[calamity]

But this Pick me, it raises the background question I always have going on, am I nuts for standing?  I do think couples give up too easily & divorce but still, it is really, really hard to stand when the whole business devours your self-esteem. 

[Thundarr]

This really resonates with me and has nothing to do with whether or not W has an OM or not.  As BJC said on his thread this mess takes all your positive energy and sucks it down a drain.  It's hard to differentiate between whether our spouses are in MLC or just an "affair fog" and we are always posed with the question of whether we even want them back after it's all said and done, or if we are just holding on because of our own co-dependency issues.  Perhaps "standing" is another term for "fixing" in that we hope to win in the end by either waiting it out and assuming they are going through a process that will end with them wanting to return, or to keep us from truly letting go even though in our hearts we know they are already gone.

Very thought provoking read.

[Chump Lady]

Hi, I just wanted to say thanks for the links and discussion of my blog, Chump Lady. It's neat to find you. Per the question, are you crazy to stand there and take it if a cheater wants you do to the "pick me" dance? IMO, yes, sorry. Yes you are. Marriage is not about humiliation and requiring competition to ensure "monogamy." The whole dynamic is abusive. The only response to discovery of an affair from a cheater should be, I'm sorry -- I'm ending this marriage. OR I'm sorry I'm ending this affair. The middle ground is cake. Manipulating your spouse into competing for you (doing the dance of "pick me!") is getting ego kibbles at the emotional expense of someone you've devastated. It's totally $h!tety.

I could go on... I do... on the blog. You matter. You're worth more than taking that crap. 

[dragonfly]

With Gods Help: thank you for sharing the link!!

Chump Lady, thank you for visiting us and your great blog. Were you puzzled by the sudden increase in traffic on your site ??

Wish you well,
Dragonfly

[Chump Lady]

I was Dragonfly! But I'm very thankful to you all. I just started it a couple months ago and very much appreciate the kind words and the new audience.

Finishing up a post now, it's a long interview I just did with George Simon (author of "In Sheep's Clothing" the tactics of manipulators) and he's got quite a bit to say about the "dance." And how in therapy, people who have character issues like cheating need to be confronted (versus the poor sausage treatment they often get in marriage counseling).

[With Gods Help!]

Hi Chump so glad you called in ............i love ya blog.......looking forward to reading more.........ive always been a bit GOBBY (since his affair down) with my h..........and i think this is why i liked your blog xxxxxxxxxxxx

[calamity]

WGH - what's GOBBY?

[Dr. NO]

Chump Lady,

Also checkout Lifetwo.com and specific thread of 'My wife is in MLC, pls help".

Enjoyed your blog/site.

Dr. NO

[With Gods Help!]

Hi Calimity..............GOBBY means saying it as it is.................... no more eggshell walking for me.........and to be honest there hasn't been for a long time..........its just not me........i do have more patience but i don't allow h to blame me for his issues anymore.........xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Finding Hope]

Great link, I think that we can all relate to this at sometime.

FH