[calamity]

thanks for sharing yr exp. riven.  It can't be easy to review it.

[RivenIN2]

thanks for sharing yr exp. riven.  It can't be easy to review it.

Actually I have healed enough to be able to share it without feeling any pain but I will carry the scars for the rest of my life.

[hobo1]

Riven- thanks for sharing.  So for 6 years, you had this 'mental anguish'.  I hear about the pain the MLCers go through.

Can you, if you don't mind, describe what this mental anguish is like?

Is it like feeling guilty, or ashamed, or hopeless and then depressed?  Just trying to understand the pain that would cause you to want to push your loved ones away...

[Doc Hudson]

To Doc....Angry much, Doc?  I hear you.  I get it.  I had thought I had pretty much let go of the anger...but there is was yesterday....I was so very angry.

Take care..Doc.....Work through that anger - for you and your kids.

Angry, yes and no.  It's more like a mix of righteous indignation and a helathy dose of testosterone.   It is what it is.  Thanks for the concern, though.

[RivenIN2]

Riven- thanks for sharing.  So for 6 years, you had this 'mental anguish'.  I hear about the pain the MLCers go through.

Can you, if you don't mind, describe what this mental anguish is like?

Is it like feeling guilty, or ashamed, or hopeless and then depressed?  Just trying to understand the pain that would cause you to want to push your loved ones away...

Hobo1 the pain is all mental, for me it started with not wanting to do ANY of the things I always liked to do. Nothing brought me any sense of comfort or relaxation. It was very much like a serious depression with all the symptoms of it. But it went further then that as it progressed into the fog state where I was walking around in perpetual confusion and would forget the simplest things. I also did not sleep well and began to have the feeling of not being able to feel at ease. RCR described MLC as a state of Dis-Ease not Disease. I find that to be the most descriptive way to say it, I was always feeling dis-ease or the lack of ease. No matter what anyone did or said I could not feel at ease within my own skin.


As this feeling grew and took over my every waking moment I began to blame those around me which happen to be those closest to me. W, D, S and other family members that live within walking distance. It had to be their fault who else could it be? Not mine that's for sure! Anyway the rest is all scripted, and more of the same with varying degrees of severity.


Today I am fighting depression and the feeling of missing the W. So far I am still able to beat back the blues and keep my head above water. She is either going back into replay or revisiting each of the stages on her way to overt depression. She is doing some history revision and telling friends I am trying to diagnose her with depression. She claims I was watching a documentary on depression yesterday and fooling myself into believing she was in that state. I actuality I was watching a doc on the human brain and there was a short part discussing depression but only to emphasize the chemical changes that occur within the brain at that time. Anyway she posted this on a friends FB page.

[calamity]

You said, I was always feeling dis-ease or the lack of ease. No matter what anyone did or said I could not feel at ease within my own skin.

That's really interesting.  I have definitely felt that dis-ease but never for more than a few hours.
cj

[RivenIN2]

You said, I was always feeling dis-ease or the lack of ease. No matter what anyone did or said I could not feel at ease within my own skin.

That's really interesting.  I have definitely felt that dis-ease but never for more than a few hours.
cj

I think everyone has felt this way at some point in their life but like you said only for a few hours. During MLC once it starts it never stops, you go to sleep and wake up feeling this way. Always on edge, like fight or flight 24/7. It is exhausting and can play havoc with your mental aptitude.

[Ready2Transform]

Very, very true.  It's like being tortured.  I don't know about you, Riv, but for me it brought back memories of things I hadn't thought about in many, many years.  When I did sleep, I had horrible nightmares.  And even amidst lashing out at those around me, I almost felt like a bullied kid - I didn't WANT to be doing that, but I felt that I had to.

[HeyJude]

Hi Doc..with what you say :
"... she cheated on her husband, neglected and rejected her kids, ran up the credit card bills before she left, and then publically humiliated him all the while showing absolutely no remorse.   Don't worry though, she's over her little crisis now and is allegedly a better person.  Do you want her number?"

What I don't get - is what version of themselves do they therefore present to the  affair OW/OM before they even leave H/W.. if not this MLC behaviour or do they put it on hold while they are in the chemical high stage of pursuing OW/OM..wouldn't a sane person pick up on some very weird personality traits?

I too wonder if certain traits have been lying dormant in my H..or he did his best until he just couldn't help himself anymore when lapping up the ego stroking from the female work mate/s ....recently he told a mutual friend that his 'pattern' seems to be starting another relationship before finishing his current one..(and doesn't get it...just says 'i guess that's just who i am" - good god! self absorbed/self pity crap)  as he likes to phrase it...i tell him that's adultery..he left his first wife and one year old (when he was 30ish/ 7 years before we met - he was away a couple of years and did want to reconcile but she wasn't interested) in a similar fashion..affair (we were together 20+ years before his latest run..does that make a pattern? what have i missed in between!) -..the accumulation of this, that and the other that produces the perfect mucky storm.  and so it goes.

Thru my pollyanna-ish eyes i just thought he would never do it again of course! hadn't he learnt anything? Boy have i grown up..I really find it so difficult to believe that any affair relationship that has started in such cling-on muck and delusion has any room to grow anything except weeds ! 

Having seen and heard such weirdness, my H was almost like a person who had willingly tripped into delusions of grandeur and it was scary to think he believed what he was saying and doing..but..there was always a glimmer of guilt .. to me he never completely lost a piece of the truth, but pushed it away, didn't want to face it..wanted the 'drug' of love...maybe it's a weakness, a character flaw that he plays to..the musician/songwriter that he is!  No body else matters. that's my ramble for now...

[kikki]

What I don't get - is what version of themselves do they therefore present to the  affair OW/OM before they even leave H/W.. if not this MLC behaviour or do they put it on hold while they are in the chemical high stage of pursuing OW/OM..wouldn't a sane person pick up on some very weird personality traits?

Jude - Believe me - these OW/OM would have to be emotionally stunted.
I was the target of obsession for my MLC boss, some 20 years ago.  Knowing what love felt like, I can confirm that obsession feels plain weird.  To think that that is in any way normal is just a joke. 
My Boss pursued me relentlessly for many many months.  He simply did not give up.  I had zero interest, and knew he was a depressed mess.  I kept telling him to go and get help.  He didn't, but was on medication.
One day, I remember walking in on him staring with adoring eyes at my wedding photo, with a benign grin on his face.  I had taken some pictures to work, and he had grabbed a handful and took off to view them more closely. He was saying that I was his dream girl (to himself)!!!
It was creepy to say the least.   

My H too had extreme delusions of grandeur.  His ego inflation was unbelievable.  The shadow of all that creativity perhaps?  He previously had been a very modest man, but I now have to wonder if that was a cover up??