[hampc0cv]

Dont give up,

Do you know how long it had been since his wife left.  To me this helps to know how long someone has been gone and then returns.  It gives me hope.  I feel like I have been waiting forever and no signs of return yet.  I hope it will happen but then I get to thinking that he is thinking he has made the right decision.  I keep hoping he will say something to my daughters but they have not said anything.  He really doesn't see them much but he has out of the blue called them a few times. 

Just needing some hope right now.  Had a bad weekend.

[Dontgiveup]

Hamp

She left 3 years ago.  His ex-wife has not yet returned.  She has been in consistent contact with him now for about a year....but divorce to other man was just final about a month ago.  I do think the light at the end of the tunnel is visible, but as we know that shows the damage.  Even now, speed cannot be his goal.

[Standing in Patience]

Was visiting with gfriends recently and broached the subject of mlc as several women were in the range of 35-65. Several said, "oh I think my sister's h had had one" or like "my neighbor's w left her h for a younger man." Interestingly, the first one sounded like mlc. He had a torrid affair with a neighbor's w in a very small town. "Everyone" in town knew about it. Affair partner woman was flaunting herself all over town. H moved in with w and her children. It lasted over a year but less than 2 yrs and it was over after the affair partner ditched the h. H asked to come home over the phone.

[Trustandlove]

I've just heard about some stories from my parents' generation....  one of my uncles actually had what must have been an MLC affair; the woman in question divorced her H for him, but my uncle ended up not leaving his wife.  This must have been nearly 40 years ago now.  My uncle is still married to original wife; unfortunately the OW (whom I know) is still on her own.  She's made a life for herself, but that was a defining moment....  she's had to live with that all along.  She has no other close family, either. 

And someone told me without mentioning names about a set of couples in their social circle (they didn't mention names because I probably know them) where two tried to swap partners....  apparently it threw everyone around them for a massive loop, again something like 20 years ago.  I don't know how long it took, probably years, but everyone went back to original partners..... 

That was part of discussion on how the ripples from someone's MLC are huge.....   

[Trustandlove]

OK, I don't know if this belongs here; perhaps stories like this need their own thread.  Do the moderators have a view??

I just had lunch with an old friend; she was once married to someone I knew, we used to be close, I am godmother to one of her daughters....   but we don't keep in touch very well.   She left that H many years ago, but I never knew the circumstances. 

Anyway, she was passing through, and we met for lunch.  When all this happened to me she had written and said that she felt that she had had an "early" MLC, which she referred to as her "head up her a*** period".   She sent me details of the Laura Munson book at that time.  I asked her about it today.

What she described fitted the script perfectly.  She was in her early 30's, wanted "passion", like in the movies....  she thought it was her H's fault.  Turns out she was a clinging boomerang; she came and went many times; finally her H called an end to it.  She said that if he hadn't she would have done it many, many more times.    I don't think he waited very long, certainly not years. 

I remember that time, I remember just absolutely not understanding how a mother could leave her 2 young girls.....   it just seemed so bizarre.  And I didn't even particularly like her first H. 

Her H didn't stand, in the end.  But he got to decide.   She said that she hadn't wanted a divorce (again, script....); in the end he did divorce her. 

What was most interesting, however, was that she said that if she had known then what she knows now she would still be married to him, and what's more, her current H (who is a nice man) would still be with his first wife.    He wasn't her MLC affair, btw.  They met much later.  She didn't go into details about whether or not she had had an A, just said that she "had had a plan." 

I asked when she felt she woke up....  she said it was quite a long time later.  She said it was only more recently that she really started looking at herself, at being able to express her needs, and at being able to meet others' needs. 

She says that she often misses first H, that she lies in the bed she has made.  Now in her case it's a decent bed; she is happy in her new r, but has no contact with former H unless it's a milestone for one of their daughters.   And in the end she regrets it (even though she doesn't miss her former in-laws...)

She also told me that what we do as Standers is the right thing.  That she needed a firm had at that time, that appeasement doesn't work.  And she also said that this (my) story isn't over, not by a long shot. 

Just very interesting.  I found it positive, actually. 

[Butterfly]

Trust and love
Did she mention a time frame of the whole thing? What specifically about your situation did she say?
Any suggestions?

Butterfly

[Shantilly Lace]

Link to LuvYourself's story

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1258

[LettingGo]

finally her H called an end to it.  She said that if he hadn't she would have done it many, many more times.    I don't think he waited very long, certainly not years. 


HE called an end to it, so she didn't have an option to come home...He divorced her. SHE says she would have done it many more times.... that doesn't mean forever... but possibly it would have taken her several trial to come home completely... so "doing it many more times" is appropriate if it is what the MLCer needs to do  to GET HOME>

I'm sorry, but I feel this is a story of what happens when the LBS does NOT stand, and when the MLCer is interrupted in their process with a divorce, etc. She has admitted that both she AND her new husband would rather be with their old spouses....

I don't know about you, but that feeling would ONLY be acceptable if my or my OP's spouse died.... I don't want to be married to a man who says "I love you and want to marry you... because my first wife is not available..." but that's just me.

I appreciate the post... but the sentiment of your friend is not so valid.. in my opinion.

[Trustandlove]

LG,

Yes, it IS a story of what happens when the LBS does not stand.  That is why I wondered in the first place if it belonged here; perhaps it really should be moved to it's own or a more appropriate thread.

You are she didn't have the option to come home, as her H didn't stand.  I don't think much time passed before he ended it, actually.  And he remarried very quickly. 

She married her current husband before she came to all these conclusions.  It's an odd situation in that regard;  She didn't exactly say she would RATHER be with her old spouse, she was saying that if they had both known then what they knew now they would still be married to their former spouses.   

She didn't go into detail about her current H's situation, I get the impression that he never had the option to come home, either. 

That said, they have made a good life for themselves together, and are happy.  She does say that she teaches her own girls constantly that you can't expect someone else to make you happy, and everything else along those lines.  She also says that despite a successful second marriage, she does think that she did wrong, that it was selfish, too hard on the kids, all that. 

What she was telling me was that standing was the right thing to do; what it was also telling me was that this IS a process, and that it takes a lot of time.  She was also saying that the MLCer shouldn't be coddled too much.  Pretty much everything we are taught here.   

THAT is what I took heart from. 

LG and anyone else, this really may be more appropriate on a different thread -- I won't be at all offended if it is moved, as it isn't a return story.  It's just another one to show that the MLCer does have regrets in the end, and is intended as a support to standers. 

[Shantilly Lace]

You're wrong it is a return story. She would have if she could have. This isn't a reconciliation thread but where the MLCer wakes up and wants to return. Which she admits. If they knew now they would be...
It belongs