[watching and waiting]

HB, Thankyou so, so much.  Your words/reply mean so much to me.
Since March, these episodes of reconection have been progressing , but very very slowly.
It does feel very much like he is starting to awaken this time, but I am very much aware as you say he could withdraw again and again until he works everything out himself.
In reply to his statements about his feelings I have validated, by saying Sorry you feel that way, I am sorry about that etc.
I hope this wasn't showing him pity.
He text me earlier in the week and I replied I hoped he was feeling better.  He replied No worse but thatnks for asking.
Maybe the message popped into your head because of that lol
I did think maybe I shouldn't have said it.
Like you said, I know this is going to go on for a while yet, but I pray things continue to progress.
Thankyou for your thoughts and prayers.  I do appreciate your time and words.
I hope you are well and are not working too hard.

HUGS

[HeartsBlessing]

Hi Mandy,

You're welcome....I wish I had more time, but I try to work with what I have..as far as working too hard; well, I don't always work too hard..but sometimes I work harder than I should. LOL!!

Looks like you're doing fine...maybe you shouldn't  have sent that text message, but you did, and can't take it back; he may have taken it as a little pushy, but didn't do much, if anything......now go forward and see what happens next...

The point is you can't even give them a CLUE that you might be concerned about them; they see it as control, and it translates into pressure on them...never mind the concern is genuine on your part...it is all in how he PERCEIVES what you say to him...and perception seems to be everything when it comes to MLC and the tunnel they go through.

What is your intuition telling you, if anything?  Through this trial, you learn to get in tune with that inner voice that you know so well, yet, you can't put a finger on who it is. 

That will help you at times when no one else can.

I'm not getting anything further at this point, except again, to wait, watch, be patient; showing him love and care...things will start coming forward a little faster as you leave him alone to process his issues, being there only when he needs you, and he will need you, Mandy....he knows you are there for him.  You will have the feeling to "test the waters" from time to time, but you will know what you should say to him; it will come out of nowhere for you...and it won't be bad or anything, but it will be necessary for you to say what your intuition tells you to in order  to help him.

Keep us posted on what happens with you.

[watching and waiting]

HB
How am I feeling? lol
Well to be honest.......alittle spooked out lately 
Like I said compared to the past, this is definitely big steps forward in the right direction.
I have read the stages you wrote.  I have also read all the articles you and snodderley have written on db about reconnection, awakening etc.
He is following the script so closely it is beginning to freak me out. 
When he paid me compliments about my hair - I think I froze on the spot
When he asked about my job etc - I think I was stuttering over the words and don't know where they came from
When he started opening up about how he was feeling - My mind was whizzing and all I could think about was you and your articles and all the advice I had read from yourselves.
I can tell you it was amazing and I just kept saying to myself  ' Please help me God'

Not heard much for 2 days, but he has been texting the kids more than ever.  D18 still doesn't reply at all, and S13 only occasionally.  Hope this doesn't slow his progress.

H has says frequently now also - I wish D would speak to me.


Watching and waiting.More Patience needed

[HeartsBlessing]

Hi Mandy,

I was reading what you were writing the Lord brought forth a great feeling within me; I am in tears; your husband IS moving forward according to the script; He has confirmed that within me.  And, I am thanking Him for allowing me to do what He helps me do.

There was a question apparently you had asked the Lord about, and the answer is "yes"...I do not know what that question was, but you do.
I don't see EVERYTHING that goes on...it is for a reason, I suspect.

Some do it according to "script" some don't....as each person is different, each crisis is different, but the Lord is always the same as in how He answers our prayers...according to our own individual needs.

Now, don't get all teary on me, just do what you've been advised.

Don't worry about whether the kids will slow him down...that is doubtful that they will slow down your husband's progress; his "chasing" them is to be expected, and you know that you are last in line when it all comes down to the wire.

There's still a long way to go, but he is moving forward, and that is all you were really wanting to know right now....you needed to know he was moving forward, and that you were interpreting what you were seeing correctly....and you are.

That, of course, doesn't mean he won't scare himself and run backwards a little ways, but you know the drill by heart.

Now, if he would just get rid of OW, and begin the journey out of the tunnel....that's where waiting, watching and the patience will come in, Mandy.

Adjust to the shock, keep going with your life AS IF...and things are fine at this time; the Lord is continuing to work within the situation at hand.

You're doing fine.

Much love,
HB

[watching and waiting]

Thankyou HB
Yes I did shed a tear and was shocked at what you wrote,  had to pull myself together just a little.
Also there IS a question which I have prayed many many times for the answer.

I have had reports from others today that my H is depressed.  It seems he is now letting the mask slip and showing others the depression he has been feeling for a while now.  I have also been told that he looks 'bad'.   

I think one of the hardest things for the MLCer must be owning up to the fact you have made a mistake.  The OP was the answer to their dreams and it takes a lot for them to actually own up and stop trying to prove everyone else wrong.

Thankyou again for your answers.  I am continuing to pray and thank God for the good signs I have seen already and also for YOU.

HUGS 

[HeartsBlessing]

Hi Mandy,

Now, I just have to be nosy, sort of.  Was the "yes" answer a good thing?  I still don't know the question, and He's letting me know I don't have to know it, but He's NOT telling me if it was a good thing to get this "yes" answer or not.

Hee hee, he's not telling me anything at all on that, and is letting me know that I AM being nosy here. LOL!!  It's ok, though if you don't want to answer my nosiness. LOL!

I'm curious by nature; that has served me well in most things...and you know the drill, if you want to know something, ASK; you might not get an answer, but ask anyway, you MIGHT. 

I think one of the hardest things for the MLCer must be owning up to the fact you have made a mistake.  The OP was the answer to their dreams and it takes a lot for them to actually own up and stop trying to prove everyone else wrong.

You've hit the nail on the head, Mandy....it is hard when the proverbial house of cards falls down, and OP was NOT what the MLC'er thought was going to be the solution to their pain.

It's even harder than that to realize that what you left behind is MUCH better than what you went and got....the old saying is "you don't know what you've got until it's gone."

Him looking bad, evidences the battle he is in at the moment; his moral code and conscience is literally beating him to death over this and his guilt is compounding by the day.  He is beginning to see that he will need to do something, but at the moment, he's not sure WHAT he needs to do.
And so the battle rages within..and I will say the Lord is working very hard on him in answer to your prayers for him.

You WANT this to happen, so he will move across..but that moving will be up to him, as it always has been.  God has NOT forgotten you, Mandy, neither will He forget you.

Signs will continue to drop in the coming days that will let you know God is deep within your situation, and you will be given a measure of peace about this.

His turning back will come suddenly, so be prepared for this, as this will also be evidence that God is truly within the midst.

He has heard your cries to Him, and knows the desires of your heart in regards to your husband.

Your prayers will be answered, as you've been obedient to Him in all He has asked you to do...it's not been an easy road for you, but you've continued to stand for your marriage, not backing down; and He has seen your unwavering stance.

Everything happens for a reason, and it is ALWAYS for His Glory; His hand is upon you; trust and believe that He continues to work within your husband.

That is all I have this evening for you.

Much love,
HB

P.S. I was thinking about you earlier in the day, as I was driving along, and the Lord showed me that some DO follow the script,  just like your husband is doing at the moment, because, if no one did other than the people Snodderly and I wrote about, we would be made out to be liars...and no one would believe that  some DO follow the MLC script to the letter; in other words, our credibility would be damaged.

This is in spite of the fact that I use intuition/my communication with the Lord for the majority of my posts to people; RCR and I, for example have both come through, but our situations were vastly different; which are living examples of "As each person is different, each crisis is different."

There are a number of ways a person can come through the tunnel to the end, and although there are NO guarantees, each person's experience is different...the stages I wrote were to help someone "see" and understand better where a MLC'er was in the tunnel; and it was based on things I saw so long ago in my own situation, that of others, and it was also an adaptation of Jim Conway's stages as well.  I didn't plagarize Mr Conway, but I rephrased some of what he said to help people understand better what they were seeing in their MLC spouse.

There were "key" things within each stage to look for, and I listed those when I wrote these stages..they were meant as a guide, to help; unfortunately, people took them as "gospel", and I did read later posts when I went back this time that could have been hurtful to me if I'd allowed them to bother me.

I found that it doesn't matter how things are phrased, someone will ALWAYS have something negative to say, and people are people....it never stopped me from trying to help anyway.

There are many similarities within the crisis, but the experience is UNIQUE to each person.  Again, some will follow the MLC script to the letter, some will have variations that can go from one extreme to the other.

I don't know if that made sense, but it made sense to me.

[OldPilot]

I didn't plagarize Mr Conway, but I rephrased some of what he said to help people understand better what they were seeing in their MLC spouse.

No your version is much better than Mr. Conways. I could see the similarity when I read the book but you really nailed it.

[Trustandlove]

mandy,

I do hope that this is the awakening that you have been hoping for.  Stay strong.  HB writes beautifully, as ever. 

[watching and waiting]

Thanks HB and T&L
This is becomming a habit, crying agiain.
I know he has to make this move across on his own, and there is nothing I can do now but have the patience I need to see this through. 
The question - Yes the answer was a good thing.  Thankyou.  I don't see it as nosy, just curious lol
Maybe soon I will share the question itself lol who knows.  Will keep you guessing on that one.

I am feeling calmer.  It has been a hectic week at work and I am going to have a relaxing weekend.

You are spot on with the fact it has not been an easy road.  The rollercoaster ride I have experienced has had many twists and turns and I have been through alot.  I have tried to protect my children from the ride the best I can which has been very difficult as we always a very close family unit and OW was one of my D friends.  (Double shock for her as well as me)

Yes I will keep you updated HB.  Thankyou for your time.  You said before things happen for a reason.  Maybe you coming back onto the forums was meantt to be eh???

HUGS

[HeartsBlessing]

Maybe soon I will share the question itself lol who knows.  Will keep you guessing on that one.

Is quite all right; at least it was a good thing to get a "yes" answer....I'm always afraid when He tells me cryptic things like that; but I always say what He tells me to say; even though I might not understand what I'm being given to say to a person.  The message, when given, is for the receiver, not me, and they are the ones who understand it; I'm not always meant to, and I accept that.   It is part of what He's given me to do.

You said before things happen for a reason.  Maybe you coming back onto the forums was meantt to be eh???

The truth is this: I was sent back by the Lord, initially, to the DB board to get an answer to a question, because, as I was going through my 6 year transition, my husband was going through a different kind of tunnel, and I just had caught up with it a year AFTER I exited my own tunnel....long story short, I got that answer and stayed on to help for awhile in return, thinking it would be a short time.  Well, in the meantime, RCR contacted me on FB to get permission to use my stages and sermons here, which I didn't mind at all, and went to get those, posting them here.
She'd mentioned her board starting up, but I didn't get instructions to make this move until she contacted me about using my writings here.  I had clicked the link once or twice out of curiosity, but nothing happened; the board hadn't finished the setup process yet, and I went on and forgot about it, until she contacted me.

If she hadn't done that, I would not have known or I would have actually forgotten that this board existed at all, but I was led here to continue what I know I need to do for as long as the Lord instructs me to stay here; I have not gone back to the DB board.  I wasn't to be there for very long at all, anyway, and when I knew the time was coming for me to leave there; that was when I got led here, if that makes sense.

God works in mysterious ways, and I don't question Him much about what He's about in the leading of me to where He needs me to be at any given time.

The atmosphere here is a really good one, and I've got my instructions to be here until He says leave, and He's not said anything further on the subject as yet.  When the time comes for me to leave here, I will not go back there, I will simply leave and go on with my life; as I will know I'm no longer needed.

He gives me things to say for some, but not for all, and I can deal with that....I cannot pretend to understand why He does that with me and others..but I accept what my limitations are.

I post when I can, as I can, and try to help, and explain things as best as I can do with His help; as He understands things MUCH better than I do, and I've often asked for His help in understanding aspects that I didn't deal with while my husband was in the tunnel.

Most of all, I try to comfort people, give them hope, and get them to understand there IS an end to this, regardless of what happens...that if the marriage DOESN'T make it, no one failed, it is usually bad decisions that were made on the part of the MLC'er that caused the failure, and the LBS is NOT a failure at all; most especially if the journey to change and wholeness is taken...as well as allowing themselves to GROW through this crisis.

I don't believe God ever leaves people whilst they are in this trial or any other trouble they may be in, it is the people who leave Him.

Mandy, I have been where you are, understand where you've been and still are contending with at the moment, and through these times I never lost my faith in the Lord, though I got frustrated and angry sometimes; felt shame, but the Lord let me know the feelings I had were ok to have, and I could vent to Him at any time; He is always listening, and validating.

And even when things didn't look right, smell right or taste right; He was always there in the midst; I don't know what I would have done if He hadn't been there for me and with me during that time.

It is the same, even now; life throws some heavy curve balls at me, but I field them with the help of Him who knows ALL things, and I have faith and confidence, plus hope that He continues to hold my future, and that of others in His hands.

It is said that every tear you cry, He holds within His hands, and He will comfort you in the darkest hour of your fear.

He has been very good to me, and has dealt with me in a gentle way, regardless of how much misery I faced while living my life....He always let me know He was there, and that He would always bless me for my obedience to Him.  And He has, with more than I ever expected, in the way of  seeing to my needs, and giving me gifts to use for His Glory; never forgetting that He gets the credit for all that I am and ever will be.

It is the same for all who believe in Him, serve Him to the best of their ability;  He, in turn, provides love, hope and peace to all who will accept these things from His hands.

Have a nice relaxing weekend.