[justasking]

There is information on all the stages of MLC 1-6 but little on the sub stages of awakening and reconnection. Does anyone have any insight into these two areas?

Thanks

[Rollercoasterider]

Justasking,

This is  an excellent topic for discussion. I've been asked it by several people and one recently--two days ago. I am thus planning to write an article or series of articles for the newsletter on this.
But there is also a reason I have not focused on this and why I want it to be a very minor focus in my articles. Standers who are not ready for reconciliation will focus on that end result rather than on their present place. I think that it is good to know what is coming, but often what is coming is more MLC downward spiraling and too much focus on reconnection leads people to focus on that and get their hopes linked with expectations and set up for a crash. Standers with such a focus and hopes linked to expectation have a high fall rate.

That said, I am not meaning it  is not a good topic to discuss. I meant what I said initially. This is an excellent topic and a discussion will help me in writing my formal articles, so I look forward to this.

Everyone....please chime in.

HUGS,
RCR

PS: I've set up this board a little differently than what most of you are used to regarding the topic icons. This is clearly a universal discussion thread. I changed the icon from the mirror which is about Self-Focus (my 2nd section of articles) to the Listening Heart which is for interactions with an MLCer (my 3rd section of articles). I changed the other new topics to the story book because they looked like they were meant to be those poster's personal story threads. The guidelines for this are in the sticky about Posting Guidelines at the top of the board. I expect this will take some time for people to catch on.

[Rollercoasterider]

Just so you know that I'm working on this, I am now going through my manuscript--400 pages--and searching separately for various reconnection keywords to see what I've already said. After that I will do the same thing with my Coaching Archives--over 1000 pages, but the documents are separated by years.

The Archives will probably have more than the manuscript.

[justasking]

I look forward to reading your information when it arrives.

It is difficult for LBS who see these changes but don't know much about them but realise that it would be tempting to focus on the end result and get reconnection and touch and goes mixed up.

What we have to keep reminding ourselves is that while OW is still around he is in replay.

[OldPilot]

Reconnection usually starts after replay ends. Anytime during replay it is probably just a touch and go. Reconnection is usually accomplished in reverse order of the when the bomb was dropped. IE the LBS is the last one to be reconnected. The MLC'er breaking withdrawl is when the true reconnection with the LBS should start. This should not be confused with OW/OM withdrawl (from an A)

[justasking]

One of the most confusing things about reconnection is the difference between touch and go's and reconnection.  For instance do touch and go's move into reconnection? Are they the building bricks for this next phase? If the OW is definately gone by acceptance then is it quite possible that she maybe there during reconnection as he tries to make his mind up.

Written down the difference is black and white. In practice I think it is much more confusing and not so black and white.

Awakening is more straight forward I think. As the WAH/WAW starts to wake up and we see flashes of the old spouse.

Clarity would be good.

[OldPilot]

If the OW is definately gone by acceptance then is it quite possible that she maybe there during reconnection as he tries to make his mind up.

This is not right. If there is an OW/OM then the MLC'er is still in Replay, until they are gone they can not leave this stage.

Touch and Go's during Replay are moments of clarity for the MLC'er. They are still firmly in the tunnel and basically just peeking out during this time.

[justasking]

I absolutely agree that they remain in replay while OW/OM is there.

But a number of stages can run together. Replay behaviour maybe diminishing but OW/OM remains. Often in the crisis the affair comes towards the end of replay not the beginning. With this in mind it stands to reason that the OW/OM may be the last to leave as he/she leaves withdrawal, starts reconnecting and goes into acceptance.

As the travel through 2 or 3 stages then replay may be the less dominant stage with depression, withdrawal or even anger showing itself more forceably.

For OW/OM to leave takes a huge amount of trust from the WAH/WAW. If the trust is not complete then the wayward spouse may hang on to the bitter end to make the decission.

My H is currently living with OW. His replay behaviour is diminishing. He is also in withdrawal and depression which fluctuates. If he is doing touch and goes with the children these are different from the early touch and goes. More sustained. More love being shown. Constant communication. Taking them on trips and holidays without OW.

I can feel the guilt and confusion in him as well as depression. He is not yet connecting with me but he chats, gives me good eye contact and we now go out as a family.

I just feel that saying that H is still in replay negates other positves that maybe going on as he moves along his tunnel. If he is still doing touch and go's then they are intense and this is the clarity I feel need.

[OldPilot]

But a number of stages can run together.

Yes stages can run together or even repeat.

Replay behaviour maybe diminishing but OW/OM remains. Often in the crisis the affair comes towards the end of replay not the beginning.

Beginning of the affair is normally the start of replay(or bomb drop)

My H is currently living with OW. His replay behaviour is diminishing. He is also in withdrawal and depression which fluctuates. If he is doing touch and goes with the children these are different from the early touch and goes. More sustained. More love being shown. Constant communication. Taking them on trips and holidays without OW.

They can bounce around between stages and back and forth.

IMHO your H is in Replay,  but for what it is worth I would not worry about what "stage" he is in. Take the positives as a small gift from him.
Work on yourself. Be the best MOM that you can be. He still has a lot of baking to do before you can take him out of the oven!

[justasking]

Now that is the confusing part because some information states that the affair maybe start in the middle or end of replay, the final fling if you like.

My H had changed his appearance, bought a motorbike, started mixing with younger people 18 months before accessing a dating site. It is only an assumption but the new cltes, friends and mode of transport didn't give him the happiness he needed to live his life.

Many LBS can give examples of replay behaviour before the affair.  Is bomb drop not different to replay? I realise they have to be in replay to drop the bomb but many WH/WW have has an ea before they drop the bomb. So replay comes before bomb drop?