[honour]

But you get the gist, detach and they will begin to notice, continue to be detached and they will start to follow. Like a moth to a flame.

I am detached. I have had zero contact with my W since 4th Dec 2010. We are separated by six hundred miles and a lot of salt water. She is not following like a moth to a flame. For my own happiness I do not need her to; I just hope she is not being manipulated, exploited and suffering.

The "detach and they will follow" advise is not guaranteed to succeed.

honour

[RivenIN2]

But you get the gist, detach and they will begin to notice, continue to be detached and they will start to follow. Like a moth to a flame.

I am detached. I have had zero contact with my W since 4th Dec 2010. We are separated by six hundred miles and a lot of salt water. She is not following like a moth to a flame. For my own happiness I do not need her to; I just hope she is not being manipulated, exploited and suffering.

The "detach and they will follow" advise is not guaranteed to succeed.

honour

Yesh I guess I was talking more about my own sitch, live in MLC'er.

[Anjae]

I second honour, the "detach and they will follow" is not guaranteed to succeed. I have not seen my husband in more than 4 years, only have like once or two talks with him a year and for bureaucratic reasons, we live more than 300km apart.

He has not followed at all. If anything he would follow when I was much more attached, during OW1. By then he was always after me. Since I start to pull away he become more and more gone.

Unlike honour I’m certain mine is being manipulated and exploited, starting with his lawyer, and most likely is suffering. Still, nothing I can do about it.

But the detachement is for us, to give us space, peace of mind, allow for heal and growth, not to lure them.

[OnMyJourney]

I like the saying "The one who cares less about a relationship controls the course of that relationship."
or something to that effect, I always seem to get quotes wrong. But you get the gist, detach and they will begin to notice, continue to be detached and they will start to follow. Like a moth to a flame.

Riven, I agree that the one who cares less about a relationship controls the course of tha relationshipbut not with "
detach and they will begin to notice, continue to be detached and they will start to follow. Like a moth to a flame." Maybe I'm in a bad space.  Today h said that he can now move on because I have built a new life and got new friends.  So much for detaching.

OMJ

[Ready2Transform]

Today h said that he can now move on because I have built a new life and got new friends.  So much for detaching.

It's not normal for someone to say something like that.  It sounds like MLC script to make you feel guilty for GAL'ing!  I mean, was he not moving on before, y'know? 

[Ready2Transform]

Ready I was not talking about now, I would not try to apologize to her now. I was talking about when I awoke from my MLC, I tried so hard to apologize and to make amends but was cut short by her rage.

Fair enough (and I think I meant to throw in that I too tried to have that convo around BD when he was Monster and I was coming out of it - he wouldn't/couldn't hear it.  Freaked me out until I found this place.

[Dr. NO]

RivenIN2

How long was your MLC Journey.  Were you experiencing similar feelings/thoughts/fog before you dropped bomb on your spouse?  What made you turn around?

Dr. NO

[xyzcf]

I do not remember reading anywhere to"detach and they will follow". I have read that if your relationship was one where you were the pursuer, that it is a good idea to do a 180 degree change and not pursue.

Detaching is as we know for our sanity...nothing we do/say/insist upon/withdraw is going to cause them to come back. They are reacting to their own inner turmoil...something that goes back to their childhood and it has NOTHING TO DO with us...this is indeed their crisis so as Stayed is so fond of reminding me...get a life and do not focus on their journey.

[FindingJoJo]

Today h said that he can now move on because I have built a new life and got new friends.  So much for detaching.

It's not normal for someone to say something like that.  It sounds like MLC script to make you feel guilty for GAL'ing!  I mean, was he not moving on before, y'know?

So true mine said something similar "I guess W has all the support she needs with all those that are around her......I am here if people want to talk" on FB.  They left now want you to feel guilty because you do something, never mind what they are doing to destroy and you are doing stuff to survive and repair the destruction they inflicted on us.

[RivenIN2]

RivenIN2

How long was your MLC Journey.  Were you experiencing similar feelings/thoughts/fog before you dropped bomb on your spouse?  What made you turn around?

Dr. NO

My MLC lasted a total of 6 years from start to finish. At least a year was with no outward signs to anyone. What thoughts feelings are you asking about? Yes I was in a fog most of that time. I did not drop a bomb on my W I internalized everything until I was going into severe depression and then self medicated myself with my painkillers. I am disabled and get them for my back, I started using more and more until my dosage was more than a cancer patients. I have been clean now for over 3 years and having talked with multiple therapists it seems I do not have a typical addictive personality but was in effect trying to get away from the mental anguish I was experiencing. I never left home either but did cut myself off from everyone. I did in fact think many of the typical MLC thoughts, including the need to run and to push my spouse away. I did not ask for divorce but thought about it almost daily for months. If I had not become dependent on painkillers I would have been driven to leave.

P.S. Can everyone please forget what I said before, it was not really advice and was more about me and my situation. I did not mean to start a debate on weather or not it was a workable tool. Riv