[Dontgiveup]

Exactly right, loveisntweakness.

......quick update on my friend (with the ex-wife in MLC).  Not necessarily a big deal.....but not insignificant either.  She signed an e-mail to my friend "love", then her name.  My friend said it's been about 2 1/2 years since the last one he can remember that she signed using the word love.  It was before she married the other man (who of course she is now divorced from).

[Buggy31]

ooooooh I really really hope I get to have a say...really

whatever that may be 

No expectations

Just sayin 

[Patience]

I have some alone time today so I am happy to post two stories I know about.

The first was told to me directly.  I work with a woman in her 70's.  I don't see her often due to the nature of our schedules.  A few days before my H's return, I ran into her.  She complimented me on my weight loss.  For some reason I was compelled to tell her the reason for it.  I opened up and told her H had left, was having an affair, and was in a MLC.  She hugged me and said she understood it all.  Her first husband (now dead) had a MLC, an affair with a nasty, cruel woman (she would call my co-worker and taunt her), and left her with three small children when he moved into OW house.  After a few months or so (I don't know the exact time frames as we were both leaving for the day) he returned.  They remained together until he died.  She took care of him in his last months.  She gave me hope when I needed it.  A few months ago when I told her my H was back, she cried for me.  Her S's wife is also in the midst of a MLC and divorcing. 

The second story was told to me by the one friend I had that truly understood MLC.  She's a bit older and has seen it before.  Two couples she knows went through the same thing.  MLC, affair, move out, and one even divorced.  A couple of years past with each.  Both ended up back together.

[Patience]

I also forgot the story I know best.  My own father had a MLC of sorts when I was a teen.  He offered to talk to my H when I told my parents what was happening.  He seemed to understand it and empathize with husband.

I've blocked out a lot of that time period so don't remember lots of details to be honest.  I remember he left for several weeks. (there were 5 kids at home and money was TIGHT! I was not home often.) He refused to tell his parents as his mother would have killed him about it.  He moved in with his sister for a time.  He was drinking a lot.  He may have had OW.  There were rumors and fights about a particular woman (also married).  I don't know what brought him home.  I do recall going out and looking for him one night with my mother.  (as I've said, I've blocked a lot of those memories out)  My parents recently celebrated 50 years of marriage.  They are role models of the marriage vows for all of us as they have been through many hardships and celebrations. 

[Mitzpah]

Patience,
Thanks for posting these stories. I am looking for hope and these stories definitely give me hope.
I believe God is really giving me a hope as my tag verse below says even though my present circumstances seem to go against it.

[Dontgiveup]

Ok, update on my friend.  Disclaimer....this post is pretty long.

Nutshell story....my friend's ex-wife had an affair with former high school boyfriend....divorced my friend....married former boyfriend.....divorced former boyfriend....it's been 3 years since bomb drop....all this has happened in 3 years.  She told him she regrets what she has done, but has not expressed a desire yet to return.

She communicates regularly with my friend by e-mail.  In a recent e-mail, she told my friend that she still has her wedding ring from their marriage and it is a very important possession to her.  My friend is tired, weary, and frustrated with the process, but continues to Stand.  He contacted her and asked her if she saw a possiblity of the two of them talking about a future together.  She said yes.  That changed the next day.....sort of.

She didn't say she changed her mind, but she said this was too fast and too sudden.  She said in another e-mail that her emotions are all over the place.  She did tell my friend she has thought many times what it would look like to return to him.  Two of the specific concerns she mentioned were his family's acceptance of what she's done, and her uncertainty about being able to recommit to a relatinship with my friend.

I told my friend that I think these are very normal concerns for where she is.  If I had to guess, she is either just coming out of Replay, or hasn't been out very long.  She is reconnecting with my friend, but shows a lot of uncertainty and indecision.  The indecision is frustrating for my friend, but I told him that I think what she is saying is normal.....and how he feels is normal.

The following is from the article: Progress: Back, Limbo, Forward, Repeat:
The Rollercoaster is wildest at the beginning and end when they are making decisions. When he sees the light at the end of the tunnel, the damage also becomes visible. It may be so great that he runs again. Or he sees the Love and Hope in his spouse and becomes afraid.
They see our hope and feel burdened and pressured and they are not yet ready and not certain that it will work. They feel it is better to not risk it; it is only much later that they either learn or admit their error and have the courage to rebuild.
MLC is about fear.

I told my friend that it seems clear she can see the light at the end of the tunnel.....she has talked about the damage caused.  The ride is getting wild again for him, because she seems to be at the end of the tunnel.....and her decision making is all over the board.  She has also mentioned she is overwhelmed and scared.  I think this is because she sees the Love and Hope in my friend.....and she is not sure.....which, again, I think is normal.

In the most recent communication, she told him she needs to slow things down.  Again, frustrating to my friend, but we discussed this from the article Wanting More:
If your MLCer seems to be taking the respectable route and taking it slowly, he is appreciating you as a Lady by understanding that a Queen doesn't want, need or respect a groveler, or she is respecting you as a man showing that she wants you and yet she is not your burden. You need to come to a place within yourself where you can offer your MLCer the same thing they are now giving themselves.
Asking for more is pressure. It will have the opposite intended result; your MLCer will pull away, complaining to you or to others that that every time he gives a little, all you want is more. He can only give in small quantities right now and your wanting more risks pressure and would constitute moving too fast. Ironically if he did more as you want, it may have less likelihood of working.

So that's where they are now.  She will pursue my friend, sometimes in subtle ways.  He has said a few things that would definitely be considered pursuing.  When he does, she pulls back.....says she needs time....isn't sure their relationship would work.....etc.

She first expressed regrets to my friend about 3 or 4 months ago.  She asks a lot about his family and "tests" for forgiveness and acceptance.  She has specifically mentioned fear and uncertainty very recently.

I told my friend that my opinion is that he will continue to need patience right now.  The rollercoaster ride does seem wildest at the beginning and the end.  For his ex-wife, she seems to be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.....uncertainty and indecision have returned.  She is moving through the MLC process.

[OldPilot]

Tell him to think of her as a squirrel !

You know that story right DGU.

[trusting]

DGU, it is interesting to watch the MLC process through your friend.  I understand his weariness and impatience.  From what we have heard from those who are on the other side of the MLC, the post-MLC marriage is worth the wait.   She clearly does seem to be all over the place right now, so him maintaining distance is probably a necessity to keep himself grounded.  It would be for me, anyway.

[truth_seeker]

DGU - it's interesting to watch your friends R play out.  Very frustrating TBH.  Patience is certainly an understatement when it comes to MLC.

I came across a book about Marriages which have been reconciled and thought it might be of interest here.  In reading some of the stories they are clearly not all MLC but some are.  I can also see some of the issues they have faced in their R are very much the same as I have come to realize within my own R with H. 

The book is called:  "Can my marriage be Saved?  True stories of saved marriages" by Mae & Erika Chambers

Good read and helps keep the hope alive as well as hold a mirror to our own R. 

TS

[Trustandlove]

DGU, it seems she is following the script.....  even the returning part.  It is heartening to hear; actually, 3 years isn't even that long (yes, I know, my perspective), so it really may be that she is only now coming out of replay. 

And no, your post wasn't long, at least not by my standards....

Thank you for posting that; it is interesting watching it "live", so to speak. 

I know you are giving your friend the best advice possible.  The squirrel bit that OP said is right!