[D Money]

HB,

That makes a lot of sense. Here's some more detailed information to maybe answer those questions. My wife was with OM #1 when she left me and their relationship fizzled shortly after she left. She hooked up with OM#2 within a month of ending relationship with OM #1. The 5 months she was with OM #2, we were no contact.

After her and OM#2 broke it off we became friends. Since then she has been searching for someone else to fill that void. I only know because I was told by her sister. My wife thinks no one but her sister knows that she's searching. She continually tells her family that we are never getting back together yet she also says that she will move to wherever I find a job.

When she first broke it off with OM#2 I would say that I was an enabler and pushed more than I should have. It got to a point a couple months ago that I felt like I was being used. It was like she wanted to pick and choose which parts of me she wanted. I pulled back from her and let her know that I would not continue to help her the way I was. Our relationship now is one of "friends" or buddies, I guess. We talk on a regular basis. For the most part I let her contact me and I only see her at kids' functions.

[Rollercoasterider]

D Money,

My wife has had two OM's that she had relationsips with but that didn't force her out of Replay.

HeartsBlessing gave you an excellent response. I am familiar with your situation--even though I have not kept up over the last six months--and instead will respond to this as a universal concern.

I addressed some of it from one of our correspondences in the Newsletter from 17 April Issue 2010-8: MLCer's Run, Even When the Alienator isGone[/i][/font][/size]

But let's look at this from the view of an emotional bond. Think back to when you were a teenager and had a girlfriend for two weeks. How distraught were you when it ended--given how teenagers overblow things emotionally, perhaps it was traumatic. But was it as traumatic or more than the ending of a six month relationship, 2 year...?

A marriage is a combining of lives. A single residence, pets, kids, cars and finances. That's a lot of trauma apart from the loss if the emotional and intimate bond. That shouldn't compare to an affair--MLC or not, right.

But it does. Most MLCers are seeking an emotionally-bonded affair rather than a quick fling. Some search for years and date many people before finding their spouse; the same is true of an MLCer in search of the next affair. They are not trying to play the field. Many MLC affairs last a few years and thus the emotional bond and in-fatuative addiction is stronger than a 2 month or 6 month affair. The more the MLCer invests, the more traumatic the break up will be. The investment is emotional, but is also how much of her family and life--marriage, kids--she sacrifices to be with the alienator.

MLC takes several years, thus an early Replayer whose affair was short-lived and thus had little invested will not be ready for Liminality and will instead search for another soul-mate--Mr. Right. I know I said I don't like timelines. That is because people put to much stock in them, trying to place their MLCer on a map. But I also feel strongly that if an MLCer is seeming to return within two years of Bomb, it is premature. Three years from Bomb is often premature! It does not matter that the affair may be over.

The Shadow is surfacing in Replay and the MLCer is running from it. It takes rock bottom trauma for them to stop avoiding and start facing. And the end of the affair may not be what initiates Liminality, it can, but that does not mean it will or that something else will initiate it. For AmyC on DB it was witnessing a motorcycle accident--if I'm recalling correctly. But even then she was at a place where she was ready. I think she'd had premature returns home already and had been in MLC for a few years.

The trauma may not be a big and noticable thing, it could be a series of realizations that are important to the MLCer but you are unaware they are even happening. Sweetheart credits hearing a Michael Buble song--maybe I want to Come Home--I am skeptical though. Maybe that was one item in a series--since he came and left so many times. And he had to hear it at the right time. He may have heard it 50 times before with no significance. I wonder when he heard it--which return? He was almost always wanting to come home. The last time he left he told me he wanted home three days later and a few days after telling me that he told me he'd wanted home on the way to the OWs while leaving--i.e. a few minutes rather than days. So it may not be one thing, but many.  I think what the song may have done for him is  make him realize he wanted to stay home and become dedicated to our marriage.

A million pennies will not make you a millionaire, but $10,000 is still a lot more than a single penny on its own.

There may be some for whom awakening is sudden, and many LBSs are worried about that, thinking that a crisis--someone must die or a life threatening accident--is required to wake them up. A crisis can wake them up, but so can life. And a crisis may not wake them.

My best friend Lingy had bypass in March 2005. In Fall 2008 her MLCer was diagnosed with heart problems, Lingy was diagnosed with heart problems in 2009. It did not stop his crisis; she died a few days before Christmas last year--2009--and that may not wake him either; his crisis began in 2003 (October I think).

This has been a long and disorganized ramble; this is what I sound like when I just type and do not bother to write formally or edit.

HUGS,
RCR

[D Money]

My feeling is that my wife is comfortable with things the way they are. She thinks that we will just continue on this way forever. Me being there no matter who she's with. I don't think she really even knows what it would be like without me.

[OldPilot]

Forever is a very long time. It may only seem like forever.

[OldPilot]

JustAsking
RCR and HB have posted the stages at the top of the forum now!
Thanks!!

JA after you read them we can discuss them in depth if you wish.
Since HB is here participating on our forum, now is the time to ask questions if you have them.

[justasking]

Thanks OP

I have taken time to read and reread the stages etc. Now I know I am not supposed to look at stages so I will make these generic questions about the MLC journey to help others and myself.

As awakening happens at the end of replay does this take time with them ping ponging back into non communication as they work out for themselves what is happening or deoes the importance and replay including OW/OM slowly subside?

It would apear that it maybe possible to get to withdrawal with OW/OM still in tow although their relationship maybe changing. If this occurs and OW/OM stays therefore haulting the WAS journey into the next stage are they then back in replay and have to repeat the depression stage again? I appreciate depression is present throughout the journey to a greater or lesser degree.

As I understand it there can never be reconnection when the OW/OM is present? And at what level is OM or OW present i.e living together to the affair finished but the alienator persistently contacting them>

[OldPilot]

Thanks OP

I have taken time to read and reread the stages etc. Now I know I am not supposed to look at stages so I will make these generic questions about the MLC journey to help others and myself.

You can look at them all you want but trying to figure out where they are in the crisis can drive some of us crazy.

As awakening happens at the end of replay does this take time with them ping ponging back into non communication as they work out for themselves what is happening or deoes the importance and replay including OW/OM slowly subside?

Awakening happens at the end of withdwral into acceptance. Yes it takes lots of time! I think HB took all her times out of these because there  was a lot of controversy on how long she had for each phase

It would apear that it maybe possible to get to withdrawal with OW/OM still in tow although their relationship maybe changing. If this occurs and OW/OM stays therefore haulting the WAS journey into the next stage are they then back in replay and have to repeat the depression stage again? I appreciate depression is present throughout the journey to a greater or lesser degree.

As I understand it there can never be reconnection when the OW/OM is present? And at what level is OM or OW present i.e living together to the affair finished but the alienator persistently contacting them>

Normally when there is a OM/OW present they are still in replay. They must get rid of them to progress down the tunnel.
Other than that they are just bouncing back and forth in replay.

I hope that helps.
You can keep asking maybe HB will pop in and help us.

[MarkedandHealed]

Just asking, the answer is yes.

Everyone is different. I've read threads where some come out and get scared and run back in, then slowly come back out.

And I've seen some where they come out, cry, admit they hurt people and want help.

It all depends on the individual MLCer, the LBS and how they handle it, and if the issues are resolved. And yes, even the OP... as they may be still digging their talons in and trying to drag them back into the tunnel so as not to lose them.

[justasking]

I just need to clarify a couple of points.

If there are signs of reconnection e.g reconnection with family, friends, kids, pets, visits to the house, and OW is still in the picture,  this is still  classed as a touch and go? 

There can be no movement into acceptance with OW/OM still in the picture. Until they are dumped the WAS remains stuck in replay unable to move on?

[MarkedandHealed]

Yes, that is correct.