[gimlan]

Hi there, I hardly ever come on here anymore. Not standing anymore (XH has a child with OW/new partner, and for me that is a dealbreaker for EVER reconciling, as I think it would simply do more damage to everyone involved, including S10). My BD was May 2013, D through last July, but there had been lots of repressed anger for a couple of years prior, up and down.

I have moved on, including seeing a new partner and have learnt the lesson of taking things slowly in a relationship and to not give up myself in a relationship.

In accordnance with the timeline, a lot of things could still happen with my XH - but to me, it doesn't really matter so much. I just want him to be a good father to both of his children, and find a way of living his life that does not hurt others (or himself, really).

Is he happy? I honestly don't know!! He's certainly not doing well financially (out of work but with some freelance work), and him and the new partner moved from one temporary flat to another, which I imagine being stressful, especially with the new baby. I have no idea whether this affects the relationship with the new partner (OW), but I know it is likely to, at least after a while. While I sometimes wish he will eventually 'see' and 'confess' it was a mistake to leave me in the first place, I care less and less - and really, it would be much better for both children if they managed to build a good relationship. The last thing S needs to live through is a second separation. He also likes his new stepmum (which she now has become, whether I like it or not), which also gives me no reason to want them to split up. I can't say I wish them to be happy for their sake - but for the children it would certainly be best. My life is actually better than it has ever been - no exaggeration. I have a good job, larger social network than pre-BD, closer relationship with S (yet more time to myself, as S is older and spends time with his dad), I have grown a lot in my new relationship and as a result of the mirror work I did while still standing and after and become more confident, grounded and started to like myself a lot more. Not that life is perfect - it has its ups and downs - but I have become more mature and well equipped to deal with it. I turned 40 a few months ago, and feel very hopeful about this new phase of my life.

Hugs & strength, Gimlan x     

[Doc Hudson]

I don't understand why you are apologizing for giving your opinion.  I understand that you need to believe what you do.  The alternative would mean that you are living a lie... Yet again. 

Doc

 Sorry Doc but I completely disagree with your comments above.Maybe your statements are true for you and your situation but certainly not for all.I am one of those whose spouse came back and whose crisis is now a horrid memory.She is certainly not just "wearing the mask again" and she wasn't just pretending to be someone she wasn't for the 20+ years we shared together pre-BD.No way on Earth was she that good of an actress for decades.She was a wonderful,classy lady  pre-crisis and has found herself again post-crisis.Did she go off the rails?Hell yeah…and then some!!That's why its called MLC and not fake-personality-for-decades and it's why I went searching to find out what had happened that made her go crazy almost overnight.Thank goodness for Hero's Spouse!

[trusting]

Doc, I also do not agree that they were always like this underneath. I knew my H for almost 20 years pre-MLC.  He was nothing like his MLC self. 

BD was spring of 2009 for me, though definite replay and MLC behavior since fall of 2008.  Still running. He was 36 at BD and 44 now.  FOO issues are evident.  What a shame - waste a very good man. 

[Doc Hudson]

Doc, I also do not agree that they were always like this underneath. I knew my H for almost 20 years pre-MLC.  He was nothing like his MLC self. 

BD was spring of 2009 for me, though definite replay and MLC behavior since fall of 2008.  Still running. He was 36 at BD and 44 now.  FOO issues are evident.  What a shame - waste a very good man.

20 years on one side of the scale - 8 years and counting on the other.  And you're convinced that you're right?  That's incredible to me.  By that logic, a Catholic priest who serves God for 20 years and then molests children for 8 years and counting is NOT a pederast.  Fascinating.  So, would you leave a small child alone with such a person because of the 20 years? Would you defend him like you just defended your XH?  I should hope not.

Doc

[trusting]

Doc, I also do not agree that they were always like this underneath. I knew my H for almost 20 years pre-MLC.  He was nothing like his MLC self. 

BD was spring of 2009 for me, though definite replay and MLC behavior since fall of 2008.  Still running. He was 36 at BD and 44 now.  FOO issues are evident.  What a shame - waste a very good man.

20 years on one side of the scale - 8 years and counting on the other.  And you're convinced that you're right?  That's incredible to me.  By that logic, a Catholic priest who serves God for 20 years and then molests children for 8 years and counting is NOT a pederast.  Fascinating.  So, would you leave a small child alone with such a person because of the 20 years? Would you defend him like you just defended your XH?  I should hope not.

Doc

Do you believe in MCL?

[Doc Hudson]

No, but I do believe that someone who is mentally ill can fake it for only so long.  And then they just throw in the towel and it's ALL over.  It's cRaZy time.  So much self denial that is FINALLY unleashed all at once.  They are finally free to be the unabated lunatic that they always were.  And ANYONE that tries to get them to stop and pretend again is the ENEMY. 

Just move on as soon as possible.   They never loved you.  They never will.  But someone else who can is out there waiting for you.  You WILL be a better person from this if you chose to be.

Doc

[Mermaid]

Hi Doc, I agree with you that there is no one thing called MLC.

On the other hand, there are many crises, with multiple causes. Yes, some can be PDs, which can be mild or severe, and which causes the mask to slip after a while.

But there are many types of crisis, many causes, many solutions. If our spouse has a severe PD, they're unlikely to change and we're certainly not going to be able to fix them and should move on.

But sometimes these crises are temporary, and not based on pathological conditions. We have to gain insight into what's happening while following the essential wisdom of this sight; detach, work on ourselves and get a life.

[limitless]

Just move on as soon as possible.   They never loved you.  They never will.  But someone else who can is out there waiting for you.  You WILL be a better person from this if you chose to be.

Doc

Hi Doc,

Didn't expect to see you posting on here again.  (I have to remind myself of what OP says about "expectations.")   

They never loved you....they never will.  Wow.  Pretty harsh.  I certainly wouldn't want to believe that I spent 30 years with someone who "never loved me" and "never will."   

In thinking about that....the last 6 years have shown me that "never will" is most likely accurate.  It doesn't appear that he has remorse or misses me in the least.  (It is honestly difficult to say, as I have no contact with him).  I believe this to be true, though.

As for "never loved me" - Wow....sure don't want to believe that.  But, I have to admit that my Ex always had some issue - alcoholism, drug addiction, spending issues, and lots of lies, lies, lies.  Looking back with the rose colored glasses off - all I can see is a messed up little boy who, most likely, had no capacity to love anyone.

As for "But someone else who can is out there waiting for you." - I sure hope so!

I am no longer Standing....not sure when I stopped...it just faded away.

Do I believe in MLC?  I do...yet, after all this time - it no longer seems to be a crisis to me....just the manner in which he chooses to live his life.

Nice seeing you post!

L

[OldPilot]

As for "never loved me" - Wow....sure don't want to believe that.

I challenge those who say this to post a wedding picture of their spouse showing them unhappy.

[trusting]

I challenge those who say this to post a wedding picture of their spouse showing them unhappy.

Thanks for this.  I just pictured my favorite wedding photo - never seen my H look as happy as he did in that picture.  Of course, now I'm in tears...