[BonBon]

Hyper,
I'm watching this with great interest as you can imagine.
Please keep us posted....

Hang in there...you are so strong...
bon

[kikki]

Well done Hyper - keep us posted.  I agree - I wouldn't be prepared to live with this sort of behaviour for the rest of my life either. We've all been through too much and learnt so much.

[superdog]

Hiya,

loved your answer and the fact you just kept walking out the room- well done you !

Once the fear has gone from us LBS's it's such a relief and after all that's been said and done by our H's they have to sit up and take notice that when something has to change then actually... something has to change.

Funny, my H said something similar to me loads of times. Why do you always quote some website or book, can't you think for yourself. I said why did you look up how to wire the cooker cable, can't you think for yourself?? It's called research you big plum !

SD
x

[kikki]

Funny, my H said something similar to me loads of times. Why do you always quote some website or book, can't you think for yourself. I said why did you look up how to wire the cooker cable, can't you think for yourself?? It's called research you big plum !

Nice response 

[hyperglad]

Thanks everyone...Superdog, love that reply i will use that next time as he always says...you take too much notice of what people write on the internet.

So later today I am going to view a house I am looking at buying to sell when i retire. In his rant the other day my H said he wasn't interested in saving for retirement as you could be dead soon and when your old you don't need money  . So although I had mentioned this viewing (we have been to several over the last month) I am going to go alone.

If he asks , "why didn't you remind me" I am going to say, well you made it clear you don't want to be involved so i am going to just go ahead and do it myself ...hope that doesn't seem too harsh, but I am sick of him acting like a child (which I told him the other night by the way) He either wants to be in an adult grown up relationship...which as I told the other day means give and take on both parts but also doing things together, or he doesn't in which case he can toddle off and do whatever he wants and make himself happy ever after.

I will keep you posted.

[Mermaid]

I've just found this, and there are certainly elements that describe my H. He's far from being an underachiever, quite the opposite, but his avoidance of conflict and intimacy are there. Especially this:

He has such strong fears of intimacy deep in his unconscious mind so he must set barriers up to prevent a deep emotional connection. He is clever at derailing intimacy when it comes up by tuning out his partner and changing the subject. He must withhold part of himself to feel safe and may withdraw sexually. The passive aggressive man lives an internal loneliness. . He is noncommittal and retreats, feeling put upon and burdened by partner's requests for more closeness. He becomes a cave dweller to feel safe.

H spends his life absorbed by work, FB, youtube, books, TV, music; anything but intimacy, conversation, facing issues. Yesterday, when I said I wanted to improve our communication, he said "it's impossible not to communicate. Communication is in everything we do". So he withdrew from the discussion by putting a philosophical point of view. When I said "OK, you are communicating that I don't matter, that my feelings don't matter" he just ignored me, and focussed on his FB photos. He is always blaming me for being cross, and refuses to face the issues which made me cross in the first place.

 Is confronting him with more information about his failures the best thing to do? I'm absolutely certain that if I showed him this article, he would deny it was him. He would see it as controlling, and he can't be controlled. As the article stated, his father was absent, and his mother domineering. The only way to escape her intrusions is to withdraw.

But more importantly, why do we stay with a man like that? Yes, I can recognise a similar pattern from my childhood. My mother patiently coped with my passive aggressive father for years, who in turn felt completely unable to cope with his own domineering mother. My mother was the coper, the pleaser who just got on with things.

So I fell for my Hs charm, neediness, cleverness, and apparent coolness, and ignored his lack of connection to others. I accepted that he was introverted, and reorganised my life around his needs. As he withdraws from me, and blames me, I see myself as failing. The more I work on the relationship, the more he witdraws, and the angrier I get. I switch between taking care of family, finances; to being concerned about his needs) to being the victim of  his behaviour. My self esteem is caught up with his lack of responsiveness.

The solution is NOT to confront (he will withdraw). My psychologist said the other day that I should avoid blowing up at H, but find other, safer ways of blowing off steam. I have a dear, dear friend who said she will be on standby... We should not avoid saying what we need to them directly, but having said it, walk away, and not turn it into a fight. I shouldn't demand more than he can give, or expect that he will suddenly change. This is why we still have to detach and to GAL.

Thanks, Hyper.

[hyperglad]

Is confronting him with more information about his failures the best thing to do? I'm absolutely certain that if I showed him this article, he would deny it was him. He would see it as controlling, and he can't be controlled.

yes this is exactly what my H did. said he didn't recognise any of this in himself (I showed it to D27 she said that's him to a tee  ) Then later told me it was a horrible thing to be shown someone  thinks of you like this...then even had the cheek to reflect the part that said they need someone to allow it and blamed me...yes he said it in a jokey way...but how much did he mean.

We should not avoid saying what we need to them directly, but having said it, walk away, and not turn it into a fight. I shouldn't demand more than he can give, or expect that he will suddenly change. This is why we still have to detach and to GAL.

This is where i am at ...however i am also questioning, quite seriously if i want to remain in a relationship with this person, if a fact for the future is, little or nothing will ever be different 

[Mermaid]

We should not avoid saying what we need to them directly, but having said it, walk away, and not turn it into a fight. I shouldn't demand more than he can give, or expect that he will suddenly change. This is why we still have to detach and to GAL.

This is where i am at ...however i am also questioning, quite seriously if i want to remain in a relationship with this person, if a fact for the future is, little or nothing will ever be different 

I know exactly what you mean. Why would we stay? There has to be a good reason for that. But I'm going to try and change my behaviour first; stop getting angry with him, and be more assertive.

[Chickpea]

Very interesting thread for me- I always knew my H was passive-aggressive (everybody else said it was "having a calm personality")- but he never took it out on me- till NOW.  He had been contemplating this departure from our home for 1 year ad was actually documenting things about me he didn't like (who does that???)  - well anyways, his passive aggressive behavior turned into blow-ups and leaving the house when angry.  I'm guessing his shrink told him to be more assertive.  Being the chair of his department, he has learned how to get rid of people and has applied the same technique to me.  I guess he thinks everyone is disposable. 

[hyperglad]

well anyways, his passive aggressive behavior turned into blowups and leaving the house when angry.  I'm guessing his shrink told him to be more assertive.

Yes my h did this too....and also said...you don't like it because i am answering back  FFS I said I am not your mother or your teacher...I have tried for years to get your input why would you think it would anger me..

My H is now at the stage where he has rants about almost everything, the government, the youth of today, the Banks  it is me now who just switches off and ignores.

I also think they get confused over being assertive and being aggressive...my H did anyway.