[hyperglad]

I have been reading several articles about this which my H and many others here  clearly portray.

I am asking the question....is it MLC or is it just, this is who my H is...or maybe it is both 

Here is a link to an article that is my H to a tee. 

http://www.angriesout.com/couples8.htm

[hyperglad]

I have printed some of this off and I am going to show it to my H tonight...I know he will use his passive aggressive behaviour to avoid it, but lets see if it has any impact ...doubt it though 

[superdog]

Hiya,

I put this in another post, but this is exactly what I did. I printed the PA article off ( the one i had said covert abuse on it) and gave it to him. He was really shocked because he couldn't hide the fact that it described all of him.

His response to me was if there was ever a set of traits nobody wants it's those! He then proceeded to climb nto the corner and got a book, wrote down the headings and wrote about himself under each one. Then hours and hours later he brought the book through to me and asked me to read it. He was very honest I'll give him that !

All this was only a few months ago. He was gutted about it at the time, but has never mentioned it since. It must be filed for processing when he can face it. Would I show him again - absol tootin lutely.

interested to hear how your H will respond.

Good luck
SD
x

[hyperglad]

Thanks superdog very interesting....he has just come home and gone the gym with son...the football is on tonight but I need to show him before it...

He always comes up with an excuse not to talk..he's going to work or sleep...he has just woke up or is hungry...reading this , as you say describes him to a tee...and me...I used to feel like a right b*&^% because i don't let things go..so I would go on and on and even the kids I think saw me as a nag. Now D is older she notices his avoidance ..she says , you know what hes like, he wont do anything. Sad thing is when he does get involved, say on holiday or a night out...he loves  it and he is such good company, he just likes to resist me asking him, but the problem is he never initiates anything.

I realise he probably wont totally transform, but if he is not willing to even try then I fear I am done...

[superdog]

Hyperglad,

I agree those are some ugly traits in there and most websites you read with forums tell you to get the hell out of dodge. Like you I thought it was me, thought he was a lazy $h!te too, maybe he just was !

The bit i did realise was the pretending to have told you things that you KNOW they didn't or saying I didn't say that and you'd go doubt yourself. The go round in circles arguments and the blaiming you. The covert getting you back is creepy.

I now know it wasn't me that was insane at all and will never question that again.

Please post how you got on.

SD x

[FindingJoJo]

The bit i did realise was the pretending to have told you things that you KNOW they didn't or saying I didn't say that and you'd go doubt yourself. The go round in circles arguments and the blaiming you.

I think describes all of 2011 and most of 2012 even through now.

[hyperglad]

I have to say he has never been lazy...but he will do everything at his own pace....and he often fails to finish things.

We are watching the football so I will show him what I have after that .

[kikki]

Hi Hyperglad
Thanks for posting.  I wonder if passive aggressive behaviour is tied in with an avoidant personality? 
I've read a few times that avoidants are more likely to have a MLC, than most people.
I wonder if Passive aggression can be included in that too?

The article on neurotransmitters that AnneJ posted recently, stated that whatever personality quirks someone has will be amplified greatly, when certain neurotransmitters become low enough.  (It also mentioned MLC when serotonin becomes enormously low).

I know our MLCers are all different, but mine did show some of these traits to some extent, but they became grossly amplified once the crisis years hit.  (along with narcissism etc).

A couple of weeks ago, out of the blue, he opened up to me about having always been dishonest about his feelings - how his FOO didn't ever allow him to have any or express any or acknowledge them, and so he spent his whole life denying everything and covering it up by being 'happy' 'happy' or saying everything will be just fine. 
I guess this is part of the process - where to from here I don't know. 
I gave my H the neurotransmitter article to read a few weeks ago, which seemed to scare the living daylights out of him.  (he is petrified of mental illness due to his family history). It was a couple of weeks after this that he told me the above about covering up his feelings - so I have to wonder if this got him thinking???
I don't like to ask too much though - mainly try to listen and validate. 

Good luck with getting your H to read about this.  Will be interested to hear how you go. 

[Trustandlove]

Interesting article; of course it made me reflect.

What I see in that description is what my H has been during this crisis, it really wasn't him at all before.  And my H is quite an avoidant, especially of conflict. 

Like the article says, we all do this to some degree, but generally we keep it under control.  Like so much, in MLC it gets OUT of control, and is allowed to take over. 

It suggests straight talking as the only remedy, if there is one; I tend to agree.  What happens with us as LBS is that the fear takes over, yes, it does, and that keeps us from the straight talking.  That isn't to blame us -- it is natural.  It's just what happens. 

I've found that every single time when true straight talking is possible then it always diffuses this passive aggression, it's just that true straight talking isn't as simple as it sounds. 

Of course, I also see where I have, not necessarily consciously, showed some passive-aggressive behaviour when trying to avoid or stall some MLC madness....  it's not easy to keep a clear head and understand when just not doing anything even if we said we would is "being still", and when it isn't right...

As with so much, we can learn from this. 

[hyperglad]

Kiki my H is a conflict avoider too....i think many display quite a lot of similar traits.

 

What happens with us as LBS is that the fear takes over, yes, it does, and that keeps us from the straight talking.  That isn't to blame us -- it is natural.  It's just what happens. 

T&L this is so so true...when the fear goes we are much more powerful.

So last night I showed my h the article...he read it all and then said...why do you have to live your life by what is written down  I said do you recognise yourself...he said NO....I said well i do. I said I cannot and will not go on living this way...you asked to come home...you agreed to try and make things different, however it feels to me like we have just slipped back into what we had before and for me it is not enough. He started making the usual excuses and then said well maybe its not working out like we thought...I said maybe not...he said maybe I should look for somewhere else to live (threats  ) I said well if you feel you cant make an effort that's your choice and maybe you should, I got up and went to bed.

As I left the room he said....don't leave, come back and talk...nope I had finished talking no point...time for him to reflect. I woke this morning and he was next to me...he reached over and cuddled into me and said sorry....i said I don't want you to be sorry I want you to be different...so lets see what the next few days bring . He has been very attentive today...lets see if it lasts