[Stronger]

Has anyone reconciled with an  H who  has recognized how their drinking has impacted the marriage?
My H has never been able to control his drinking and was drinking more and more pre-BD.He made half hearted attempt to quit on his own has even admitted to only me he has a problem although his family and others recognize it we know there is nothing we can do about.

I feel this is the issue that would prevent him from ever trying to reconcile with me.But I still have hope and pray for a miracle .

RCR edited to change topic icon.

[OldPilot]

Yes I know people that have done that.

Met one of my classmates this weekend who was separated from her husband because of this.
He is in AA now and they are still together.

[Stronger]

Thank you OP that gives me hope,in what I feel is a hopelss situation. OW is old flame from 30yrs ago and let's him drink and do whatever he wants and I think she too is in MLC

[LoveMeMyself]

Hi, Stronger.  I can add a little to this but not sure if it matters or if it will help.  My exH and I both had previous marriages.  He divorced her after discovering an ongoing affair she had......just 4 years after their marriage........which continued on for the next 7 or 8 years behind his back.  Anyway, SHE didn't allow him to drink.......not socially or otherwise.  Both her parents were alcoholics and died from their abusive drinking.  Once my exH divorced her he started living the life he wanted.  I am not a drinker but I didn't see any harm in him having a few beers and/or other alcoholic beverage of his choice.  That is until I began to see it getting out of hand.  It was about two years prior to BD.  I had noticed a considerable increase the closer it was to BD (hindsight).  He admitted later that his drinking was due to depression (which we all know drinking increases depression).  He realized he had a problem but didn't want to stop.  After BD and after he left.........the drinking got noticeably worse.  Then he hit rock bottom after losing his job.........attempted suicide (soon to be one year ago).  He told me he had to stop the drinking.  He knew it was a serious problem.  I can only assume he no longer drinks like he did but I don't know for a fact.  He has claimed that his father had a drinking problem and he has turned out to be just like him.  His father is deceased as is his mother.  His father left them and married the OW when my exH was about 16 years old.  I'm sure this had a major effect on my exH. Probably still struggles with issues he never dealt with. 

[Stronger]

Thank you Lovemyman,
My H always drank and I enabled since day 1 ,could never drink just a few "only drank to get drunk" I use to have fun with him until MlC and the irritable man syndrome Then first BD and affair blamed it on the drinking and didn't think I loved him.I fell for it pretzeled new nothing of MLC .He said at that time it would be easier to give of OW than drinking.Then 2nd BD a year later,never really quit was hiding it he got drunk and called OW,moved into room then begged to come home went to counseling once I still needed time and wouldn't let him come .He then signed a lease for apt .and went running to OW. And here I am 8 months later. He's still drinking and its affected his health until something bad happens I'm afraid he will never come out of this...I know this sounds strange but thru the years I have thought if he ever had an affair it would be over or he would decide to quite drinking.Its almost like had this vision and that on our 30 wedding anniversary in 3yrs we would be on a cruise with our family and he would not be drinking and our marriage would be great and we would refer to these years as "the dark years". I hope and pray my vision comes true and that it is gods plan.

[LoveMeMyself]

Thanks for sharing, Stronger.  I can honestly say.......I have thoughts of my own "vision" as well.  I wonder if it's hurting ourselves to have these "visions".  Maybe it's just all part of our hopes and dreams.  I didn't say it..........but when all of this first happened to me (Oct. 09) I felt as if I had "enabled" my exH's drinking........by not being more forceful/controlling or demanding.  But.......I knew that was the type of marriage he had before me and I didn't want to duplicate it.  I honestly didn't have a problem with him drinking once in a while.........or even a beer a night.  But it started getting out of hand and I calmly discussed it with him twice.  I had noticed a pattern forming and it was troubling to me.  He responded to our talk and backed off the drinking but it only lasted a week or two.  Then, of course, all the crap came out.  I just hope and pray for my ex's sake that he has stopped the drinking........at least the heavy stuff.  it was as if he was on a mission to harm himself.  For me, it is so hard loving and caring for someone who can't or doesn't even care for themselves.  I feel helpless.

[Keepthefaith22]

My .02 :  My H has been involved with recovery since I met him. I assume he still is as a friend of friend tells me he still attends his group every week. But who knows with MLC. Anyway people do and can get sober, there is hope. I would strongly suggest attending Al-Anon if you have it in your community/country. You will learn all about yourself and the three Cs, we didn't cause it, can't control it, and we can't cure it.  Also about detachment much like what is discussed her in regards to MLC.

 Alcoholism is a separate problem from MLC but I do think it contributes even with recovery to it. The unfinished business from my H's past and his arrested development I think factor large in my H's MLC.  But there is help if the drinker wants it, the thing is denial is huge (just like MLC) they are the last to think they have a problem.

[Moving Forward]

There is a very good book called Silent Sons by Richard Ackerman (I think from memory) - it shines a light into the impact of alcohol/dysfunction/emotional unavailability on sons (our H's as men).

Fascinating.

Get support for you - to understand the issue and how you can survive it in a healthy way - the AlAnon suggestion is a very good one and would give you an insight.

[LettingGo]

My husband is an alcoholic. With Alcoholism plus MLC, it is a bit of "Which came first, the issues (which cause MLC) or the alcoholism, since alcohol abuse is usually an attempt to self medicate and run from PAIN. There are parallels in how alcoholics and MLCer behave..... my family believes my husband's behavior is the result of alcoholism and only pays lip service to my insistence that he is in MLC as well.

The drinking got WAY worse with the onset of the MLC.... BUT, alcoholism is a progressive disease, and will always only get WORSE... so.... which came first? I have HIGH hopes that the issues that created the self medicating with alcohol and other substances are coming to a head via MLC and will subside once the issues are DEALT WITH. Hope... no expectation, because that would be CRAZY, LOL!!

FWIW, I once asked my husband if ow drank as much as he did FULLY EXPECTING him to tell me she didn't drink... WELL, he told me he thinks she drinks MORE THAN HIM!!! He told me sometimes she "forces" drinks on him... I think she gets up super early in the morning for her job (he says she goes to bed at 8:30... so I'm speculating based on the line of work she is in) and he says she will make him a cocktail... says he doesn't even want it, but he drinks it to make her happy!!!

Now, a friend of mine from AlAnon told me he would bet a million dollars that the two of them were DRINKING BUDDIES..... I have heard time after time on this forum that ow enables the MLCer to do whatever they want.... she "poor babies" him and finds ways to enable him to stay WEAK.... thus, the emotional bond..... she is the "mommy" he can't leave..... she "accepts" him...

[Phoenix]

Now, a friend of mine from AlAnon told me he would bet a million dollars that the two of them were DRINKING BUDDIES..... I have heard time after time on this forum that ow enables the MLCer to do whatever they want.... she "poor babies" him and finds ways to enable him to stay WEAK.... thus, the emotional bond..... she is the "mommy" he can't leave..... she "accepts" him...

Yep. Same here. H is the child of two alcoholics, so he chose not to drink after he realized he was developing a problem in college. Then 22 years into our relationship and about two years pre BD, he began to have a beer or two when we were at parties. When D and I asked him about this change in behavior, he was defensive (red flag) and said obviously he didn't have a problem or he wouldn't have been dry for all those years. I asked him if he understood what a dry drunk was? Double defensive. Then he began having an occasional beer at home, then a beer a night, then a couple beers a night. At BD, he went full out with all kinds of things including his alcohol consumption. The trunk of his car would be filled with empty bottles after a night with OW and there were many charges for liquor stores and bars.  That behavior continues. What's particularly scary is that OW, being a longtime "friend," knew of H's past with alcohol and his reasons not to drink, but she was more than happy enable him down this slippery slope (into pornography as well) and to participate in both of these "medications"/"addictions" to get what she wanted.

Phoenix