[Tsunami]

Thought I would start this thread again to get other perspectives on this topic.

Just drives me nuts, won't talk, respond to emails, answer questions..talk about being shut out and closed off, just total insanity. 

Once again, we are dealing with children who can't emotionally deal with us period, this is crazy behavior coming from an adult.

I know OP, "Sounds like MLC to me!"

Does this get you as frustrated as it does me?

[Moving Forward]

hey Tsunami,
This IS MLC - you need to be lovingly detached from your MLCer to be able to navigate these choppy waters without feeling frustrated. We become single parents when our husbands and wives enter MLC - they are focussed on themselves emotionally irresponsible. MLC is about control and ignoring e-mails etc is all about trying to control you.

MLC takes time. More time than we can possibly imagine. Our lives and those of our children pass us by way too quickly if we don't see the reality of our situation, lovingly detach from the MLCer and their antics and live your life 'as if' they are not coming back (which includes raising children).

It can be frustrating if you have expectations about how the MLCer is going to behave - if you have no expectations of your MLCers behaviour, are accepting of your current reality and live your life as if they are  not coming back then the frustrations are fewer and further between and also help you to see the landscape we operate in in all its techni-color madness.

((hugs))

P
x

[Thundarr]

Hey Tsu,

Glad to have you back!  It seems that nothing has changed from this time last year, though, as your H seems to be hiding from you in the most cowardly way possible.  To me, your H is a textbook Vanisher but that really doesn't mean anything in the long run other than that you have to deal with things differently than those of us who have Boomerangs.  You sound well but I don't see as much of your sense of humor as I remember.  Come on, lady, let it all hang out!!  LOL!!

[FindingJoJo]

Does this get you as frustrated as it does me?

I would have to say I am far more frustrated by this than anything.  It has been two months only for me since I have seen him and I am still in shock that he would pull away so much from me, our sons and pretty much everyone.  I have anger towards this as well - I try to re-direct it mostly but it is always there hovering because he can't even show the common decency to do anything but ask through third parties if his things are okay and what I am doing.  I think about this rather than the PA.

[Rebel Yell]

Hi Tsu,
sorry to here things haven't gotten any better.
How is your health?

[Keepthefaith22]

I think this is the hardest, indifference is more hurtful than anger.  My H is mostly a vanisher, but he will occasionally respond and seem like he is going to engage about the kids or the house ( I know better than to have an R talk) but then he is gone again. It's the weirdest most crazy behavior. One day he is emailing about how can he help, then no response....  he's gone again. It is so hard to detach, to not get hopeful, but the disappointment stings alot when he vanishes again. I guess this is MLC.  He has some text contact with my 21 yr d and my 16 yr s.  My 20 yr old s is working for him this summer, so he is the only one of us that has much of a relationship with my H.  It impacts him though as he is often crabby and seems uncomfortable talking to me about his work, so I ask less and less.   MLC hurts the whole family. It's a family dis-ease.   We are all impacted.

[Chickpea]

I know this feeling very well- my h doesn't contact me in any way, no texts, emails, never answers his phone, nothing.  We know have to communicate thru our attorneys.  This has causes so much destruction for my sons, the 2 out of town barely ever speak to him, the oldest one now refuses to have hid father pay for his car insurance so he' s selling his car.  The youngest son does work in one of the labs at my h's clinic, but doesn't seem happy with the job this year at all and is quitting early. 
I have spoken with several people from his department and they  ask where have I been and why doesn't my h attend any of the functions anymore.  I just tell them he has left our home and lives on his own.  They all seem very surprised.  But he seems to be functioning well at his job so now he is happy in his own way.
All the sadness and destruction, he doesn't see ANY OF IT.

[Anjae]

Second Thundarr, your husband is textbook vanisher. I no longer get frustrated by the silences of mine. Have got used to it for years and find it quite a relief and refreshing from mad monster and anger.

If I really have anything absolutely urgent and fundamental to ask him I call him at work, make the question and he will answer. But I only do that for tax/legal reasons or a true emergency.

We don’t have children so it is much easier. No need to worry with absent daddy.

[FindingJoJo]

Second Thundarr, your husband is textbook vanisher. I no longer get frustrated by the silences of mine. Have got used to it for years and find it quite a relief and refreshing from mad monster and anger.

If I really have anything absolutely urgent and fundamental to ask him I call him at work, make the question and he will answer. But I only do that for tax/legal reasons or a true emergency.

We don’t have children so it is much easier. No need to worry with absent daddy.

Mine won't even sign the dang tax paper I sent up to him and mail it back to the accountant so I had to go ahead and file married but filing separate and it cost me more money.  He won't get a phone of his own because he wants to save money not spend it on a phone bill - he figures my pride will prevent me from calling OW's phone but when it is serious enough I think I could gather the courage to call and hang up until he answers......lol.  yeah still chicken but I refuse to engage with her as I talked with her once and she apologized for her actions to me said she would step out of it and then turned around and facebooked him I got your back babe.  I really, really abhor liars.

[Storm]

Tsunami,

I am so glad you started this thread.  It is a good title and caught my attention quickly.  We all want emotional detachment and the silence and no replies is heartbreaking but in my opinion, we, the LBS, have control over all of these things.  We have control over us and our actions, our feelings, our expectations.

Read what you wrote:

Just drives me nuts, won't talk, respond to emails, answer questions..talk about being shut out and closed off, just total insanity

. 
He wont talk, he wont respond to emails or answer questions because he can't right now. We have expectations when  we contact them and then we are disappointed when they don;'t respond in a way that we expect.  Get rid of your expectations and don't contact him.  Step back and leave him to being "shut out and closed off".

Once again, we are dealing with children who can't emotionally deal with us period, this is crazy behavior coming from an adult.

He doesn't have a clue what to do or how to do it.  It is frustrating to deal with an adult that emotionally can't deal and it is crazy behavior but you have control of you.  Get off the crazytrain  and let his take him where he needs to go. 

I know OP, "Sounds like MLC to me!"

Exactly, that is the only explanation for his behavior and MLC takes time.  Don't we all just hate that part...time.   

Does this get you as frustrated as it does me?

Oh My is it frustrating.  Again, it is all about expectations.  If you have none then you wont be disappointed.  You know what to do.  You know better than anyone how the process of MLC works.  You need to live it.  Step away from the situation and think about what you would say to another LBS if they were in your situation. 

If you lessen your expectations and don't put yourself in a position to be  shut out, then detachment comes.  You have to do what is best for you in your situation. 

Tsunami, Your h hasn't vanished, he is there checking in when he mows the grass or communicates with you about the house or repairs.  He is just not ready to give you what you want or need right now.  Give him time and space.  I know it is hard but even though his contact is small, he gives you a clue where he is emotionally. 

Pray for emotional detachment, lower your expectations and reduce the risk of being shut out  by limiting contact.  You know all of this, you are one smart lady.  You are doing great and you can do this.   
Just breathe, focus, breathe somemore and pray...


Hugs and love to you,
Storm




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