[superdog]

Unfortunately most of this site consists of physical affairs, but just wanted to ask opinions on EA's. My h definitely is involved in one of those, don't know whether it has gone PA.
His sttraction for me there has never wained and he's not highly charged in that way anyway.

Anyway- is the infatuation the same? Do they profess love to each other? Is this the ultimate fantasy affair because reality never sets in? Are more stay at homes involved in these?

I am just interested in the dynamic of this compared to a full blown sexual affair.

Just looking for thoughts or experiences of others.

Sd
X

[LoveMeMyself]

Superdog,

    I really don't think I can answer this for you but I will share what my exH experienced.  He had started a new job after retiring from a department head position (being pretty much his own boss).  He took a lesser position job with less responsibility.  I warned him about how hard it is to go from such a job to another.  I myself had retired a few years before and went through a rough transition to my new job.  I believe it was much harder for my exH.  Anyway, his EA started with a female (single) co-worker in his new office.  I guess she was all about trying to hook him........and she did.  I don't know how long the EA was but he had only been working for 6 months at the new job when all of this came out.  I discovered through cell phone records that they were texting each other a few times in August and September of 2009 but by October 2009 it was full blown!  I'm talking 24/7 texting........thousands of them........and they worked in the same office!  It didn't go PA until he left me which was in December. I believe he felt "relieved" of his duties as my husband at that point therefore he was free to entertain his new love.  It only lasted a few months.........once the truth was exposed, she quit her job and he was under so much stress he ended their affair.......but picked up his second OW very fast.......it also fizzled out quick.  Maybe 3 months each.......or 4 at the most.  I know this doesn't help you much but I'd say part of the EA is the thrill/excitement of the secret.  It boost their ego's and gives them a feeling of the "high" they are searching.......or what they think they are searching.

[Finding Hope]

I too would be interested in comments about this.............

FH

[hobo1]

My exH also had an EA with a man from the gym.  I suppose it is described more as a school girl crush.  Someone who paid attention and perhaps someone just to talk to who flirted.  There were not much communication except perhaps while at the gym.  there were phone calls over a period of 3 months, but they were sporadic.  Calls usually immediately after I would leave for work.

She still contends she never cheated on me.  When I call the OM, he said my ex told him we were separated...  I did move out for a week immediately after BD.

EA is just as strong, if not stronger than a PA.  Infatuation and the replaying of what can possibly happen is intoxicating.  I believe more so for women.

I believe men can have a PA without emotional attachment, but women may find it more difficult,....  I know I am just generalizing.

[Ready2Transform]

My H's PA was an EA for a very long time.  They're still a long distance relationship, so really it's the obsessive texting and phoning that solidifies their bond far more than the physical stuff.  It made her his "best friend" above me.  I think they have professed "love" for each other (gag) and they have created a little make believe future world that I think constantly keeps the game going toward their proverbial "new life" - even though none of it makes sense.  I think having her feeding that has spiraled him deeper into mental illness, because she validates things that someone like me or a family member may point out is unrealistic.

Exposure definitely throws water on the fire, and even my once stand-up H tried to downplay that since there wasn't "that much sex" by the time they were caught, it didn't really count as an affair.  So EA's seem to live in the MLC'ers gray area. 

The physical stuff is what we're prepared to deal with as spouses, I think.  The EA stuff is so high school and weird...it's its own animal.

[superdog]

I think about the whole EA thing as one massive fantasy land. You can say what you like about yourself to someone on txt or email or phone and there is no body language feedback. After all that is where the majority of our communication comes from.

My H said something along the way about how he was unable to have an emotional connection with anyone. During a self pity moment.I sometimes wonder if he got scared in this EA aswell when she got too close. She is relatively safe being married herself and could be kept at his famous "arms length" and taken out of his compartmentalized box whenever he felt like it. If he had gone full  on PA he couldn't have done that.

My H is the full on classic low energy wallower, with major depressive periods, lots of withdrawal time. I fail to see what woman would want to listen constantly to the dull, depressive conversation of this man. 3 years later and he must have exhausted all about him.

I know that breaking up is hard to do and all that, but the EA must be a toughy as it becomes a huge habit aswell. Plus they end up with them as their only best friend once they withdraw from everyone else. My H only has about 3 numbers left on his phone ! Where would be the motivation to end an EA.

Just thinking out loud.
SD
x

[Keepthefaith22]

I can relate to this topic. My H had an EA with a former subordinate who worked for him who lived in a different state for 3 1/2 yrs and this was prior to BD.  He didn't see it as an affair. He was in so much denial. They were "just friends" and he could not see how this impacted our marriage. Of course it was all hidden and I was devastated when I found out. Looking back this was the start of the MLC I believe with BD about 16 months after this was discovered.  My H is notorious for phone/text relationships with the females who work for him. I believe since BD he has had at least 3. I don't know if they become PA or not.  He just doesn't see these as harmful and I honestly think he is addicted to the affirmation and adoration of these women.  They all work or worked for him so he was in a one up position always.

I think they are hurtful because for me I thought he was my best friend and vice versa.  He gives emotional energy to these women while he withdrew further and further away. In his mind though this is not infidelity unless he sleeps with them. So frustrating, but part of the MLC I believe as they are great compartmentalizers, at least mine is.

[onedayatatime]

Hi,

My exh was having an EA with his coworker, who was married over twenty years with two kids, teenager and twenty something. They both fed eachother until it was revealed...not sure what happened after he left, other than she is still married.

Keepthefaith22, I can relate to what you wrote about your h.  He needed the ego stroke by other women, but do not think it ever became PA...think as long as it was  "just" emotional, in his mind did not "count" as an affair.  Knew I was in trouble when we were at a work related function and the way he acted with her was "different"... more familiar, plus she had him whipped.  Very upsetting to witness.  It got to the point towards the end where I  felt like if I wanted something done by him I should ask her to ask for me then he would have done it immediately with a smile on his face. 

Funny part was I was his biggest fan and supporter.  Thanked him for his hard work, told him he looked great, smelled great, how much I loved and appreciated him, but he still craved more...like a bottomless pit.

ODAAT

     

[Anjae]

My husbands’ PA with OW1 started with a EA that lasted for months. She lived many miles away from us. They would exchange correspondence, text, phone each other (all behind my back). It was all very lovely, very fantasy but the in-fatuation was sky high.

OW1 always remained living many miles away when it become physical. They would only saw each other on weekend (and sometimes not every weekend) and when on vacations.

My husband never lost sexual interest in me, not even after he had left and was involved in a PA with OW1. I was the one who put an end to sexual contact with him.

Would say if an affair never moves to PA it will always remain very rosy, very sweet, very school crush like Hobo said.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

My w has been in an ea for a long time. She is very attached to the om and declared him the "love of her life" and he could "read her mind." It was crazy. I think she is done with him, but only time will tell. It is a very powerful addiction and the long distance romance makes it only stronger. I think the ea is just as hard on the LBSer as the physical affair.

I know it broke my heart when she told me that "don't I deserve to die looking into the eyes I love." and she was not referring to me.