Phoenix, may I ask if those "friends" of yours were married?
Sadly, Anne, yes. Both women were married. Combined, both were the mothers of four of D's close friends for most of her life. And both women were married to men who were H's "good friends." All three families were also part of the same homeschool group (that I founded ten years ago) and the same social circle of more than 30 families who were a huge, wonderful extended family that celebrated births, birthdays, holidays, vacations, etc. together. The adults had sports teams together and book clubs along with a mother-daughter book club we had been a part of D an my life for more than 9 years. We were there for each other during illness, the deaths of loved ones, life changes, etc. And then, poof!, in an instant that life was gone for D and me. Shattered is not too strong a word, Anne. How any man could troll for adultery partners within his wife's social circle is beyond me, but to go within a group sacred to D and so critical to every aspect of her life. is unfathomable. These children were the siblings she never had. These mothers and fathers were the aunts and uncles she didn't have. This was her social and support system in every way and he destroyed it for her just as she was entering her teen years. What should have been the support system we had during his MLC was torn apart at the foundation--everyone confused, hurt, embarrassed, not sure what to tell their kids so there are all kinds of half-truths and nonsense out there, trying too hard to support all parties which is very hurtful to me and D, etc. In fairness, the group only knows about one woman. The current OW who left her family and, to my knowledge, is still with H. Her H divorced her and it was final in January. Her kids now live with her half-time and my H still lives with a male colleague.
The other OW has been able to keep her secret as I chose not to destroy her family. When I found the evidence of her adultery with my H, is was 19 months after the fact. It appeared to have been shortlived, though no less excusable. It was extremely traumatic for me as it was one-year post BD and she and her family had been D's and my greatest support system. I calmly spoke to her privately, told her what I knew, told her how I felt and told her that after much thought and prayer, I was leaving all the baggage of the lies and betrayal with her. She could deal with that deceit within her own heart and family as I couldn't see how it really benefitted her child or H to destroy their lives and family as mine had been. I told her I was giving her the grace, she and OW were incapable of giving me and I walked away for good. It has been very hard, because her H and I were very close friends. He has no idea what happened as he would not expect this of her in a million years. I'm sure she told him something untrue to cover her tracks. I know she has told mutual friends that I am "paranoid" and now think other women in my group cheated with my H (to give herself an "out" if I ever talk). But no matter. I have remained silent and am allowing the universe to do with her and the sitch what it will. I have very mixed feelings like I have been disloyal to her H in keeping this from him. But from conversations he and I had after my BD, I feel strongly that he would rather not know as long as it is over. These betrayals by spouses are killers, but the additional betrayal of ourselves and our children by men and women we thought of as sisters or brothers and our children trusted like second parents, is a devastation all its own that I wish on no one.
To give some insight about who OW are. In my case, they appeared to be bright, funny, upstanding soccer mom types who adored their families and cared deeply for their friends. One is also a successful academic. It has made it very difficult at times to see these as "affairs down." However, outward appearances are often deceiving. The latter went through terrible trauma as a child when she learned that her parents were both having an affair with her best friend's parents--the next door neighbors. Yep, for years, the parents swapped partners secretly. Eventually, her parents stayed together, but it really messed with her head. She went on to marry too young and almost killed herself when that relationship ended. This is now her second and longest marriage and the one that produced a child. The other and current OW came from an abusive household. Her mother fled in the night with her from a violent father who also became cocaine addicted (as part of a wealthy businessman partying crowd). He had woman after woman and abandoned his daughter. Her mother had a revolving door of men as well. So we see how the sins of the parents visit themselves upon the psyche and development of the child and leave them always searching for ways to fill the void even if it means doing to others what was so painful to them. How naive to think they would find happiness with my equally screwed up H who was undoubtedly vibrating at a very similar (LOW) level as they were.
Ironically, my father did this same MLC number on my mother, sisters and me when I was 11, and disappeared. Notice how I did not follow the path of these Other Women? The difference, I believe, is the stability I grew up with despite my father's absence, the unfailing faith and spiritual connection my mother has, her exemplary role modeling and integrity, and the other strong moral people I had around me. So we cannot lose faith that our children can come out of this more whole than these sad examples.
Sorry for such a long answer, Anne!
Phoenix
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