[Mamma Bear]

  Oh a new one.   I was telling a nurse I know about my situation with H. (she's a psych nurse here)   After listening to me explain about depression and MLC and paving a safe way home she says "Oh my Mom did that a couple of years ago!"   She left her husband and kids for a year. She said they didn't know where she was or anything. After a year she came back all remorseful and apologetic. She'd had an affair.  After that all heck broke lose on the psych unti and she had to go. I will try and find out more info 

[Dontgiveup]

Trustandlove

You are correct.  I have reminded my friend that 3 years really is the short side.  Of course, they are not reconciled, so the time frame is still going.  And he says 3 years doesn't feel on the short side of anything.

I will definitely agree on the script part.  For the most part, you could insert my friend's ex-wife's name in many of the articles.....and it would tell her story.  She is one of the few that married the alienator, but that has not seemed to alter the script at all.  As my friend would say, this information about MLC is unbelievably accurate.

I think what suprised me in her correspondence was that she said her emotions were all over the place and that she felt scared.  I thought she would keep that to herself, but she did not.

[Gallagher]

Just got back from celebrating my in-laws 50th wedding anniversary!  Altohugh they have a great marriage now, that wasn't always the case.

25 years ago my father in-law left my mother-in-law.  They lived in a very small town.  He moved about a block and a half away.  Moved into a camper on his mothers property. 

He was gone for two years!  Told my mother in law that he just needed to move out.  Wasn't sure what he wanted.  When she would ask him questions he would answer with "I don't know".  She never confirmed an OW.   Eventually he just moved back home.

She believes now that it was an MLC.  He lost his father when he was 11 to an accidental death (he was a logger).  His mother did not talk a lot about the death of his father.  Also, when father-in-law moved out, three of their 4 children had moved out of the home (facing empty nest).

I have a new sense of appreciation for my mother-in-law.  Can you imagine going through this crisis without support like we have now?

Anyway, he did come home.  They are happy and have a nice life together.

[Moving Forward]

I thought I'd add another story to thi thread.

I know a lovely lady through one of my best friends. Her and her husband had been married for 28 years, he worked abroad for many years and they have one (now grown up) son.

The husband started an affair and they split up for around 5 years - he lived a 'rock and roll' life and whilst she hasn't told me the details she said he did 'some really sad, bad underhand things.' They reconciled 3 years ago - he just seemed to slip back into her life (it appeared), he would come along to family events (as he had done previously) and they are living their life to the full.

I spoke with this lady last September at my  friend's birthday party and she said to me that her husband had had a MLC and she knew she just had to love him from afar and trust that they would reconcile - eyes on but hands off type approach. She said for me to expect (then)H behaviour to deteriorate before it got better and to plan for the worst but hope for the best.

She's a really chirpy lady and and her husband had just bought her a brand new sports car....much to the shock of her friends....this lady just winked at me and said she can ask for whatever she wants and she gets it as her husband has a lot of making up to do!! 'You'll understand that P she said, you of everyone will understand that'

This lady kept her tears private and continued to go to various parties and things that I'd always seen her at- she had a companion that she stepped out with to black tie events but he wasn't a 'boyfriend' and whilst he wnated more she was always honest about where he stood - as her friend.

P
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[Millvina]

Heard this story from a friend yesterday. Her H's Uncle abandoned his wife and 2 children (he was 45 at the time) and went to live in London with an OW. His wife never had a relationship with anyone else and would not hear a word said against him. She always said he would be coming back. 4 years later he did come back and they went on to be married for over 40 years until she died.

He is now in his 70s and has recently married again. His new wife is much, much younger than him and they have a 2 year old child! Not sure where this last bit fits in!

[Ibelieve]

Love that return story...

Thanks everyone for posting these stories. I come here to reread them when I am feeling depressed and thinking my H will never come back.  It really works, I am back to my thinking "I believe"!!! 

Ibelieve

[Little Chief]

T - that last bit is text book late life transition that I think Jim Conway discussed.  The midlife one is bad, but then they do go through another one late in life often due to death of a spouse.  Even Conway remarried after his W passed from cancer.

[Millvina]

LC oh my goodness! hopefully if H has one of those I won't be around to see it!! :-))

[Little Chief]

As death of a spouse usually precedes it, my guess would be no. 

[Moving Forward]

Hello all,
I have a story which is very close to home in that it is the story of one of my best friends who I've known for 23 years.

We would meet up very regularly and back in late 2007 she joined the Combined Cadet Force (part time Nay for civilians!!) here in the UK - her children were growing and starting to need her less, she had given up work to be a SAHM and had recently returned to work part time at her chidlren's school. She wanted to do soeemthing 'for her' to 'make up for what she'd missed out on' to 'hav fun' as she was married to a guy who 'loved her but she didn't know what her feelings were towards him' and who 'took advantage of her' ......a million other things which were a complete about face from the happy, caring, content lady I'd known for 18 years.
 
she threw herself into her newlife in the CCF and started to use FB loads, lose weight, change her friends and her started to go away on weekends with thi new, younger crowd. her husband was supportive as he just wanted her to be happy and he thought cutting her some slack would do the trick.

She started an affair in late 2008 with a guy who was a player and married. I was one of the fw people she talked to during this time and I tried to make her see sense to understand the impact of exactly she was undertaking but it fell on deaf ears and she continued to slide into a fantasy land. She was very secretive and very hyper and was delieriously happy whenever she spoke of her new life ....like a teenager mooning over a poster of the latest hunk...it was childlike and quite scary.

her affair was uncovered when her car was strewen with acid - the whole lid blew off and a destructive emotional time followed which lasted weeks. Eventually she and her husband decided to give their marriage another go (after her H beat upthe lover ...not nice but to this day he doesn't regret it).

I have often spoken to my friend about this episode in her life and she concurs with me when I say she is going through a MLC- as my knowledge has expanded on the issue I have shared things with her - she is one of my best friends and I want her to reconcile her actions and learn to forgive herself and live a healthy life.

During the time of her slide into crazy behaviours (2007) she has huge blanks in her memory, she drank too much to medicate her pain that she was feeling (numb the guilt and shame she said), she ran from being around people who wouldn't agree with how she was living her life (she told me she wouldn't take my calls because she KNEW I would 'talk sense' and she didn't have an argument or answer for why she was living this way....just HUGE justification for not wanting to work on her marraige/family life). She said she just wanted to be free of all responsibilty but in her heart she knew she was just running away and would never be happy in this life (but at the time she did not care about her family or the pain she just wanted to gt away as quickly as possible because she couldn't bear to be in that life anymorw).

I have spent a long time talking through the stages of MLC and she can see these stages in her life during that time.

My friend and her husband work very hard at their marriage and he has shocked me at how forgiving and loving he has been to rebuild his marriage. She has told methat their marriage whilst still work in progress is much better than it was before.

I remember seeing her during this time and feeling unsettled when looking at her because my sparkly, kind, bubbly friend was away with the fairies and I didn't know how to connect with her anymore.

She tells me that it is really only in the last year she has felt the clouds start to lift around her - she lost her sister in dreadful circumstances in June 2010 (her sister was unmarried and analcoholic) and she took this all in her stride but I was very worried that it would tilt her off the edge again. But it hasn't and whilst she huge sadness about her sister passing she knows the time they spent together during her 'crazy times' she and her were incredibly close and she knew that her sister loved unconditionally. She said it was the kindness of people towards her she remembers through everything and it is in the love that she was shown (by her husband, me, her sister plus one other friend) that she realises that she is a good person and worthy of being loved.

I have spent this evenin with my friend and she always talks about my exH and his MLC and she said she wishes that more people knew about MLC as she feels more marriages could be spared hell and heartache - I told her she was pushing at an open door!!

So, I'm not sure why I posted this story - maybe as a little torch being shone into the mind of a female MLCer who returned to her marriage after time away and is working hard to restore the trust within it.

Peace

P
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