[stayed]

Perhaps you are waiting for your divorce to CONFIRM resolution?  You are a very pragmatic thinker, this would make sense to me, that once the divorce is complete, you will have your resolution and be able to move on with your life.  Hopefully, starting new relationship and life.

I could see being "alone" as a resolution.  As long as I was content being "alone", enjoying my peace, then that would be a fine resolution to this! If that were me though, I am sure, I would remain open to the possibility of a new relationship.

Nobody can rush anybody into anything, goodness, nobody can make anybody do anything actually.  What I found was finding other people that were going through the same feelings, pain, emotions as myself, seemed to help me shift along a bit quicker.  Knowing I wasn't crazy was HUGE... that alone helped me to let go and get on with GAL.  After that, each new thing I learned about whatever STAGE I was in, I found it helped me to move along and out of it and onto the next STAGE.  It was like having a mental Check List for me. 
1.Shattering
2.Withdrawal
3.Internalizing
4.Rage
5.Lifting
Check, check... ooops... back to shattered, wth?  Over it, after a good nights sleep... getting quicker at getting out of that stage... thank goodness... Withdrawing/internalizing, I found I internalized while I was withdrawn, obviously my "thinking time"... would come out of withdrawal/ internalizing, feeling one of either ways... enraged/angry or uplifted/accepting... didn't seem to be much of a happy medium for me, but then again, maybe I did that while I was withdrawing and internalizing.  Shattered, definitely became fewer and farther between the longer I was dealing with this crap.  2 - 5 I confess, I revisited often.  I still do, but I seldom have #4 RAGE anymore.  Thank goodness.  Rage makes me weak, in every way, physically, emotionally, mentally.  Makes my head ache.

Just my opinion... not suggesting that everybody should deal with it like that!  I repeat though, I felt reassured when I knew that others were feeling/behaving/reacting, the same way as I. Being able to identify the STAGE I was in seemed to narrow my thinking down and better able to move along to the next great obstacle/revelation (lol).  Knowing I was not "out of my mind" was very reassuring and helped me to move on in my recovery. 

Perhaps I should define how I see the expression MOVING ON.  To me, that expression simply means healing, recovering, able to have a life.  Able to view life with enthusiasm and eagerness.  It did not mean, able to find a new partner.  The idea of a new partner terrified me, although I refused to take ANYTHING off the table.  I felt those were decisions best made with a  completely healed and recovered Stayed. 

hugs Stayed


 

Hugs Stayed

[HeartTattoo]

From HeartTattoo on grief http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4985.0
(From Varney’s Midwifery, H. Varney, J.M. Kriebs, C.L. Gegor)
The first stage of grief is shock, which is the individual’s initial response to the loss.
The second stage of grief is suffering, the phase of reality.
The third stage of grief is resolution, the phase of establishing new significant relationships.

The stages of abandonment according to Anderson [from the Journey from abandonment to healing, Chapter one].  Note that the first letters spell 'swirl' in keeping with the cyclic nature of the healing.    
The 5 stages of abandonment

• Shattering
• Withdrawal
• Internalizing
• Rage
• Lifting

The three stages--Shock, Suffering, Resolution--keep it simple, but there may be stages within those as well.  I agree that withdrawal, anger, depression are threads throughout & may vary a great deal.  Anger is huge for some, experienced very little by others; perhaps the same with depression.

I like Anderson's Shattering.  Shock for the LBS is only a few days really, but Shattering describes what continues with endangered sleep, appetite derangement, etc.  In shock, the body has shut down; Shattering describes the continued reaction, but the body can only live with shock for a short time.

Suffering can encompass not only the inner emotional torment, but is also a reaction to the outside forces--MLCer's continued damaging actions, divorce, financial ruin, suffering/acting out by children, etc, etc.

Resolution will have several levels.  Never a straight line.  Cal expresses this--far along in the journey, yet circling back, acknowledging triggers & the feelings they bring, yet continuing to move in a positive direction.

[Medusa]

I agree, S&D that the rejection leads to "I don't deserve this", but that's a good thing.

It is a good thing for those of us who can see that there is more to life than rejection as it motivates us to look for the good in us without the arrogance. However there are many LBsers on here who berate themselves for not doing this or that. They reject their own feelings and rights in favour of what the MLCer wants.

But doesn't that have to do with to the stage a person is in, S&D? I wasn't posting here during my darkest period, but I did reject myself in favor of whatever he wanted. For months. I honestly believed I had to accept his cruel treatment of me in order to save our marriage. I'm not ashamed of that because it was the path I needed to take to get to where I am now. I liken my experience to his in that I had to reach my own bottom before I was willing to say enough is enough. Not just willing but able.

Which brings me to

Perhaps I should define how I see the expression MOVING ON.  To me, that expression simply means healing, recovering, able to have a life.  Able to view life with enthusiasm and eagerness.  It did not mean, able to find a new partner.  The idea of a new partner terrified me, although I refused to take ANYTHING off the table.  I felt those were decisions best made with a  completely healed and recovered Stayed. 

I agree with this definition. Moving on means living our lives for us. It means acceptance of the new reality and the ability to look deep within ourselves to fix those things that need fixing. And, of course, to begin the healing.

[Thunder]

Stayed...Without a doubt, there is some "denial" in there, but I really think it is far more then that.  I was actually in a very scary state.  I felt physically unwell!  Spacey.  Disoriented.  Paranoid.  Feverish.  Terrified.  Lost.  Feint.

Reading this thread I have to agree with the first stage is not Denial, it's Shock.  Pure and simple.  The state of mind you are in, in my opinion, has nothing to do with Denial.  I feel that comes afterwards.
Then you start thinking...this can't really be happening.
But first you're too stunned to think.  Your body just reacts to the shock.  You have no control.

[nah]

Reading this thread I have to agree with the first stage is not Denial, it's Shock.  Pure and simple.  The state of mind you are in, in my opinion, has nothing to do with Denial.  I feel that comes afterwards.

Denial is the first step in normal divorce/separation.  This was a Bomb Drop in every sense of the word.

After the BD (in my parked car in our driveway) he left and I just sat there with my mouth open for hours.

Then I drove to find him (around midnight, he was at a club singing on stage in his band), he told me "we need space", my car was beat up from that drive home, not sure how I made it home alive.

The next 2-3 weeks are hazy...
I heard voices...
Rarely slept, to this day I'm not sure what was dreams and what was reality.
Some were so scary...I became afraid to fall asleep. 
I would scream his name thinking he was there,... my poor kids.
On the 5-6 day I ate a spoonful of yogurt and threw up...I became afraid to eat.
I had a panic attack, I seriously thought I was going to die.... I became afraid to be afraid.

I remember going to work at 2-3 in the morning and not understanding why nobody was there, I just stared out the window.  The security guard must have thought I was nuts...  Well, I was.

Denial came later.

[Thunder]

I found this song right after BD and it fit exactly how I was feeling.

By The  Script
"Exit Wounds"


My hands are cold, my body's numb
 I'm still in shock, what have you done?
 My head is pounding, my vision's blurred
 Your mouth is moving, I don't hear a word

 And I hurt so bad, that I search my skin
 For the entry point, where love went in
 And ricocheted and bounced around
 And left a hole when you walked out, yeah

 I'm falling through the doors of the emergency room
 Can anybody help me with these exit wounds?
 I don't know how much more love this heart can lose
 And I'm dying, dying from these exit wounds
 Wounds!
 Where they're leaving, the scars you're keeping
 Exit wounds
 Where they're leaving, the scars you're keeping

 Marks of battle, they still feel raw
 A million pieces of me, on the floor
 I'm damaged goods, for all to see
 Now who would ever wanna be with me?

 I've got all the baggage, drink the pills
 Yeah, this is living but without the will
 I'm backing out, I'm shutting down
 You left a hole when you walked out, yeah

 I'm falling through the doors of the emergency room
 Can anybody help me with these exit wounds?
 I don't know how much more love this heart can lose
 And I'm dying, dying from these exit wounds
 Wounds!
 Where they're leaving, the scars you're keeping
 Exit wounds
 Where they're leaving, the scars you're keeping

[x4]
 Lose your clothes and show your scars that's who you are

 Marks of battle, they still feel raw
 A million pieces of me, on the floor

 I'm falling through the doors of the emergency room
 Can anybody help me with these exit wounds?
 I don't know how much more love this heart can lose
 And I'm dying, dying from these exit wounds
 Wounds!
 Where they're leaving, the scars you're keeping
 Exit wounds
 Where they're leaving, the scars you're keeping

[OldPilot]

New thread

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5734.0