[Dr. NO]

As a LBS, I don't think that we re-write the past; rather, I think that we start to view the truth of the past in view of the truth at the present.  While this may affect our perspective of the past, it is not being re-written. 

At least this is my experience as LBS.  Prior to BD, I was happy with my married life (as is/as it was delivered to me, as I had got used to).  Immediately after BD, I was not sure what was happening.  Later on though I did begin analyzing our (my MLC W and myself) life since we got married and did analyze it in the context of current MLC crisis.  The change for me is while I was ok with (and content with) what I had pre-BD, I am NOT at all willling to go there NOW.  So yes, the perspective is different however it is not being re-written.

If better life is not going to come out of it, no point in wasting additional valuable time in R.  R is next to impossible, as knowing my W, even from pre-BD/MLC days, I don't think she is capable of overcoming the guilt and destruction that she has caused and much more destruction that she is trying to cause ...with all 6 cylinders fired up!.

Dr. NO

[since_youve_been_gone]

Feel ashamed of myself after reading this piece.

My pride does quite often have me feeling bitter and vengeful.

I can suddenly see a bit clearer after reading this.

They must be in such a messed up state.

I should know better than to take this attitude.

Thanks for posting this.

SYBG x

[Dontgiveup]

except that we start to rewrite history too.

I'm not so sure about this.  As a LBS, I don't think that we re-write the past; rather, I think that we start to view the truth of the past in view of the truth at the present.  While this may affect our perspective of the past, it is not being re-written.  That's entirely different than what the MLCr does which is to twist and distort the past to fit their current needs.  Much different.

I'm not sure what the truth of the past versus the truth of the present means.  You might be saying something similar to what RCR is saying below, I can't tell for certain.  But I think some LBS may do some history rewriting of their own.

From RCR's article Your Self and Your Spouse
Like your spouse, you may be rewriting history in light of your present circumstances, forgetting or dismissing their strengths and what it was that attracted you. You did not marry the MLC Monster; you would not have married the MLC Monster. So who did you marry?

[Dontgiveup]

To you I'll say this: If you don't humble yourself at this time, if you let pride make you bitter and vengeful, she will never feel able to ask your forgiveness. And THAT ALONE IS PARAMOUNT to her coming out of MLC a better and stronger person.
You see, the hardest thing for her will be forgiving herself and she can never do that unless she can come back and talk with you.
Love her or not, leave her or not, you've got to make yourself a person (because you are THE person) she can come to and apologize. This is when you're going to have your feet held to fire and you'll find out if your love is really unconditional.

The part of the quote above stood out to me a bit.  In the weeks after bomb drop, I was searching for answers.  I found other websites and other boards.  I understood the hurt, I was feeling it myself.  I struggled with some of the bitterness I read.

RCR has excellent articles on the Unconditionals.  RCR's blog "Bitter or Better" is linked below.

http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/?p=440

[Anjae]

except that we start to rewrite history too.

I'm not so sure about this.  As a LBS, I don't think that we re-write the past; rather, I think that we start to view the truth of the past in view of the truth at the present.  While this may affect our perspective of the past, it is not being re-written.  That's entirely different than what the MLCr does which is to twist and distort the past to fit their current needs.  Much different.

I agree with Doc. It is totally different. And, with time, I think we, LBS, will come to a much more similar view of the relationship/marriage as the one we've had before BD/MLC.

“To you I'll say this: If you don't humble yourself at this time, if you let pride make you bitter and vengeful, she will never feel able to ask your forgiveness. And THAT ALONE IS PARAMOUNT to her coming out of MLC a better and stronger person.
You see, the hardest thing for her will be forgiving herself and she can never do that unless she can come back and talk with you.
Love her or not, leave her or not, you've got to make yourself a person (because you are THE person) she can come to and apologize. This is when you're going to have your feet held to fire and you'll find out if your love is really unconditional.”

Also totally agree with this. Just not so sure if we all will be wanting for our MLCers in the end…

[hobo1]

Thanks OP for posting this.

I agree with AnneJ, I am not rewriting history.  I am seeing my past with my ex, and putting it in context.

I do have to release my anger though.  These past couple of weeks, I have been bitter and vengeful.  I didn't hold back with what I felt about the entire situation.  I felt self righteous and I certainly did not promote myself as someone she can come back and apologize to.

It's been 18 months, and absolutely no change in my MLCer, I don't see her moving along at all....

As in the post, it took her three years....  Half way through maybe?  No guarantees, I know.

As AnneJ wrote, do I want to R?  I really can't tell.  Either way, I do want her to come out of this though.  At least then she can remember some of the good times we had.  In the beginning, she seriously did not remember many things, even though she tried.

[trusting]

This far into MLC, I am having trouble not rewriting history.  I KNOW we had a very good marriage, not perfect but very good, we had a great relationship, he was a really good dad.  Yet this far in sometimes it feels like it was all bad, always bad, he was never anything except how he is now.  Sometimes I have to really try to remember the good years, which were many, before MLC and not let the MLC distort those.

[Dr. NO]

I did not marry MLC woman.  I would not have married MLC woman. So who did I marry?

 I married someone who was mild mannered (proxy for low -self esteem? this is the analysis/perpsective post BD), over caring (proxy for avoidant personality?  again analysis/analysis/paralysis post -BD), humorous (proxy for....).  My point being in psycholgocal jargon we can make believe anything we like (Adler was alway right and so was Freud.. after the fact, that is).

In layperson's language, I married a decent person, with some good qualities and some qualites that could be annoying (depending on person's viewpoint). Well, She married (myself) someone who had some good qualities and other annoying qualities.  It worked fine for 17 years and Boom!  One fine day in August 2011, she dropped bomb and began rewriting history.  That is all I know.

One day, I will pick up the pieces and then maybe, start writing history.  Will it be re-written history? Who knows?  Right now I am in LBS addiction and can't seem to come out of it. Someone pinch me... please.

Dr. NO

[arp1]

I'm also not sure about the literally re-writing history on either side

At first, I believed what my W was saying was re-writing our history, but with time I don't think it was that per se; like Dr No I've done a lot of analysing too! It seems to me that it was/is an inability to see or recognise her part in the life we'd built and the choices she'd and we'd made and that nobody forced things on us, nobody deliberately made people move away, nobody died to make us feel bad on purpose, it was all just, well, life. But she couldn't and wouldn't see that. She also couldn't or wouldn't see that I was the same person I always was and that if she thought I truly was 'The One' back in 1990, then she'd made a huge mistake, because suddenly I was of no use to her on any level; the OM was now "the answer". 

Like hobo1, I'm putting my life with W in context. I've been guilty at times of believing my own rhetoric when talking to others, and, yes, I've been bitter and vengeful too, but I rarely feel like that now. As for R, that is very, very unlikely to happen and to be honest, as of right now,  I don't want it.
 

[calamity]

Thanks OP for posting that.  In all the confusion of the situation, the one abiding thing is a belief that my h is worth all this trouble.