[Trustandlove]

I'm one of the longest ones here; my BD was in 2007.  I think he left very near the beginning of his crisis, it was only really confusing about 9 months before he left; others report years and years of difficult behaviour.  I do know that some triggers happened in the few years leading up to it all, but I think he only went into full crisis in the year before BD. 

I've seen much cycling; he's come to me between OWs (he's on no. 6); he only now divorced me, having started proceedings 4 years ago.  He has come to me when he has been in complete despair, only to go again.

Last year he really did seem to be turning back into himself, he was more open, more engaged with the children, all that, then latest OW turned up and off he went again, and I got monster again.

Initial manic replay lasted only about 3.5 years, but he appears to keep going back to the beginning, probably every time he becomes infatuated with a new OW.    And when things go bad elsewhere in his life is when I get the monster, I think. 

I never know what I am going to get if I do speak to him.  He does contact the (now grown) children, but isn't really involved in their lives. 

[Thirsty Duck]

My W began acting out of character in late 2008/ early 2009. I could sense her distancing herself. In July 2010, she admitted to a one night affair with someone she met in a hotel restaurant while travelling for business. She couldn't explain why she did it - said that she felt she was in a movie and watching herself as if from a third party. She was very remorseful and agreed to counselling (MC and IC). She has always been a conflict avoider and reluctant to express her feelings. During her time in counselling I discovered things from her childhood that I didn't know and which would explain why she ended up in a MLC.

BD was in November 2011. Another one night stand with another man she picked up at a conference. This time a new person emerged. Monster all over. No remorse. There was a selfish, narcissist in front of me. She just wanted out; tired of being a wife. She wanted "freedom without responsibility before she turned into an old lady."

She is still in reply - everything is still all about her. There have been several alienators. The current one has been with her for about 3.5 years although I don't think they have a monogamous relationship. No signs of any significant progress on the outside. She wears a mask although when things go wrong, she does reach out to me - like when she had a breast cancer scare, or when her mother was in the hospital. I limit my interactions with her as it still pangs me to interact with her. I do miss the person who was once there, but I want nothing to do with the person who is there now.   

I don't think her shinny, new life is everything she dreamed. Like the song says, "is this what you wanted?"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6sxDpnrWSUo

[LisaLives]

I'm six years out.  Ex hooked up with his now wife in summer of 2009, after our 9yo had a crazy cancer scare.  He said he deserved an easier life...  So he left to be with OW and her two ADHD/autistic boys.  At this very moment, they are all on vacay at the family summer home in Maine with all four of exH's kids, all four of his MLC brother's four kids, two old, two new--his new wife is the same age as exH's wife and their boys are also the same age.  Both brothers went into MLC at the very same age their father almost left to marry his secretary, but exMIL I think beat the $HIT out of him and he stayed... 

My ex is still in the tunnel.  He was never a high energy replay kind of guy, he just cut out me and inserted OW into my place.  He and his bro did exactly the same thing.  Act like everything is just the same with their upgraded wives, who are actually taller, thinner, younger, slightly better educated versions of their ex-wives--exactly what their mother wanted!  He is celebrating his five-year anniversary right now, and all seems well in his world, though no one who knows him says he is happy...  I am!  My kids are getting better....  Love and light, ll

[OldPilot]

7 years - Bomb drop May 2009,

All is good for me, her who knows?

[Thunder]

I'm 5 months shy of 6 years.  Hard to believe.

Still some depression, little selfishness but much better.
Actually after saying that, he has been more depressed this past week, but... still better.
No more replay activities.

We've been divorced about 3 years, live separately but get along good.

[Almost there]

My 6 year BD was this week actually. We divorced 5 years ago. I see him 3-4 times a week to custody swap our now 12 year old D. We have another older D and I have an older S from a previous marriage. I moved out of the marital home in October 2011, where he still lives with D22, and bought my own house (I did run off with most of the marital household goods . A couple of years ago he moved the OW into the rental apartment over the garage. I'm at that house 1-2 times a week to drop off/ pick up D12. I have in all this time seen OW 3 times. D22 has put her foot down and said she is not allowed in the main house. Too funny. As far as exH, I have no idea what is going on in his head, nor do I really care. As long as the support gets paid I'm all good. My kids seem fine and truthfully my lifestyle is completely different. I take better care of myself and kept off most of the weight I lost on the LBS diet. I don't date and I am not interested in pursuing it either. I do stay active in other ways. I have a job, a house to maintain and a child to take care of. I take advantage of fun stuff as it comes up and as I can afford it. Life is good.

[Doc Hudson]

I wonder how many were in MLC but we didn't know at first or understand. 

FindingJoJo, I think this is pretty common.  I know that I didn't see signs of it until hindsight after BD and after learning about MLC.  Looking back, I can see that something was different in him for probably at least a year pre-BD.  It was very subtle for months, something that I couldn't quite put my finger on.  My H started detaching from the family that whole time and I didn't see it until hindsight.  MLC festers under the surface, creeping in, and we don't see it until it explodes usually.

Exactly. 

BD was 7 years ago this August.  I couldn't tell you the type or what she's up to.  SO GLAD I MOVED ON.  Kids are doing well.  Business is good.  I really liked the last special lady friend but it didn't work out.  A+ girl all the way, but she just couldn't get over the previously married with kids thing.  Understandable.  Her loss, though.  Current special lady friend is great, but it's not quite right.  It's early, we will see. 

Life is short guys. Don't hang on too long.

Doc

[Doc Hudson]

My W began acting out of character in late 2008/ early 2009. I could sense her distancing herself. In July 2010, she admitted to a one night affair with someone she met in a hotel restaurant while travelling for business. She couldn't explain why she did it - said that she felt she was in a movie and watching herself as if from a third party. She was very remorseful and agreed to counselling (MC and IC). She has always been a conflict avoider and reluctant to express her feelings. During her time in counselling I discovered things from her childhood that I didn't know and which would explain why she ended up in a MLC.

BD was in November 2011. Another one night stand with another man she picked up at a conference. This time a new person emerged. Monster all over. No remorse. There was a selfish, narcissist in front of me. She just wanted out; tired of being a wife. She wanted "freedom without responsibility before she turned into an old lady."

She is still in reply - everything is still all about her. There have been several alienators. The current one has been with her for about 3.5 years although I don't think they have a monogamous relationship. No signs of any significant progress on the outside. She wears a mask although when things go wrong, she does reach out to me - like when she had a breast cancer scare, or when her mother was in the hospital. I limit my interactions with her as it still pangs me to interact with her. I do miss the person who was once there, but I want nothing to do with the person who is there now.   

I don't think her shinny, new life is everything she dreamed. Like the song says, "is this what you wanted?"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6sxDpnrWSUo

It's the complete lack of remorse that's truly breathtaking.  The consensus viewpoint notwithstanding, they don't CHANGE.  They were always that way underneath.  They just give up on trying to hide or bury it.  Asking them to come back is a joke to them.  They can't pretend for one day longer and the thought of trying is unbearable.  Some do come back and those that do are just wearing the mask again.  Does anyone really want that?

[RainbowGal]

 Class of 2011 checking in here.

The consensus viewpoint notwithstanding, they don't CHANGE.  They were always that way underneath.  They just give up on trying to hide or bury it.  Asking them to come back is a joke to them.  They can't pretend for one day longer and the thought of trying is unbearable.  Some do come back and those that do are just wearing the mask again.  Does anyone really want that?

 Sorry Doc but I completely disagree with your comments above.Maybe your statements are true for you and your situation but certainly not for all.I am one of those whose spouse came back and whose crisis is now a horrid memory.She is certainly not just "wearing the mask again" and she wasn't just pretending to be someone she wasn't for the 20+ years we shared together pre-BD.No way on Earth was she that good of an actress for decades.She was a wonderful,classy lady  pre-crisis and has found herself again post-crisis.Did she go off the rails?Hell yeah…and then some!!That's why its called MLC and not fake-personality-for-decades and it's why I went searching to find out what had happened that made her go crazy almost overnight.Thank goodness for Hero's Spouse!

 “The Chinese use two brush strokes to write the word 'crisis.' One brush stroke stands for danger; the other for opportunity. In a crisis, be aware of the danger--but recognize the opportunity.” -John F.Kennedy

[Mermaid]

BD Jan 2009, but strange behaviour at the appearance of OW on the scene a year earlier. Looking back, his angst at being stuck in a job, marriage and kids started long before. I believe now he always had issues unresolved from different points in his life, but a big trigger was when he had to pick up his father's body from where he had been assassinated and left in an unmarked grave overseas.

He is deeply a distancer, avoidant, hermit-like, with perfectionist and narcissistic tendencies. He can't handle intimacy, or being wrong, or saying sorry, or taking on someone else's point of view.

He's been home for 5 years? I've lost count. When I thought it was over, it wasn't.

I virtually BDd him yesterday. Told him he doesn't need a wife, he can't handle intimacy, so he should go. He swings between clinging and blaming, but can't handle the truth.

I thought (hoped) we were reconnecting, but we can't until he takes on someone else's point of view. So here I am, 7 years and counting.