Home with me.  Six months after insisting he was DONE.  He says it's because a hometown pal told him it's dead there, no jobs so he shouldn't move.  Uh huh.  I think he thought of me moving on and was like .

[starrett]

 Mine told me last Tuesday she was never coming back,  and not to be holding my breath, I said ok, I understand,, that seem to make her even madder, but  only God know the plan I have for you

EDIT - ALL I can say is my first post says to believe NOTHING of what they say.
So why are you guys believing this? = OldPilot

[Mitzpah]

HEy OP,

Love your comment!

[Sassyone]

The ILYBNILWY article is good.  I will tell you this hindsight is 20-20 for me for sure.

Funny thing is H and I did the Mort program (which is spectacular by the way for those not in MLC).  I know I read this at one point but clearly did not process this particular quote:

While someone who says, “I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you” seems to be making a distinction between “different loves;” in fact, they are expressing their confusion about what love really is. And that’s why they’re having marital problems and maybe even an affair (because who are they IN LOVE with?).   . . . “I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you” is a cop out. It basically means that I have no clue how to make a relationship last LONG-TERM so I’m exiting to get high from another short-term romance. But whoever they’re IN LOVE with now will also eventually hear, “I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you.”

Note this particular quote:

It basically means that I have no clue how to make a relationship last LONG-TERM so I’m exiting to get high from another short-term romance.

Again clearly indicating that our MLC'ers are looking to something or someone to make themselves feel better. 

Another valid reason to read and read again.  I so wanted to believe that H had ended his EA, but it really had turned into a PA.  Again, counseling was useless, just an excuse for him to validate himself. 

Moral of the story is . . . FOCUS ON YOURSELF.  I really wish I would have found this site earlier and really really wish I would have been able to focus on me and not H, not the marriage and not the sitch.  Would have saved me a lot of grief.  Oh well live and learn.

Mort's program in phenomenal but not until reconnection and until you are both read.  Think I might pull it out of the closet and revisit it again and see where we really are.

Although Mort has a Lone Ranger program for those of you that are interested and I think it is a great program for LBS'ers.

I agree a good article to be posted.

Sassy

EDIT - Bold bracket in wrong position, must be inside quote brackets

[With Hope]

I love reading Bob Steinkamp on this subject - he says that when your spouse tells you they are never coming back, they are attempting to convince themselves, trying to make it true...
I guess it is part of the script...

I love reading Bob's perspective on these things too. I don't know if Bob was quite the vanisher that I seem to have though.  But, it does continue to give me hope on the dark days...like now!  I heard the ILYBNILWY from H and the "we're over" and all too...so far, it appears to be true.  Although I'm not even sure how he could ever justify even saying the ILY part of it because he CERTAINLY isn't treating me with even slight regard at this point and honestly more like HATERED.  But, I digress...

...hoping to one day be able to say that "YES, my H returned (a better person) after making that statement"! 

[Mac49]

2 years since move out 1+ year divorced yet she continues to talk about reasons she left.

The knocking is getting louder dear.

Mac

[Sassyone]

I was reading further on the link that StillPraying posted.  I found these words from someone who is recovering form MLC very enlightening.

Although I NEVER said those words to my partner - I love you but I am not in love with you - I know what it feels like to WANT to say it and to FEEL that way; actually the correct description would be - to UNFEEL that way.  I lost - seems like overnight - the ability to recall the feeling of love - for my partner - for my children - for me.  I could not remember the joy  that I had previously felt in my life - I could not find joy in anything - therefore this was new found 'clarity' - I obviously had never felt those things - those feelings NEVER existed.  That is not reality - but that is what MLC FEELS like.

I chose to fight it and have discussed the tools I used, in previous posts.  Shepherdess has discussed tools that are good for this - affirmations list.  However the big kicker is - only if the person in MLC realizes that it is MLC happening to them, will they recognize that the joy, love and purpose in their lives still exists - but they have to FIGHT one heck of a battle to re-discover it.  MLC feels like a new 'clarity', like a veil of self-deception has been lifted - like - WOW - why didn't I realize all of this before!!!!  when in fact, it severely impairs our ability to have 'clarity' about what our lives have been and are.  It FEELS totally opposite to what it REALLY is, which makes it a very devious and insidious enemy.

Every person in MLC FEELS that they are awakening to a new understanding of their life - that the blinders have finally, miraculously been removed - and thank God its not too late!!!  When in fact, their emotional self, which supports the joy, love and purpose of their lives - has been sedated and is often times comatose, making them FEEL that those things never existed.

Just some thoughts on the emotional shutdown that creates so much damage.
PEACE

WOW is all I have to say.  I don't know about the rest of you, but I am better able to understand when I can understand what an MLC'er is going through.  Not fun and I wouldn't want to be in their shoes for sure.

Sassy


EDIT - Quote brackets in the wrong place - need to be on the outside. - OldPilot

[In this for ME]

I was the one to physically leave.
I heard for 9 months
We HAD our time!!
I'm done with you!!
And many more classics.
He legally divorced me ;now we're living together.
 

[nesquick2]

great thread to start up. i had all the usual ilybnilwy. but yesterday i read a thread sassy had posted on ow/om thread about the mlc depression. that helped me once again stand up and realise the mlcers depression. it came along at just the right time. thank you so much sassy. i do read articles on and off. that just hit home for me. i will always read that when im having a confused or cycling day 

[Trustandlove]

My H has repeatedly said that he isn't coming home, so I guess I can take heart from what Bob Steinkamp writes that it means he is trying to convince himself, but he hasn't come home, so that isn't what this is about.

I can't speak for myself, obviously, but I know my "friend of the 5 years" heard for all of those 5+ years that he wasn't coming home, and then he did.  She said she was surprised.  But come home he did; it wasn't easy; she said it took another 3 years to get to a good place, but he had been back for something like 3 years when my ordeal started, so she is luckily having trouble remembering it all, which is how it should be. 

So yes, it does happen.