[BraveNewWorld]

BNW

When I read the part in your post about versions of your marriage being told to mutual friends, I got the image of a jury trial.  If the majority of your mutual friends thought your side was accurate, and they ruled in your favor, then your wife's MLC must come to an end.

Not intentional - though I do feel judged by some of them. I'm more frustrated about the casual acceptance of it all.

[LoveMeMyself]

BNW,

    I think I truly "get it" and understand how you feel regarding being "judged" by mutual friends and their casual acceptance (of her side).  My exH's family (brother/SIL) absolutely refuse any contact attempts I made in the beginning of this mess.  I felt so hurt and couldn't understand how quickly they turned their back on me.  I never got a chance to even try to get any support from them.  It was as if they blamed me just as well as my exH did.  It really hurt me to think how easily they turned away.  I'm alright with it now because I know deep down the truth.  I have no idea what my exH may have told them but he did tell me that they thought I didn't like them..........whatever.  He didn't/doesn't have any friends and the ones we were around on a few occasions were all mine friends before him.  I've accepted the fact that his family doesn't want to talk to me but one of these days things may be different. 

[initforever]

BNW...No I do not know her husband only what she has shared.  She is still blaming him for not changing to fit what she needed him to be, when she needed it.  I think she just wants her husband back! I don't think she realise she is  or have been in a fog.  Until she is able to accept what she has done to her marriage I would think she is still in the tunnel however, I think she is coming out, she does see some light because if she didn't she would not want her husband back!  As she comes out and talks more, I promise to share!

On another note, a friend told me about his friend's wife left him for his best friends nephew! He was a true stander and his wife came back this year after being gone for 8!!!

[good4me]

8 years ? That is absolutely crazy 

[xyzcf]

I had requested on tuesday when I went to mass before mediation for prayers to be said. There is a group of people who say the rosary after mass. Now I am at my retreat and I met one of the women who leads the rosary..she shared her story with me.

She has been married 43 years. When she was married 17 years, her husband told her he couldn't live with her anymore and he left for several months. When he came back, he converted and their marriage became much better. I don't know more details..but it gives me hope as we are always hearing these good news stories and after the week that  I have had, each story helps me great deal.

[StandandDeliver]

I have to admit that sometimes I hear these stories about MLCers wanting to return and I think that the only reason that they want to come back is for the safety and security of not being  -  do they "miss" their ex's or do they hate being lonely? OR often their ex's have moved on andI wonder if it is a case of wanting what they can no longer have.

That is the cynic in me though...(the little voice that thinks moving on to a new relationship sounds appealing as an LBS!)

[Buggy31]

I have to admit that sometimes I hear these stories about MLCers wanting to return and I think that the only reason that they want to come back is for the safety and security of not being  -  do they "miss" their ex's or do they hate being lonely? OR often their ex's have moved on andI wonder if it is a case of wanting what they can no longer have.

That is the cynic in me though...(the little voice that thinks moving on to a new relationship sounds appealing as an LBS!)

S& D
important question...in my book this is the LBS becoming the OW/OM to OW/OM...I think it's something to be VERY aware of in MLC and why many LBSers have to come down hard on the MLCer during the reconcilliation AT SOME POINT.  NOt sure what that's about because I'm not there but I've heard HB and stayed talk about this.  There is hard work to be done with the LBS and you don't want the LBSers thinking they can just walk in the door and say...."HI HONEY I"M HOME..

[Dontgiveup]

StandandDeliver

You are not necessarily being cynical......there is a possibility of truth in each of those questions.  The relationship does need to be rebuilt, but there is a difference.  The relationship with your MLCer does have roots to it.  There is a foundation.  A new relationship, while maybe having some intrique, does not have those roots......the statistics reflect that.

The article below has some insights on this.  When the MLCer returns, it still takes time.

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/standing-actions_coming-and-going_being-number-one.html

[LettingGo]

Acoording to MLCers who are able to remember and verbalize their feelings, they all say they missed their wives and families every single day. They all say they never stopped loving their spouse.... I suspect they forget the early times when their feelings were displaced and the drama of the affair made them feel "alive" again... that's how my husband describes it.

When they try and return, it is a deep desire to escape the affair R which is probably volatile on a good day.... it is exhausting and toxic and chokes the life out of them... the same way any addiction will. They "love" their spouse, but are pretty distracted.... it's not a romance novel where they suddenly say "OMG, I love you forever and will NEVER leave you...." they're still working the details out.

Of the stories I've heard, once they are over the alienator, it's as if they never existed... Stayed's husband felt guilty that he lived with his OW for a year, yet felt absolutely nothing for her once he was OVER it... it ran it's course and he gained strength to end it when he thought he was losing Stayed. I think they can feel they are in danger of losing you even if you live together.... true detachment can be felt.... it's that "take it or leave it" attitude and they know the door is open, not only to come in, but you'll let them go as well and be just fine either way.

For me, a benefit of my husband's repeated failures at returning have bought me some FREEDOM when the real relationship is built.... he might try to go back to his controlling ways, but deep down he knows he will have to take me or leave me as I am... no more controlling sh**. It's a good thing... a silver lining perhaps!

[unbroken]

I think if we make it through we're all going to be better for the experience.

Acoording to MLCers who are able to remember and verbalize their feelings, they all say they missed their wives and families every single day.

Who is "they all"?  How many?  What are there stories?