[FindingJoJo]

OP,  I am not saying that they are choosing their condition; rather, I am saying that their minds are so selfish that they believe what they want to believe instead of the truth.

I think though that to them what they believe is the truth to them so why should they believe otherwise.  I think that you are assuming that they have rational thought and it is clear by their own actions that they aren't rational.  To them their version of events of the marriage, the paranoia the hurting, their feelings are truth and no matter how hard we try to show them reality, it simply isn't there.  They are convinced it has to be this way and believe that the choice they are making is best for all and is going to save them from the problems.

[calamity]

Doc, i don't think you are necessarily wrong about selfishness.  If you look at all behaviour on a spectrum with selfishness near the 'normal' end and sociopathy at the other extreme, mlc behaviour does fit in somewhere.  Anyway, we know mlc is not a diagnosed illness but it helps to explain some really inexplicable behaviour.

[OldPilot]

Well, what happens when we give up that fight?  There must be over 2000 thrads discussing this topic on this board alone.

If you are saying we need to detach then I could not agree more.

But that does not mean that we still do not LOVE them.

However I certainly agree that it must be from a distance.

[Doc Hudson]

I think though that to them what they believe is the truth to them so why should they believe otherwise.  I think that you are assuming that they have rational thought and it is clear by their own actions that they aren't rational.  To them their version of events of the marriage, the paranoia the hurting, their feelings are truth and no matter how hard we try to show them reality, it simply isn't there.  They are convinced it has to be this way and believe that the choice they are making is best for all and is going to save them from the problems.

The affair is selfishness.  The rewriting of history is selfishness.  EVERYTHING about what they do is selfish.  They gave up the fight and gave in.  They want what they want but the problem is, we are not what they want.  If or when they decide to fight back their selfishness, we may be something they want again.  Usually, by that point though, they are not something that anyone would really want.

[Dontgiveup]

OP,  I am not saying that they are choosing their condition; rather, I am saying that their minds are so selfish that they believe what they want to believe instead of the truth.  They completely tune out anyone who has a different 'opinion' than theirs.   

Yes, this is very much a component of MLC.

If we are all selfish and we all have to fight our selfishness back, are we really just fighting back 'mental illness'?  In my opinion, yes. 

We may be fighting back human nature, but I don't agree that we are really fighting back mental illness.

There must be over 2000 thrads discussing this topic on this board alone.

There are also articles and blogs on this website that provide helpful information.

[Dontgiveup]

The affair is selfishness.  The rewriting of history is selfishness.  EVERYTHING about what they do is selfish.  They gave up the fight and gave in.  They want what they want but the problem is, we are not what they want. 

I would agree with these things.  They are basic to MLC.  They are why it becomes a crisis versus a transition.

If or when they decide to fight back their selfishness, we may be something they want again.  Usually, by that point though, they are not something that anyone would really want.

I don't necessarily agree with this.  Perhaps the LBS isn't interested at this point.  Fair enough.  But consider this information from Jim Conway about who they may become after going through their crisis.

"After many of the values are sorted out and realigned, there is a gradual coming-down from anxiety and a return, surprisingly enough, to life structures quite similar to the previous ones, only now more refined and effective."

RCR's article "A Midlife Metaphor" is perhaps the best I've read at describing the MLC process.  From the shattered brokenness of Liminality to Rebirth as Conway describes above, using the example of Humpty Dumpty gives good imagery of this in my opinion.

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview_midlife-metaphor.html

[Dr. NO]

Doc,

You have done your job of assisting LBS bros and sis here.  It is up to them to process and reach their own conclusions.

MLC is crap.  One must run away from it as fast as one can, irrespective of one's decision to stand or not.  Just one data point..howver in retropsect (and only in retropsect) I could see that how all the ingredients were there for my W's MLC from day 1.  I was fool and ignorant (I did not know this MLC crap, hormone play, preimenaupuase, menapuse....for which I must take responsibility and suffer.. and yes I have done both). 

I must run away from MLC as fast as I can to save sanity of myself and my kids.

Love, compassoin, mental illeness, pity.. oh yes, I am cycling through all of that.. but for now.. my priority is to RUN, RUN away from MLC,......similar to my MLC W running away from HERSELF.

Dr. NO

[readytofixmyselffirst]

I have been reading up on tranisitional personality and that research now concludes although recommending more study, that all people see changes in personality from birth to death. They do acknowledge that traumatic events can also change the personality of a person.

Based upon my initial readings, I think MLC is really a transistional crisis. Just like adolescents find the transistion difficult others go into complete crisis. Likewise the tranisition from single adult to family is another transistion that most make, I see others go into crisis. In this regard, I think of the younger women with children whose H suddnely rejects the family even with really young children involved. Our situation is another crisis as well.

Of course, I an fleshing out the details. However, regardless of how we look at the situation, we have to realize that it is a crisis that strikes a relatively small percentage of the population. Therefore, it doesn't warrant a blip on the social science radar screen.

[Dontgiveup]

Of course, I an fleshing out the details. However, regardless of how we look at the situation, we have to realize that it is a crisis that strikes a relatively small percentage of the population.

Ready

I agree.  When I first began to see what information I could find about MLC, one of the things that struck me was the Conway book I found was written about 30 years ago.  It's not a mainstream book.  I believe that everyone transitions and matures during their life span.  MLCers are that relatively small percentage who are unable to transition normally.

There are other issues such as perhaps mental illess, trauma or injury that can affect behavior.....but I do not categorize them with MLC. 

[Doc Hudson]

The affair is selfishness.  The rewriting of history is selfishness.  EVERYTHING about what they do is selfish.  They gave up the fight and gave in.  They want what they want but the problem is, we are not what they want. 

I would agree with these things.  They are basic to MLC.  They are why it becomes a crisis versus a transition.

If or when they decide to fight back their selfishness, we may be something they want again.  Usually, by that point though, they are not something that anyone would really want.

I don't necessarily agree with this.  Perhaps the LBS isn't interested at this point.  Fair enough.  But consider this information from Jim Conway about who they may become after going through their crisis.

"After many of the values are sorted out and realigned, there is a gradual coming-down from anxiety and a return, surprisingly enough, to life structures quite similar to the previous ones, only now more refined and effective."

RCR's article "A Midlife Metaphor" is perhaps the best I've read at describing the MLC process.  From the shattered brokenness of Liminality to Rebirth as Conway describes above, using the example of Humpty Dumpty gives good imagery of this in my opinion.

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview_midlife-metaphor.html

With all due respect, let's say that you are single again, and I come up to you and say:  "Hey, let me set you up with a girl that I know.  She's recently divorced because she cheated on her husband, neglected and rejected her kids, ran up the credit card bills before she left, and then publically humiliated him all the while showing absolutely no remorse.   Don't worry though, she's over her little crisis now and is allegedly a better person.  Do you want her number?" 

If your reply is anything other than "F*CK NO!", you, my friend, need a white jacket with really long sleeves.