[Writingmom]

Many comments have been made about MLCers and their carelessness with money.  I have been blessed enough to not see or feel the effects until recently.  As the owner of the family company, H has been able to keep his paychecks coming to me while spending cash from the side on OW. 

However, our savings account has slowly been draining and I see no end in sight.  When it's gone, I don't know what will happen.   He didn't buy a convertible, he bought a big house that he's only in 2-4 days a week, if that.  He travels back and forth (4 hours away) to be with OW, takes her/kids out to eat at nice places, buys her jewelry...all of this VERY unlike him.  He's always been wise with money!  Now with two mortgage payments, his income is not covering our expenses.  The D settlement will not be pretty for him, either.

My question is: How does the realization that finances are dwindling/gone affect your MLCer's?  Is it more reason to run?  Are they already in debt and just make it worse?  Do they sneak? 

I have been a SAHM for the last 15 years.  Am looking for work but not many leads right now.  I am trying not to freak out, but want to be aware of what may be around the corner.  If he can't make sane decisions right now, how can I expect even what is owed in a settlement to come to me?  Especially when he still BLAMES.

[MarkedandHealed]

Check with a lawyer before getting a job. In my state, a woman who is a SAHM gets more money in a divorce settlement. You can always get a job after.

Just check with your lawyer to be sure.

And my H seems to just be so immature that he thinks any money left after paying for his "bills" is HIS money.

[LettingGo]

My husband is pretty careful with the money, but I did see that he blew about $1000 playing online poker. I had encouraged him in the past, but not to THAT extent. Our savings is dwindling. He has mentioned it. I'm a SAHM with a part-time job and he looks to me to blame for the difference, but I'm not going to do anything while OW might benefit. I think he uses his expense account as much as possible to take her out, the same as he used to do with me and the kids. It HAS to cost him SOMETHING, although he claims he doesn't spend anything on her. Still, if he is staying at a hotel in Connecticut all weekend with her, money is being spent on meals, etc. I think he thinks of that as living expenses as "you have to eat" so it's the same as groceries. I cannot see his credit card statements, so who knows what he's spent on her with those, if anything. He doesn't use the debit card for anything other than cash withdrawals in her town, so I can't track what he spends on. It's gross and we will suffer for it in the end. She will be the reason we can't buy a house. I hope he realizes it and hates her for it some day soon. Yeah, HATES HER for it, even though he is responsible, I still hope he HATES THAT HE SPENT IT trying to be with her. Just like if you spend too much money on a pair of shoes and then hate looking at them and never wear them because it was an indulgence that reminds you of your weakness. I hope he hates her. How can I get over that? It is a huge obstacle for me.... working on it.

[ForeverHopefulOne]

I immediately had my H taken off our joint accounts after I asked him to leave.  I used his guilt to get this done quickly - he had no problem taking his name off the accounts. 

My H also has credit cards, but in his name only.  He had horrible credit when we got married; mine was excellent.  I spent years building his credit up; now his is better than mine!  He did say to me a few weeks ago that he knows I worked hard to get his credit up and he wouldn't do anything to jeapordize that.  Cut to next scene, I get the mail the other day and there is a brand new credit card for him!  Ugh!

[Storm Rider]

When you think of her, visualise something else, very non threatening, and that makes you smile. Like a small plastic expressionless doll stuck in one position. Then think of another thought whenever your brain goes to the doll, such as spending lots of money on shoes or something that will lead your mind to a different place. That way, you will linger for as short of time as possible and end up in a good place for you.

[Storm Rider]

whoops - wrong thread sorry

[ForeverHopefulOne]

Hahaha - SR, I was wondering what you were talking about.

[watching and waiting]

Writingmom,
They will do anything, even the unthinkable, to get their hands on money.
My H options are running out and fast, as he has spent his way into a mess.
He can' t get any more credit, and can't pay for the credit he has already, but is still paying out for holidays abroad and weekends away etc.  At some point the mney runs out.
They can't run forever, it just takes some longer than others to work out the messed up.
Trouble is, could we ever trust them with money again.
My H is in that much debt now, I am not sure I could.

HUGS

[Writingmom]

Wow.  Interesting.  As if the affair isn't bad enough, they spend lavishly on this lifestyle trying to present an image that isn't even accurate!  I wonder for some if the financial bottoming out will be a wake up call as much as relational bottoming out with OW.  Probably not or it would have hit some of them by now!  Thanks for the feedback.

[Buggy31]

When you think of her, visualise something else, very non threatening, and that makes you smile. Like a small plastic expressionless doll stuck in one position. Then think of another thought whenever your brain goes to the doll, such as spending lots of money on shoes or something that will lead your mind to a different place. That way, you will linger for as short of time as possible and end up in a good place for you.

My very wise, wonderful, emotionally intelligent friend said to me right away when I told her everything that was going on last year...... "Buggy, She's his chocolate cake.  His credit card.  Think of her as chocolate cake."  Now that was something I could get and I like to visualize this every once in awhile for a laugh.  I mean if I was depressed, hated my job and had all the MLC head stuff going on and I was walking down the hall passing chocolate cake.  Well that would be hard to resist.  Not an excuse or a justification.  Just a better understanding of things on my level.  You also must understand that I've been a SAHM for the past 8 years  So now when my head gets wrapped in the OW drama I use this as a mantra "She's chocolate cake.  She's chocolate cake.  She's chocolate cake."