Author Topic: MLC Monster Resources about MLC 2  (Read 13860 times)

Offline OldPilotTopic starter

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MLC Monster Resources about MLC 2
« on: March 15, 2012, 02:27:45 AM »
Post any resources or comments about this thread here

Link to original thread at top of the board.

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.0

Offline angelgirl

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Re: Resources about MLC 2
« Reply #1 on: March 16, 2012, 01:45:05 PM »
Kikki - in response to your question, honestly, I'm  not sure. I can report what he says. When he first came back, I was on a pedestal. I could tell by how he referred to me and how he would joke, "everyone's wondering how a great woman like you would stay with a guy like me...." More recently, he states, that he feels that I "continue" him, or that we are one...

What he says and what is true, may not be the same, but I can only go by my gut sometimes. Even then, I make a mental note and move one. He's got to navigate this on his own.

The further he gets away from the bad experience, the more distant and baffling it is to him.  He is better with me and kids than he's even been, and it seems to flow naturally now.  I will keep you posted if he makes more comments...

Angelgirl

Offline Shantilly Lace

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Re: Resources about MLC 2
« Reply #2 on: April 26, 2012, 06:12:30 PM »
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=2445.0


NOt really a resource but something to consider anyway. 
Thanks Tsunami
You must do the things you think you cannot do.

Offline kikki

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Re: Resources about MLC 2
« Reply #3 on: April 26, 2012, 09:19:54 PM »
Thanks for answering Angelgirl. Please do keep us posted if he has any further insights.
All the very best to you and your family

Offline Shantilly Lace

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Re: Resources about MLC 2
« Reply #4 on: May 14, 2012, 01:57:26 AM »
You must do the things you think you cannot do.

Offline StillStanding

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Re: Resources about MLC 2
« Reply #5 on: October 09, 2012, 08:48:03 AM »
Here is an excerpt of The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce by Dr. Judith Wallerstein and Dr. Julia Lewis. It was published as an article in Psychoanalytic Psychology in 2004, and it covers the results of a 25-year study of divorce and how it impacts families, including (and especially) children.

http://ebookbrowse.com/unexpected-legacy-of-divorce-pdf-d169942552

There is a book as well, published in 2001:

http://www.amazon.com/Unexpected-Legacy-Divorce-Landmark-Study/dp/0786886161
Me: 45, Her: 40. Married 16 1/2 years, together(-ish) 20.
Status: BD 8/25/09, she moved out 8/28/10. No talk of D.

Every day is another chance to get it right.
http://www.vachss.com/mission/behavior.html

"Counting days won't buy us years" —Wings by HAERTS
"Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past."  —Lily Tomlin
"When we commit to our lovers, we implicitly promise to forgive them. There is no other way we can live with someone for better or worse or until death do us part." —Dr. Frederic Luskin

Offline kikki

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Re: Resources about MLC 2
« Reply #6 on: October 09, 2012, 02:24:21 PM »
Thanks so much for posting that SS.  I remember listening to Judith Wallerstein being interviewed on the radio a few years ago.  It was sobering stuff.


Offline Lotus

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Re: Resources about MLC 2
« Reply #7 on: July 01, 2013, 03:20:05 PM »
I just included this link about depression on my thread but thought it might be helpful here.  Dr. Joe Carver, PhD includes this article on his web site which also has additional info on other brain chemistry issues.  He makes a reference to MLC in this article.  Since MLC is so often accompanied by severe depression (which came first? the depression or the MLC?), readers may recognize these symptoms they observed either pre BD or post BD or maybe both.

The article may help explain the crazy behavior and that there is something mentally "wrong" with the MLCer, though it doesn't ultimately justify the horrible way they treat the ones that love them the most.

http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/DEPRESSION%20-%20Causes,%20Symptoms,%20and%20Treatment.html



TAWANDA!!!

M: 54
H: 50
D:12
Married 13 yrs.  Together 18 yrs
BD : 8/12  "I just can't do this anymore".  Denies EA/PA with "JustAFriend" of 2 years.
H filed D 11/12  w/o warning
H moved out 1/13 after 4.5 months of "monster".
OW: age 30 (JustAFriend) confirmed 1/13 (younger version of me...go figure!)
OW gone 8/13
OW back 8/13
D in process
                                                                                                                                                                               
The man I married no longer exists. He is now an angry, depressed, Rx pill popping, MJ smoking, vindictive, immature, narcissist punishing the family he abandoned. He hated his life so blamed his wife. Yet, he still isn't happy in his new life.

Offline Ready2Transform

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Re: Resources about MLC 2
« Reply #8 on: July 12, 2013, 01:54:47 PM »
I highly recommend You're Not Going Crazy...You're Just Waking Up!  The Five Stages of the Soul Transformation Process by Michael Mirdad.  It's a very succinct (90 pages) and accessible primer on both crisis (the hard way) and transition (the easy way).   He doesn't refer to just mid-life,  but does say we all have one major one in our lifetimes, which, if we don't complete, will show up at other times.  It confirms a lot of what we've read here about both the MLC experience and what we've lived within our own LBS crises.

It refers also to the tunnel, the light, the dark night of the soul, and many other metaphors we use daily.  It doesn't make light of infidelity, heartbreak, the hellish nature of the whole thing, and the abuse a person in crisis may inflict on others.  At the same time, the crisis is not painted as an evil trauma - it can be a very rewarding experience if we accept the change that comes and allow it to improve the rest of our lives. 

The five stages are:

1. Dismantling
2. Emptiness
3. Disorientation
4. Rebuilding
5. A New Life.

He says 1-3 can all be considered Dismantling and 4-5 Rebuilding, with a gap in between that we must take the leap of faith to reach if we don't want to stay stuck.  He emphasizes that our lives will never be the same after this, but even if we liked our prior life, that's ok - we can rebuild an even better one with what we learn.

It would no doubt appeal across a broad spectrum of spiritual belief - it does quote Jesus, as well as Mother Teresa, The Beatles, Jung, Buddhist writings, and Duran Duran - so there's as much a lighthearted take as there is scripture.  I would consider it about as New Age as this website is, for anyone sensitive to that.  It cites A Course in Miracles quite a bit, which I know very little about but will now be researching more (even if it's some sort of New Age-y cult or something, I don't feel that association has darkened the info in this book for me). 

So if you're seeking an afternoon read that would provide even more insight and confirmation into this process, as well as maybe provide a few exercises for achieving more from your LBS experience (there is a simple one for each stage), I would highly recommend this little book. 
"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

Offline Songanddance

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Re: Resources about MLC 2
« Reply #9 on: July 12, 2013, 02:25:55 PM »
Just kindled it from Amazon - bed time reading!!!! Thanks R2T

Offline BB64

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Re: Resources about MLC 2
« Reply #10 on: July 12, 2013, 04:49:28 PM »
Another post by Tsunami about Signs of depression through MLC:
It ticked a lot boxes for my situation, and has helped a lot! I'll sleep well after reading this tonight.
I have not gone gone mad or failed at my relationship. HE IS IN MLC!!!
I hope it will help many other LBS. So, so glad I found this tonight.
Thank you Tsunami!

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1646.0
'Nothing worth having comes easy'
BD oct 1st 2012. 2 teens- 2 Dogs. Together 16 years, not married. No OW in sight. Foo issues a go-go.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Resources about MLC 2
« Reply #11 on: July 12, 2013, 05:39:24 PM »
Searched a few things about it and it seems interesting. Wonder where to put is Disorientation... Separation? Liminality?... The first two could be Murray Stein Separation, the last two Reintegration. For us that would be Mirdad’s Dismantling and Emptiness are RCR Separation, Rebuilding and A New Life, Rebirth and Reintegration. 

If I'm getting Mirdad correctly, the soul, if crisis mode is reached, will go to places that will make it break in order to, afterwards, reach its new path. If you choose the easy way, you will get there faster and without such turmoil. If in crisis mode the soul hits all the “wrong” places to break, then, our MLCers crisis choices obviously are against their souls and their core and are only there to make them learn the hard way.

Not that some seem to learn…  ::) ::) ::)
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Ready2Transform

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Re: Resources about MLC 2
« Reply #12 on: July 12, 2013, 06:08:23 PM »
Searched a few things about it and it seems interesting. Wonder where to put is Disorientation... Separation? Liminality?... The first two could be Murray Stein Separation, the last two Reintegration. For us that would be Mirdad’s Dismantling and Emptiness are RCR Separation, Rebuilding and A New Life, Rebirth and Reintegration. 

I'm so glad you took an interest in it - I thought of your sister when I got to the part that explained it happened at many points through our lives.  I believe it would still fall into separation.  He describes Dismantling as being the physical purge, Emptiness as the emotional purge, and Disorientation as the mental purge - stripping away the processes we clung to and leaving us with self-doubt.  I thought it was interesting that he also said we would recognize this all in hindsight if we were going to - but that the first two stages were more likely to go unnoticed even in reflection or done on a subconscious level, while this one would seem more evident.

Quote
If I'm getting Mirdad correctly, the soul, if crisis mode is reached, will go to places that will make it break in order to, afterwards, reach its new path. If you choose the easy way, you will get there faster and without such turmoil. If in crisis mode the soul hits all the “wrong” places to break, then, our MLCers crisis choices obviously are against their souls and their core and are only there to make them learn the hard way.

Not that some seem to learn…  ::) ::) ::)

Hehehehe...indeed.  And that's my take on it, too.  He said there are two basic ways the breakthrough out of the tunnel (his words) and into the light happens - either hitting rock bottom (they are, in his words, "tired of darkness"), or simply because it comes to a point where it makes sense (they have learned to "love the light"). 

[/quote]
Just kindled it from Amazon - bed time reading!!!! Thanks R2T

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts on it, S&D!! :)
"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

Offline Anjae

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Re: Resources about MLC 2
« Reply #13 on: July 12, 2013, 06:57:07 PM »
I believe it would still fall into separation.  He describes Dismantling as being the physical purge, Emptiness as the emotional purge, and Disorientation as the mental purge - stripping away the processes we clung to and leaving us with self-doubt.  I thought it was interesting that he also said we would recognize this all in hindsight if we were going to - but that the first two stages were more likely to go unnoticed even in reflection or done on a subconscious level, while this one would seem more evident.

It makes sense. One may be more aware of the mental purge than of the previous two.

Hehehehe...indeed.  And that's my take on it, too.  He said there are two basic ways the breakthrough out of the tunnel (his words) and into the light happens - either hitting rock bottom (they are, in his words, "tired of darkness"), or simply because it comes to a point where it makes sense (they have learned to "love the light"). 

For some maybe both?... Tired of darkess because they have learned to love (or at least to like/desire) the light?... And, yet, some get to rock bottom and all they seem to still want in run back to the dark safety of the tunnel...

Think my sister in a delayed quarter-life crisis… Lets see how she manages and how/where she will be in 10 years time.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Ready2Transform

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Re: Resources about MLC 2
« Reply #14 on: July 13, 2013, 10:35:16 AM »
The film version of "The Shadow Effect" is on Youtube - a great watch, very enlightening (no pun intended!): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NSJ9tgh_BXs
"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

Offline calamity

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Re: Resources about MLC 2
« Reply #15 on: October 27, 2013, 05:30:05 PM »
I didn't know where to put this so that everyone could read so it's on this thread.  I won't be offended if someone moves it.

My niece is studying Psych 101 at university & last week the prof discussed midlife crisis!  My niece of course is familiar with the term [not just my h but the father of one friend & the mother of another]; but I'm sure my niece had no idea that academics took it seriously.  She [the prof] also made allusions to one of the other profs [male] who owned a new yellow sports car & recent, young wife.  Maybe the next generation will be more aware & self-aware.

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: Resources about MLC 2
« Reply #16 on: October 28, 2013, 06:27:57 AM »
We can only hope Calamity :)
  thanks for sharing!
31andcounting
Hurting people hurt people :(


 

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