[SavingGrace]

Now this one OP, was helpful. Thank you!

Nothing he says, feels or does while in MLC will be the same once he is out. The only thing that will be the same are the bruises and scars YOU carry because of all he has done.

There's a wall going up around your heart now.
It's going to get higher.
That is not necessarily a bad thing under these circumstances. The layers will peel away when the time comes to rebuild, if YOU choose to do so.

[Mitzpah]

OP,

What you posted from AmyC two posts above is really helpful.
In my last encounter with my MLCer, this actually happened!

1) We (the MLCer) will comb through every aspect of the past to get a handful of "reasons" we will tell YOU that it is over and should have been back then.

and he also told me soon after BD that I had had enough time to turn things around, it was just too late now...
It is reassuring to hear that

Nothing he says, feels or does while in MLC will be the same once he is out.

So I guess we need to protect our hearts and minds from all the cruel things they say and do, knowing that they aren't in their right minds most of the time.
I am bruised and scarred but I know that time heals especially if we are able to forgive. Forgiveness is mainly for us.

[Dr. NO]

OP, Thank you so much.

Mitzpah....My MLC W said the and in same sequence....just after BD

Good to know that everything is happening per well oiled, repeatitive 'drama' script.

Dr. NO

[Anjae]

So it really did just snowball and instead of trying to talk about it reasonably like an adult, I got derailed by MLC and then couldn't even manage to form a coherent friggin sentence that would begin to explain the garbage in my head. BUT, while IN the MLC, I told my husband that he'd had plenty of time to turn things around. It's just too bad he didn't have a crystal ball.


So, they are little kids, don't talk and let themselves be hit by crisis mode. Even if he had a crystal ball would not do of most because I don't think Amy, or any other MLCer would listen.



Amy

6/22/06

There are a few things you have yet to grasp about MLC.

1) We (the MLCer) will comb through every aspect of the past to get a handful of "reasons" we will tell YOU that it is over and should have been back then.

Problem is, they keep saying is over but don't really allow it to end. Not even if the LBS is done. Why don't they just lets us go if its over and we're done?... Does any former MLCer has an answer to that?


2) Whatever the MLCer says, he or she really means it WHEN THEY ARE SAYING IT.

True.


3) Neither of the above will apply on the other side of the tunnel. Half of it won't even be remembered at all.
True for the MLCer. They won't be remembered but LBS. Will. And not only what they have said but what they have done.



But as long as your husband is in MLC (and I really believe he is) he's not reliable, his memory is not reliable, his entire view of the future is not reliable. Nothing he says, feels or does while in MLC will be the same once he is out. The only thing that will be the same are the bruises and scars YOU carry because of all he has done.


True, they are not reliable, their memories are not reliable - I've had several proofs f it with husband.
Yes, the bruises and scars we have will be the same because of what they ahve done and they don't remember a thing. Meaning, if we take them back we will live the rest of our lives with the person who has hurt us beyond belief and left us with permanent bruises and scars. Not a very good or healthy perspective if you ask me...

The more I read the stories of people in MLC the more I think we are better off without them while they are on crisis and that remain married to them is not the solution for some of us. And I'm not certain we will all want them back, being we married or divorced. Plus, divorce we are not at the mercy of an unreliable MLCer financial and legal messes.

My husband is following the script to detail but, unlike with many of you, that does not make me feel any better. Just angry at him because he has been keeping me legaly attached to him for 6 years.

[OldPilot]

So all the women here don't feel to left out here is a thread from a male MLC'er who posted on DB.

His name was - My favorite weidro. - His wife also posted on DB before him.

I do believe they get back together at the end.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1287247&page=1

[Anjae]

OP, From that latest link you posted:

“W and I started going to counseling while I was back home. It was good until I went by myself. The counselor told me I need to choose between the 2 women. She also told me that OW#2 sounded like a typical mid-life mate that ultimately was the one for me (a companion mate) versus my W who I met when we were young, opposites attract, we made kids because that is what biology dictates, then I moved on to find my “soul-mate”… “

Would say counsellors repeatedly seem to be responsible for a lot that MLCers (and non MLCers) end up doing. Wife was the young attraction and OW2 the midlife/lifelong mate?... What sort of a counsel is this?... Counsellors and therapists, overall, seem to do more bad than good.

“I have been living with OW2 since then (July 2007). I have been through hell and back with antidepressants (it took me a long time to admit I was chemically challenged).”

So, they know they are depressed and chemically imbalanced. And some even manage to take AA or AD for a while and, when they do it, they feel better.

“Fast forward to now – I want to restore my marriage and my family. I am still depressed, but have some clarity as to what is important.”

They keep knowing they are depressed and a point always comes when they want to restore all they have ruined. Think they always end up at this point.

[limitless]

AnneJ,

OP, From that latest link you posted:

“W and I started going to counseling while I was back home. It was good until I went by myself. The counselor told me I need to choose between the 2 women. She also told me that OW#2 sounded like a typical mid-life mate that ultimately was the one for me (a companion mate) versus my W who I met when we were young, opposites attract, we made kids because that is what biology dictates, then I moved on to find my “soul-mate”… “

Would say counsellors repeatedly seem to be responsible for a lot that MLCers (and non MLCers) end up doing. Wife was the young attraction and OW2 the midlife/lifelong mate?... What sort of a counsel is this?... Counsellors and therapists, overall, seem to do more bad than good.

Not knowing exactly how the exchange went between the MLCer and the counselor.....remember he is relating the story based upon HIS viewpoint (which is the only manner he could tell the story, right)?

I'm guessing he told the counselor that he was involved with 2 women....and the counselor stated that he could not remain in that type of situation - that he needs to choose between one and the other.

Being an MLCer - I would bet his pro and con list - had his wife with most or all of the cons and this new wonderful OW as the pro.  I don't know if he convinced his counselor about how better suited he was with the OW.....or if he just heard what he wanted to hear - (another typical MLC trait).

If the counselor truly did counsel him out of his marriage and encourage him to pursue his affair (which I really have a difficult time believing) - then that counselor shouldn't be counseling ANYONE.  If anything - he should be counseled to be ALONE for a time - and really get to know himself...and what he wants before making ANY decisions.

My H's counselor (it seems to me...as I have NEVER met her and only know what he and the kids have said about her) - seemed to have counseled my H out the door.  But, is that what she really did?  Did he see her and tell her that he no longer wanted to be married and wanted counseling on how to move on with his life?  I know that she told him that his love of his ex-wife was a fantasy and not real (H told me this)......and I know that he hasn't seen her for a long, long time........(I guess the moving on with his life hasn't happened).....

I think MLCers hear what they want to hear.  And counseling does them no good....especially during Replay.

L

[Anjae]

Limitless,

We only have what the MLCer wrote but the argument the cousellor used can be often found in women’s magazines, several web sites and I have even people heard people say things like that many times before.

And it would not be the first time a counsellor tells the person that they need to do what they need to do to be happy.

But here is the rest of what the MLCers wrote:
“W and I started going to counseling while I was back home. It was good until I went by myself. The counselor told me I need to choose between the 2 women. She also told me that OW#2 sounded like a typical mid-life mate that ultimately was the one for me (a companion mate) versus my W who I met when we were young, opposites attract, we made kids because that is what biology dictates, then I moved on to find my “soul-mate”… I told my W the day after that visit that I had honestly tried, that I could live with myself, that I could look in the mirror and feel good about who I was. I told her that I needed to be with OW#2 and that I could be a better father to the kids while with OW2 than I could be while living miserably in the house with her. I moved out that weekend.”

When he started going on his own, OW2 become the woman to go for. However the counsellor knew his wife. Well, we know MLCers only listen what they want to… so…

True, counselling does them no good during Replay. My cousin went to tons of psycologists and none of them was of any use.

I’m not so sure the love for an ex-spouse is a fantasy. If I remarry I don’t think I will ever stop love my husband. That does not mean I will not be able to love second husband. Love for a former spouse is different but I think it still exists.

[Dr. NO]

I can tell from my experience that MC we used was great on phone and talked all Blah Blah until we landed in his office.  I had to stop that MC nonsense after 4 sessions.  Without even asking me a Q or my opinion, in session #4, he began saying.. "So, now based on what you told me (my MLC W told him), now the MC switches over from 'marriage counseling' to 'Divorce counseling'.  My MLC W nodded in agreement and then he wasted how we using his services to figure out our D is less costly than going through lawyers.

When I told him I am not planning on using his services (at the end of session#4, the greedy fella won't give up).  He said.. "I want to meet with you again".  I tried to be polite but explained how I have decided to discontinue his services.  He was persistent.  At that point I asked him.. if he was willing to pay MY hourly rate since it was him who wanted to mee with me!

Go figure.

Dr. NO

[Thundarr]

So, a question about the script.  It seems to be pretty much uniform around BD and a few months after but what about in the second half of this.  Any observations?