I am going to present a different side of this issue, not to create controversy or upset or to judge anyone else, but because it is also a reality and another valid point in the discussion of last names. And, as a woman on a journey of healing to reclaim yourself, perhaps this perspective will also be of some interest.
As someone who teaches women's studies and has been passionate about it for a long time, I knew since Junior High School that the original reason that women and children's last names were that of the husband/father was to denote ownership. I understand that that is not the reason 99.9% of the people share a surname today, but it is the history and many cultures have done perfectly fine not having the same surname or even having children and parents share any last name. In addition, it has been much harder to track women through history and family trees (even for something as simple as a class reunion), because they do not keep the same surname through life. Cemeteries and church records are filled with Mrs. John Smiths or other similar names. No one even knows the original first or last name of the woman lying in that grave. She ceased to exist. And if John Smith had three wives in his life, each might be buried next to him with only his name on their grave--equally unknown. I have professional friends who have been impacted career-wise by changing their name when they married, because any prior research and professional successes, writings, etc. are under their birth name and usually no longer associated with them. Then there is the issue of changing driver's license, social security cards and every other record when a woman changes her name at marriage and if she changes it for a subsequent marriage or goes back to her original name.
I experienced a defining moment as a teenager. After years of humiliating affairs, my father left my mother and my sisters and me for his 20-year old secretary. Yes, very MLC cliche. A few years later, my mother remarried, but her second husband's last name sounded ridiculous with her first name. She did not want to change it and was very upset, but never even considered simply not changing it. So when her second husband misappropriated an inheritance to send my sisters and me to college, among other things, my mother filed for divorce. She could not wait to change her name and I assumed she was changing it back to her "maiden" name (which is what I hoped for her own sense of self and for mine as a young woman, frankly). Instead, she changed it back to my father's last name. I was now about 16 or 17 and asked her why she did that. She looked at me with such pain and said, "No one has hurt or humiliated me more than he did, but I don't have an identity except for having been his wife. I am nobody if I have my maiden name." My heart broke for her and other women who feel the same or who have been made to feel the same. Do not assume your children will not understand this. I was much more upset that my mother felt
compelled to continue to be Mrs. XYZ, and still is today despite having a wonderful man in her life for 30 years. Because she chose not to marry again--they maintain separate residences as well--she carries the name of the man who divorced her long ago while loving someone else for 18 years longer than she and father were even married.
Certainly, I am assuming nothing about the members of this forum nor anyone's motivation and I understand the tradition and assumed simplicity of having the same surname, but as someone who did not even consider changing my name when I married, I can tell you it has not caused me a moment of regret or complication. Interestingly, I had assumed that D would have a hyphenated last name, but when she was born, H. said he was not attached to his name that way and felt her first name sounded better with my last name and not hyphenated. Plus, he said, "Any man who sees a woman give birth, should know that a child should have their mother's name."
(
That was the man I married and miss).
So, while I understand the emotional connection and what it connotes to change one's name, perhaps there is also something in what I have shared that will be of help to those who really do need or want to return to the last name they had at birth. Something that some women with children do is to change back to their maiden name but continue to use both while transitioning slowly just to the maiden name (not hyphenated, but like: Jane Smith Jones--with Jones being their maiden name). Or list your name in school directories and the like as: Jane (Smith) Jones. It is very commen today for women to keep their own name, for children's names and parent's names not to be the same, blended families, etc. My H. has always had a different last name from our D since she has mine, and it was never a concern or a problem for her, him or me.
Whatever one chooses is a personal decision for one's own reasons, but I would caution any woman feeling forced into changing her name for marriage as a demonstration of love or commitment or feelings that you are abandoning standing or your commitment to your H. Or a man who believes a woman should change her name at marriage "if she really loved me." One has nothing to do with the others, in my opinion and that feels possessive to me. Most men would not opt to change their names to their wife's nor would women expect it. The same reasons apply to women who wish to keep the identity with which we were born.
Best to all,
Ms. Phoenix
Author
Topic: 
Changing your name back?