I have found RCR's blog very helpful and I still read it although as you will see my H did come home. Apologies for the length of my story.
H& I had been married for 25 years and I had begun to notice that our M wasn't what it had been our physical relationship had disappeared and H was becoming more difficult to talk to and very critical of me. My friends had noticed the last. I was scared to confront him but things were getting bad and so when one day he said that he thought we were having difficulties I was initially pleased that he'd raised it and said yes I agreed and what should we do about it. We talked a bit about spending more time together and then I fell suddenly and unexpectedly ill and ended up in hospital. After I came out we went on holiday for me to recover and H repeated the message but saying that he thought that there was nothing to be done. I made all the usual suggestions about counselling I went, H came once but lied throughout (I discovered later). It was at this point that I discovered MLC boards, learnt more about the mlc & realised that there was probably an OW out there.
I did some snooping & discovered that the OW was someone who I'd thought of as a good friend and that she & H had been having PA for 12 months & an EA for sometime before that. I was devastated & confronted H who had already been talking about leaving. I asked him whether I was correct & he said that I was. I said that I still wanted to work on our m but he said it was too late and he left to a flat found by the OW about four weeks later. I was in pieces, fortunately I have a very understanding employer who was incredibly supportive even paying for some counselling and some wonderful friends who supported me.
H was never mean, in fact he cried a great deal and apologised for being the way he was, which was in it's way very annoying. I could see that he was unhappy, he cut himself off from most of our friends and only saw the OW. I got legal advice and found that my position was poor. I was the main breadwinner and we have no children, H was entitled to half of everything including my pension & savings. I had no wish to divorce and financially I would be the loser so I did nothing. In the first year H did ask for a D I said that I didn't want it but if he did I would get the paperwork. He had no grounds which I did and in a way that was the beginning of the return. He said it was a big step and again I said not one that I wanted but he could let me know when he did, which he never did.
I worked hard at GAL and took up riding which I love and which provided the impetus for his return. After we'd been apart for a year H started to email me & we began to meet up for meals, sometimes out and sometimes at home. I just accepted these for what they were, which wasn't easy. Then I had a serious fall from a horse was in hospital abroad for 10 days and off work when back home for 3 months. H was till my next of kin and he turned up trumps calling me twice a day in hospital and shopping for me when I got back. At first I was too ill to be other than grateful but eventually I asked why he was still coming round when I was better.
There was a long and slow split from the OW which took another 6 months and after that another 6 months before we both thought we could live together again. We've been back together now for 16 months and so far its working. I am much more conscious of our relationship now and raise any issue as it occurs and he is much more open about his feelings. He still doesn't talk about it much, he says he felt it was another person who did those things and that he is grateful that I waited.
I think I became a stander by accident and it was very hard at times and I am conscious that we can not know what the future will bring but for me it was the right choice.
B
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MLC return stories