[Rollercoasterider]

I THOUGHT a couple weeks ago H might have been having an awaking, The small awaking at the end of replay. He showed the first signs of missing D and GD. Crying everytime he talked to D. Told D he missed her and GD and he had missed out on so much in the first year of GD life. He even lied to OW so he could sneek and see GD on her 1st B-day for a few minutes.

D said when he drove off he was crying. Haven,t heard from him since unless D contacts him.

I have read through this whole thread several times. Can anyone give me insight into the awaking at the end of replay.

What you are describing sounds like a touch and go when for a moment he has some clarity of what he is doing.

During the awakening process they start to look towards home to see if the door is open. During a touch and go they cycle towards home and out again without any step towards a decision to make his way back.

This got me to thinking and I have added the following paragraph to the end of the last article in the newsletter--revised the back issue too.

Awakening
How are Touch-Goes and Reconnection related to Awakening?
An Awakening begins a transition of changes in behaviour. It may or may not trigger a Touch-Go and it will precede Reconnection. There may be an increase in emotionality, possibly visible terars which are not present in stand-alone Touch-n-Goes.
-End-

Due to his emotionality this may be the start of an Awakening. That does not mean it will take or last...or that it will not take or last. During a typical Touch-n-Go an MLCer makes contact and may seem like their old Self, they may eve express regret and remorse. But there is not the same level of emotionality as in an Awakening. There may be so much emotionality in an Awakening that they may withdraw.

I have an article on Awakening scheduled for around the turn of the year.

[Trustandlove]

hurt01,

My H had what could be called an 'awakening' last year in November -- he wrote me a very emotional letter, and said that he had cried more than he probably ever had in his life.   He said that he had suddenly realised that I had been hurt, possibly very badly.  The trigger was a song he heard on the radio, one whose lyrics he had seen printed out at home here the summer before (I had done that for completely different reasons, but it just goes to show that you never know what can trigger what.) 
There was definitely some reconnection going on, we started corresponding again and talking again. It had been e-mail only for something like 9 months.   He even referred to us by the pet names we used to use, harder issues were being brought up -- but it didn't last.

Now in my case this may well be because I jumped the gun in two ways -- one, I let my own anger and emotions out, and two, I started trying to "negotiate" a reconciliation.   

It was all too much for him.  Also, he was still adamant that he just doesn't go back in life, not to anything -- not to a former job, not to a former relationship. 

That was actually a pretty major thing for him, but it in no way led to him even thinking about coming back.  What it did lead to was him confessing all that he had been doing, which to me at least explained his behaviour even before he left, as he had been blaming me for everything for so long.  At least it meant that I was not nuts.   But as far as he was concerned it was still the marriage and by extension me that was at fault, and he didn't want to go there. 

Now he has had another, very small, awakening, this time to the fact that our S really is a problem.  He says he feels guilty. I've seen the tears again, not floods this time.  He has already seen that his "dream" job really isn't that at all; as a matter of fact he has said several times that he can't cope, that he can't do this for much longer. 

And that is as far as it goes. 

Anyway, through all this what he has shown is that he still doesn't want to deal with any of it.  There is awareness, but no more.  The same goes for his mother with alzheimer's; when absolutely forced to by his sister or circumstances (the home she was in was closing) he does something, but generally he just avoids. 

That is a long example of what RCR just wrote; very likely that there is so much emotion that he just withdraws. 

Last year I jumped in with both feet; this time I know better.  I hope it will be better for me. 

[hurt01]

Thanks RCR for the info, That does give me hope. There is not much information on vanishers. I have never had a touch and go. So have no idea what to look for or expect other than what i have read here.

Tand L
I hope your H awakens this time and moves foreward. I will keep up with your sitch and try to keep learning from what you and others experience. I think if H does ever contact me I will probably pass out or something, it,s been so long since I,ve heard from him.

[justasking]

Hurt

I wanted to thank you for bumping this thread up. It made me re read all about awakening and the potential pitfalls.

As you might know my H is in the awakening process at the moment and I had forgotten how much solid info was on this thread about it.

T&L

Thank you for pointing out how your H had a period of awakening and how you reacted. It has helped me detach from H even more and wait and watch patiently for his next move and not to pursue but let him lead. I pray that your H will move forward again.

xx

[watching and waiting]

T&L, I have seen 3 Touch and go's in the last 6 months, like the one you spoke about.  My H opened up more during each one, but still can't deal with his issues.  He hasn't runaway this time which he would normally do.
He is continuing to make contact but the improvements are so very very slooooooowwwwwwwwwwww.
Like you I wish this would just all end and we can build a better future for both of us.

Hang on in there, hopefully we will both get there soon.
Race ya..............................LOL

HUGS

[Bewildered]

My H is changing - his OW is no longer as important or is gone completely as he lives a long way from me i can;t police his (nor have I or want to at any time) movements - i just get feedback and know he is now back working flat out - long days etc travelling my train a lot and leaving his meetings at 7 and getting back at 9 or 10am - this he seems to be doing at least 3/4 days a week. Weekends seem to be less full on - he used to run and run and cycle and cycle now its a gently cycle and home to sleep - still seems to sleep a lot!
He is either touch/goes with me or reconnecting cant decide as we went NC for nearly 12 months then out of the blue he keeps phoning me or the odd texts with XX ?? when this he hasn't done as i said for a year.
is reconnecting with older child  but has moved away from younger one (who tells him of their disappointment in him )
he has told them he that all their bad habits are from him and their good sides of their personalty are from me??
He seems to have low self confidence and poor me pity me and then suddenly can be the arrogant man he was when he first left  and says how happy he is ...
views anyone is this T&G or acceptance recconnection ??
B XX

[justasking]

B

There does appear to be movement along the tunnel and replay maybe subsiding which is good. Though it might be subsiding there is still replay present. During this phase you will start to see a new H but so old H traits as well.

True reconnection comes at the end of withdrawal but touch and goes build the foundations for this and that appears to be happening with your D. MLCers often will choose one child over the other and pamper them. It is hard on the other children when they see this happening.

Sounds as if he is doing  a lot of reflecting and getting moments of clarity too.

Remain detached and don't pursue him. Let him come to you. Mirror his conversations and validate. But be prepared for your H to withdraw again to continue reflecting. This isn't the withdrawal after depression but the withdrawal that is part of replay. When OW is def gone your H will slip into OW withdrawal and then depression. Remember this all takes time to accomplish to carry on with your life as yo are.

x

[hurt01]

Talked to my D22, ask her if she had heard from her dad. She said he has called her twice and she hit ignore on him and he hasn,t called back.

I told D her dad might be trying to reach out to her , but she said right now she just don,t care. It is hard on her having a 1yr old and 8mo pregnant. And her hormones are crazy.

I think H and S are having regular contact. Everytime I talk to S it,s dad this and dad that. Just hanging back and watching.

[Butterfly]

General question: in the beginning h was very manic in his behavior.
When the replay begins to subside, do you see a slower pace in the MLCer?

I've noticed more fatigue, less emotion. He's friendly, kind, but reserved. Almost distracted. Really tired. Maybe they are cycling? The mania will start again? He just seems different. Odd texts, visits etc. where before the communication was very on schedule. Nothing extra.

[trusting]

Butterfly - my H was very manic during replay - made me worry about bipolar actually.  It did subside after replay stopped and I haven't seen the erratic, crazy manic stuff since.  Be prepared for your H to cycle, though, and it may subside and then show again, etc.   He now moves at a much slower pace and has since the depression hit hard (which was about a year ago now).