[Left behind children at BD - are they girls, boys or a mix of both? What ages? Is there any pattern to this? Any correlation between Sex of MLCer and Sex of LBChildren.]

Left behind children at BD - are they girls, boys or a mix of both?  What ages?  Is there any pattern to this? Any correlation between Sex of MLCer and Sex of LBChildren.

Boys

12 (6.2%)

Girls

15 (7.7%)

Both boys and girls

20 (10.3%)

Sex of MLCer - Male

35 (18%)

Sex of MLCer - Female

6 (3.1%)

Age of children - preschooler

2 (1%)

Age of children - 5 - 12yrs

15 (7.7%)

Age of children - Teenagers

30 (15.5%)

Age of children - 20 yrs and older

17 (8.8%)

Is the gender of the MLCer the same as the gender of ALL the left behind children? YES

12 (6.2%)

Is the gender of the MLCer the same as the gender of ALL the left behind children? NO

30 (15.5%)

Total Members Voted: 47

[Mermaid]

There can be many reasons, not just testosterone. I notice here that there are more teens than children of other ages.

My H started reacting to his teenage daughters going out, getting boyfriends, not doing what he thought they should be doing (reading, studying and being perfectionist like him). It was part of his inner conflict, but not all of it, that his children weren't becoming like him. OW was;

[HeyJude]

I think my H was 'setting the scene' , even sub consciously, to leave when youngest was 18 (or near..son now 20 older son 22)...possibly before, but somehow, turning 18 was a better number ..they were older and could handle it better.. which of course wasn't the case..he came to realise that to a certain extent about 18 months later..he might be getting some things on some distant deep level but it doesn't translate into doing anything about it... he's still as self absorbed...the journey continues..

[kikki]

I too thought that our eldest son locking 'horns' with his Dad was a huge catalyst in all of this.  About six months ago (2 years post BD), it finally seemed to settle down, and they seem to be easing back into a much easier relationship again. 

I always wondered if he could just walk away so easily if he had three teen daughters looking at him.  I guess the depths of what he is now capable of still shocks me, so I guess if they had been girls then he still would have done this. 

Yes, the volume of teens and young adults here is interesting, and doesn't seem to be a coincidence.

[honour]

so I guess if they had been girls then he still would have done this. 

Yes, I think he still would have done it. Whatever it is that afflicts them would appear to be pretty much an unstoppable force. The age and gender of the children may not have much of a bearing but then you never know. Until we ask the questions and examine the data we are just guessing.

At BD my daughter was twenty and my son was eighteen. Mother and daughter have not seen each other for coming up two years.

At my son's eighteenth birthday party someone said to W, "you wish you were eighteen don't you W?" To which W replied with some gusto, "I do, I really, really do!". I have it on video. In the light of what was to unfold later in the year it's quite chilling to watch. After BD I worked out that three days before she made that statement she had committed adultery for the first time. Amazing.

After BD, twenty-seven years married and forty-seven year old W was saying to twenty year old daughter, "you've had relationships, so you must understand."

I think my W is trapped in a regressed age somewhere between seventeen and twenty years old.

honour

[NoRegrets]

I think RCR does talk about the teen years being a stimulus. Don't have time to look it up right now, but I think I just read it.

I think my xH looked at our boys and thought, "What about me? I never had such a secure and carefree life!" He also envied the way I pet the boys as we watched TV.

He was looking for his mommy.

I wanted to be a wife and a lover, not a mommy. I wanted a man I could look up to and admire--someone to match, not someone to mother.

Ick.

[trusting]

If MLC is rooted in childhood issues then I think the gender and age of the LBS children is not going to be a causation of an MLC.  It is going to happen no matter who or how old their kids are.  Mine are younger than teens, and were quite young when H started his MLC so I don't think that contributed anything in my case.  My MLCer just happens to be on the younger end of the age spectrum typical for MLC and so our kids are younger. 

I do see that an MLCer might be "jealous" of their teen/young adult children in the way they are young, can live without much responsibility, and have their whole lives ahead of them.  My H certainly acts like a teenager often.   

[In this for ME]

The rate of it being MLC and having teenagers is no coincidence...I know I waited until 32 to have the first child and 36 to have the second.

I know exh has lamented he wishes they still were little- not babies - but littler then he could still "wow" them with this or that.
I on the other hand am happy they are as old as they are. I can have a relationship with them..they can think and reason, have a sense of humor, and add to an outlook or conversation; to me, they are much more fun than when they were little.

[kikki]

InThis

I know exh has lamented he wishes they still were little- not babies - but littler then he could still "wow" them with this or that.

My H has said similar things, although I haven't heard this so much recently.
He does seem to still be in a time-warp though.  Treats the boys as if they are at least three years younger than they are - he's pretty much missed out on three years of parenting - so he seems to think of them as being more like 11, 13 and 14. (on a good day). 

In the early days, he kept saying it was okay for him to leave because it 'wasn't like the boys were little any more or anything!' ( Huh)

I personally don't think that teens are a cause - but maybe more like a trigger for the MLCers.  For the males - it seems having teen sons or teen boyfriends (of their daughters) hanging around gets them thinking and yearning to live that time again. 

[Anjae]

Don’t think children, teens or not, are a cause in itself. They may be one more trigger but that’s it. If children were a cause people with no children would not have a MLC. They do. And so do childless, single people.

It never ceases to amaze me, even if I know MLCers do it, how their sense of time is twisted. How they don’t get that time is passing by and how much of it.

Not even when they have kids and see them grow can they get time is passing them by.

[theheartknows]

I cannot believe that the presence of a fertile/virile young adult would not have some energetic, possibly physiological affect on the dominant male or female in a household.  After all, we are part of the animal kingdom!! But my guess is that the reason for correlation between teenage and adult children and MLC of parent has to do with the parent's age and the psychological and  hormonal changes that accompany that age. Most people who have children, have older children at midlife.