[xyzcf]

Thanks for sharing..we so need to here positive stories.

[Bewildered]

HI B,

I too can only echo a thank you so much for sharing your story ... it has many similarities to my own and others on this forum that as Limitless says - gives us all hope.

I wish you continued success with your life, marriage and horse riding (no more accidents I hope!!)

love B xx

[StandandDeliver]

Not a return story, but I have a friend who I am convinced is having a major MLC. SHe had a lot of tragedy in her life and is in her early 40s, she ups and leaves her H (with her children) and pursues the life her marriage was depriving her of. SHe talks about how big a drag her H was, how she had to look after him all the time and he offered her nothing and in the same breath talks about how awful it is in the big city alone with 2 small children and that it is so much harder than she expected (now that her husband's huge salary does not provide for her - a salary that he was earning for a very nice lifestyel while he was "doing nothing" and she was at home with the kids) She was unhappy, but I don't believe it was her husband that made her unhappy (you never know what goes on in a R, but he always struck me as a very kind gentle person) - I knew her for quite a long time before she left and she was never happy with her life and had suffered bereavement and a miscarriage within a year. The leaving was precipitated by a EA with a man she worked for. She says "nothing happened" (she means physically because emotionally she was in off the deep end), this boss was in a "very unhappy marriage" that she urged him to leave (he didn't - old money involved or something). She had "never experienced love like that before"  , "never really believed in love until she met him" and he was her (you guessed it) "soul mate". It didnt/hasnt come to anything and now she is living in a tiny apartment trying to make her single life work with 2 small children, no money and no stable job She goes back to visit her H (who has evidently been devastated by all of this) all the time. (boomerang). I went to stay with her at the start of the summer, not really knowing the details of their divorce, but it became clear to me very quickly (after knowing all the info on this site) that this is a MLC. I even believe she will return to her H (not 100% sure, of course, but that was my impression - she is lost and what she is going to find is that she had what she needed all along). Even if she doesn't go back, I believe she will have regrets. She seemed manic while I was there and not in a good way. It is so clear when you see it in someone else, and yet I still find it so hard to believe that it is the same sort of thing with my H.... So, not a return, but I actually think it may be. Also, just for newbies - when you meet someone you are NOT related to, or invested in, who is in MLC, it becomes SOOOO obvious that the person is not "balanced". THere will be other people who see it in your spouses. It may not be anyone you know, or who can tell you. (I would love to tell my friends H, but I just really don't know him that well at all and it would feel very out of place)

[StandandDeliver]

Btw, the friends H lost his job shortly after she left, but has tried to support her nonetheless - he didnt just stop paying for her (which suggests he is not the big waste of space she makes him out to be)

[Ibelieve]

Standanddeliver,

I was thinking about what you said about not telling your friend's H... If you were in his position (haha! you are) would you want someone to to tell you, if you didn't already know? You don't have to tell him you are LBS, unless you want to. You might just tell him that you have read allot about MLC and have seen this in his W. Then Suggest this site.  I know I would want someone to tell me. Because if I didn't find out on my own, I'm pretty sure I  would be divorced, heartbroken, and hating my H. And though I am heartbroken,  I am not divorced, and I do not hate my H because I believe he is in MLC.

What does everyone else think?

[Shantilly Lace]

I gently suggested to MF to look up MLC when he told me about what was happening with him and how he was becoming an om.
I didn't suggest this site though if he finds it... But I doubt it will happen.

So I would suggest it to him seeings as he is allowing her to come and go.

[StandandDeliver]

SL - I have thought about trying to contact him - the thing is he lives in another country, I don't have any contact info for him and I didn't really know him that well when I did live in the same city as him and my friend, so I would have to go to quite a lot of effort and it would not be a case of casually dropping it into conversation. If I could think of a reason to contact him (that she wouldn't know about) I would, but I just don't have anything! I agree that it might really help him. So, in theory I completely agree with you, I just don't know what to do without looking like I am making a huge effort to involve myself in his life...

[StandandDeliver]

sorry,  that was to I believe and SL

[Ibelieve]

Yeah, I have to agree with you on that. If you don't talk to him at all, and would not be running into him. It might be a little strange coming out of no where. Hmmm. Need to think about that one. 

[StillStanding]

What does everyone else think?

It's not a good idea to get involved with other peoples' relationships, especially when you have not been invited to do so.

Does this mean we can't help? Of course not! If you are asked your opinion or for your advice, there's obviously nothing wrong with sharing your thoughts, or pointing them to this site; this is how we all found ourselves here, after all.

Yes, it would be nice if someone had given me the information that I now possess, but I don't know that my having the information before now would have actually helped. How many books and TV shows and websites are devoted to strengthening or repairing marriages? And -- be honest now -- how many of them would you have seriously looked at before the bomb drop?

We're socialized to believe the "happily ever after" myth of relationships. If someone came up to me after my wife told me she was unhappy and wanted out and told me that she was basically crazy and having an EA with some guy she met on the internet? At best, I would have told them to mind their own business; at worst, I probably would have slugged them.

But when it comes down to it, the work that has to be done has to be done by us. And that can include the learning of ways.