[NoRegrets]

RCR, my guru...

If you could take the MLC'er back to his/her teenaged years, how would you counsel him/her?

What would you want the pre-MLC'er to have accomplished or to know about him/herself BEFORE they hit adulthood?

How could you pave the way to a MLC-free adulthood?

[NoRegrets]

I think if you asked my H this question he would say, "Don't marry a controlling b!tch who's never satisfied! Make sure you live for yourself and never let anyone change you--be who YOU are!"

Of course, H doesn't have a clue who he is.

But, RCR, you have a lot of insight into the MLC'ers brain. You might know more about them than they do, frankly.

I feel I have a pretty good idea of what happened to H--more than he does.

[In this for ME]

I think it's something they ALL go through and it depends on how trumatic thier childhood was as to how severe thier transition/crisis gets.

But I won't pin everything on the childhood- life conditons as an adult and how they deal with things ( or should I say DON'T deal with things)

Just my 2 cents.

[Dontgiveup]

I think it's something they ALL go through and it depends on how trumatic thier childhood was as to how severe thier transition/crisis gets.

From RCR's article on Liminality
The cycling gradually diminishes at a rate that is dependent upon the degree of wounding buried in his Shadow. Those with greater wounding have more to avoid

But I won't pin everything on the childhood- life conditons as an adult and how they deal with things ( or should I say DON'T deal with things)

I am not asking this question to answer.....but my question would be this.....are foundational coping skills part of development at an earlier age?  In other words, if we don't learn how to cope when we are young, does this carry over to adulthood and potentially lead to crisis?

[OldPilot]

I think that the childhood issues are just one of the ingredients.
Not the only one.

If you are asking how to keep your kids from having one?
Well I would say to LET GO and give them some freedom with some boundaries.

It is too late to do anything about your spouse.
He already had all the  mix of things that could go wrong.

Maybe about YOURSELF?
Take things head on, do not avoid.
Be gentle with yourself.
Know that their are no quick fixes.
The best things in life come for those that are patient.

OH and on another subject, my ideas here are  all FREE for the taking.
Use what you want and leave the rest.

[Little Chief]

I am not asking this question to answer.....but my question would be this.....are foundational coping skills part of development at an earlier age?  In other words, if we don't learn how to cope when we are young, does this carry over to adulthood and potentially lead to crisis?

DGU, I would bet these coping skills are learned at too early an age due to what ever childhood trauma they experienced.  The MLCer then continued to apply those same skills throughout their lives, never developing them for an age appropriate response.  Then they tried to apply those same coping skills in adult midlife situations, (death of a loved one, PTSD, loss of a job, etc)  No six (or 8 or 10) year old should have to try to reconcile what our MLC'rs do, and so like any child, they run, looking for any safe haven to protect them from the big bad wolf they never learned to fight in their adolescence.

[Dontgiveup]

Yes, my opinion would be that coping skills are learned and/or developed at an earlier age....childhood and/or adolescence.  I am one who believes MLC is rooted in childhood trauma and/or lack of emotional development.  I think that is why MLC is a regression.  It seems that one directly links to the other.

[Mamma Bear]

  That plus their lack of stick-to-it-ive-ness.  I remember in college going to school really early to get a parking space. I slept in my car.   I hear H tell of how he missed class bc he couldn't find a parking space.   A lifetime of underachieving and then blaming external things and people.

[In this for ME]

LC hits it right on the head. And yes mama I believe lack of "seeing things through" and wanting to blame everyone and everything else shows the adolesent behavior.

[Moving Forward]

Ah this is such a huge question for me...how to reduce the risks of MY children having an MLC in the future. Oooh this has kept me awake and fretting on more than one occasion.

I believe that my exH's MLC is about the ABANDONEMENT of him from when he 15. His beloved Mum died and within a year his Dad had remarried a woman from the Czech Republic (who didn't speak English) and within two years had two more children. The man who was supposed to be there for him walked away...his Dad was too consumed by his own grief etc that he only looked after himself. His Dad had always been a workaholic and emotional abandonment is apparent in how he lives his life even now. It is very clear in retrospect.

OP, your comment about giving children freedom with boundaries sums up very nicely how I believe our children will grow into emotionally healthy adults. I have a very good friend who works with families with difficulties and she counsels me constantly about giving my children 'resilience' - which means lots of love (in their love language helps me!!), firm boundaries, the forum to share how they feel without being judged or humiliated. I strove every day to do this.

My worry about my kids having an MLC in the future has a huge impact on how I move my personal life forward - I don't want to ....in the name of my 'moving on' ......emotionally abandoned my kids to be with a new man. Emotional abandonment has many guises, so focussing on me and my children is how I try and to get some good come out of my exH's MLC. I endeavour to be the 'lighthouse' for my children as they move into those turbulent teenage years.

Only time will tell whether my approach is the right one. The funny things is that my exH did a very good job for an awfully long time of demonstrating that he was 'together' and 'emotionally intelligent' and he was until he started to unravel and that is still one things which I struggle with....this facade that he used for so many years.

Very interesting topic Cali.

OP, my comments and advice are also free - if someone reads this forum and changes their approach to life to a positive as a result of something which has been written here then that's awesome in my view.