[justasking]

After a lot of reading and reflecting I think I have grasped Awakening and Reconnection.

OP the mist has cleared (hopefully)  lol.

Whilst OW/OM is still in the picture then reconnection cannot occur however intense the connection is. It has to be a touch and go. Only when OW/OM is totally out of the picture can reconnection take place. This takes place at the end of withdrawal whereas touch and goes happen throughout replay.

Awakening at the end of replay sets the WAS up for the next stage of depression. Although they are awakening to some of the mess left behind them and we may have glimpses of the old spouse,  OW/OM may still be in the picture as no major decisions have been made by the WAS yet as this comes at the end of withdrawal.

[HeartsBlessing]

Whilst OW/OM is still in the picture then reconnection cannot occur however intense the connection is. It has to be a touch and go. Only when OW/OM is totally out of the picture can reconnection take place. This takes place at the end of withdrawal whereas touch and goes happen throughout replay.

Awakening at the end of replay sets the WAS up for the next stage of depression. Although they are awakening to some of the mess left behind them and we may have glimpses of the old spouse,  OW/OM may still be in the picture as no major decisions have been made by the WAS yet as this comes at the end of withdrawal.

This is correct...I should have been more clear in my posting..hopefully this will help clarify even more.

The "Awakening" comes as Replay starts toward its end.  The OM/OW may STILL be in the picture when it starts; but the most important thing is the fact the MLC'er begins to realize some things that will cause the awakening to come about(I cannot tell you what they are, these things are unique to the MLC'er, alone)....the clear sign that they are "waking up" is dumping the OM/OW, then starting the journey into the OM/OW Withdrawal phase...when that completes, they will move across to the true stage of Depression, or should.  In that time, you should see glimpses of the person you knew from before, yet, they are STILL NOT out of the tunnel, as yet.
If there is NO OM/OW, then, then "running behaviors" engaged in should stop,  the person that is known to the spouse should be glimpsed, and they will move directly across to the stage of Depression.

In BOTH types, their clothing should return to normal, some of their actions should return to normal..or what is known to the LBS. 

They are STILL hurting, and may verbalize that hurt...listen and validate, as right or wrong, they have just as much a right to how they feel as the LBS does.  They are NOT listening to the damage they've done, still yet...but know within their hearts they've hurt people..and that's enough for them to KNOW this.  They may also continue on the outside, to justify their actions against the LBS, trying to cause more trouble..it is still yet a part of MLC to do this.
No one is really sure what is going on within them, except they are STILL in misery...well aware of what they've done, but trying to be "brave" on the outside; still trying NOT to look at what they've done.
It is NOT until Withdrawal that the damage becomes clear to the MLC'er

Reconnection comes after Withdrawal is broken by the MLC'er....by that time, the damage is clearly seen by the MLC'er...and they are on their way back toward becoming what they were meant to become...and, of course, this takes time to complete.  During Withdrawal, ALL major decisions concerning marriage, life, job, mortality are made...and more changes take place, sending them into the final stage of Acceptance.

Reconnection goes in a backward way, completely the opposite to how they disconnected...the LBS is last in line...and the LBS journeys with them into Acceptance, or should.

Breaking Withdrawal begins the journey OUT of the tunnel, Acceptance completes the exit.

After that, the MLC'er goes into a "settling down" process, thus completing his/her journey, and even that takes a while to complete, as many things must "settle" within...after that, however, healing, and forgetting begins, and with time, it all goes to the past for good.

In the end, they are changed for the rest of their lives, some things will stay, and some things will have been discarded.

[Trustandlove]

HB, thank you -- this makes it much, much, clearer.   My H's timeline seems to be much longer than most; I have seen the depression that you describe, and most certainly glimpsed the person that I knew, but he is most definitely still in the tunnel.   

I resonate to the line "OW/OM may still be in the picture as no major decisions have been made by the WAS".  As it has never been just one alienator in my case "OW" doesn't mean that one bonding relationship, but the idea of looking for someone else other than me. 

So that I don't hijack this thread I'll put the rest of my musing on my story thread.




 

[Rollercoasterider]

My response to TrustandLove in the Coaching Archives goes over Touch-n-Goes and Reconnection. I am going to use it as the basis for a Newsletter article. Here is a link:

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=21.0

[hurt01]

I know Im a LONG way from awakening and reconnection . But from what I understand H will reconnect with family and friends first then lbs last. Do they disconnect during replay? Because my H withdrew from family and friends before replay ( if this is indeed MLC ). He is deep in replay and living with OW now for 5 months. He has gotten closer to his parents and our D22 since the affair came out in the open. And tries to have a relationship with S23 but S is angry with him. His mom told me last week H contacts her more now than he has in years.

Before bomb drop and us seperating all he did was hide in bedroom if anyone came over. Now he,s around his family all the time. ( yes im confused again). The only thing he did that really suprised me was give his beloved 14 year old dog to our D. Before all this he wouldnt have taken a million dollars  for her. She was like one of our kids. People tried to buy her and there was no way he would give her up. she slept with us. Sometimes I think H loved the dog more than me.

I think me and the dog are the only ones he disconnected from. And my sister because SHE IS MAD because he hurt me. And she is the one who payed for my atty. That made him mad. lol

[Rollercoasterider]

Hurt01,

You are focusing too much on specific details. Not all crises are the same and if your MLCer contacts his family of origin more now than before, it is not a sign of anything regarding whether this is MLC or his location in the tunnel. The more you try to analyze his behaviour at this level of detail, the more you will become confused.

Some don't disconnect from their family. Sweeetheart remained close to his family. He was mad at them because once they figured out I wasn't the problem--and he kept coming home and leaving again--they banned the OW from their family functions. By then he projected onto his brother's wife instead of me since she and his brother were the first to ban her.

He did not contact them as frequently when he left home--I don't think he did because he did not contact his best friend often when he was gone either. But this was not due to a disconnection. He was ashamed and no one supported him in leaving--and his best friend isn't a marriage kind of guy...or doesn't seem that way to me. None of them took sides with me, they simply disagreed with his back-and-forthing.

[justasking]

As awakening happens at the end of replay before depression and withdrawal can I clarify that positve steps are seen moving forward then they are stalled as the MLCer slips into deeper depression and withdrawal?

[OldPilot]

IMHO anything as seen as moving forward is positive, however there are no guarantees.
Just because they move forward doesn't mean that they can't move backwards.

Your description seems correct to me.
Just don't make to much of it.
You must keep your expectations at zero.

But it can help your hope and your PMA.

[Rollercoasterider]

Justasking,

As awakening happens at the end of replay before depression and withdrawal can I clarify that positve steps are seen moving forward then they are stalled as the MLCer slips into deeper depression and withdrawal?

I agree with Oldpilot that you can interpret any forward movement as positive.

But sometimes forward movement in the tunnel involves what feels like a stall. Liminality does not mean they are stalling or stuck, the slow down and withdrawal are part of that portion of the journey. They are still closer to the tunnel end than they were when in Replay--so it isn't necessarily movement in reverse.

Remember that in the beginning MLC gets worse before it gets better? Well, that getting worse is due to forward movement. Pretty soon the light from the entrance to the tunnel is no longer visible. The tunnel is also not a straight bird's path. There are hills, so sometimes the MLCer may be closer to the opening--at the start or finish--and may even see the light, but there is a dip ahead and soon they cannot see the light as they travel forward.

[justasking]

Thanks OP and RCR

I have no expectations at the moment just watch and want to understand.

H made huge steps forward with me but particularly with the children. He had started to hug and touch them again as he always did. He was communicating with me constantly via text and telephone and even took us all out.

Now this has all stopped and H looks more depressed again and has withdrawn contact with me and limited contact with the children (which has been particularly hard on  S 13). HB mention signs of awakening as his touch and go had been consistent since Feb.

I understand that being back in the tunnel can be a movement forward as well. It is a journey he has to do and complete and although he is hidden that doesn't mean he is not moving forward towards the light.

Another question. When the LBS finally is able to detach successfully does the MLC er notice a change in the behaviour of the LBS or not?