[TrustingMyHP]

I read Munson's book not long after it came out, in the fall of 2009.  I'd read a review in The Washington Post that sounded interesting and I remember going right out to buy it.  I also remember noticing that I didn't normally do that after reading a positive review and wondering why i was so interested in reading this book.

Although I didn't know it consciously, and wouldn't for another 14 months, my H was already sleeping with OW at the time(!)  He was about 8 months into his affair by then.

That's interesting, isn't it?  I read it 14 months before BD.  I now suspect that, on an unconscious level, I must have suspected something wasn't right. . .

I remember being impressed by Munson's "certainty" about her marriage and her willingness to stick it out through what, when I read it, seemed to me to be big, big challenges.

Hah! As RCR says above, Munson had a cake walk compared to the mildest story we've got here.  As I remember, her H was only gone for a few months (4 maybe?)  I wasn't certain when I'd finished the book whether or not there had been an OW.  Munson seemed to be somewhat cagey about that issue.  She stated early in the story that she decided she wasn't going to go there, or something to that effect, and she didn't bring it up again.  If there was an OW, her H wasn't flagrant about it.

I thought the book quite interesting at the time.  Today I think I'd consider it very light weight.  I liked that Munson was sticking up for the commitment of marriage, something rare enough in any kind of literature today be it fiction or nonfiction.  I think I even told my H how much I liked the book at the time!  God how he must have blanched inside.

A real MLC "true life" book needs to be written.  One that chronicles the 3, 4, 5 year stories.  One that describes the baiting, monstering, flagrant infidelity, history rewriting, abandonment of children, insanity, personality changes, cruelties, etc. of the average MLCer from a personal point of view, "this is my story" as Munson did.

I think one of the reasons Munson book was popular was that it was a first person account.  It was not a self-help or "How I Survived My Husband's MLC, And You Can Too" sort of thing.  She didn't give advice, as I recall.  She simply presented it as "this is what happened to me and how I handled it."

RCR, we're waiting for your publication date!

TMHP

[trusting]

I read the article (but not the book) not long after BD for me.  It sure made me hopeful that my H would "snap out of it" quickly since he was still in the house, etc.  Ha!

I also tend to think MLT rather than MLC.  It just wasn't long enough or severe enough. 

[FIRECRACKER]

I too read the book for guidance before i found this site. I feel that if more people were aware of the reality of MLC  in the way most of us are experiencing  it would help. her book gives false hope.

[calamity]

I read this book just after h left.  The huge difference was that Munson's h did not have an OW.  She did do all the right things but the situation was far less serious--it seemed like a transition rather than a crisis.  I think she stated early on that she gave him 6 months--my h was already 6 months into replay so I knew it wasn't MY story.

[Ready2Transform]

I think she stated early on that she gave him 6 months--my h was already 6 months into replay so I knew it wasn't MY story.

The idea that anyone external would set a timeline for someone else's crisis or transition seems absurd now, even to those of us who are recovering control freaks I'm sure.  There's no way it could be a real crisis if those sort of limits actually worked.  I think in reality, Monster would laugh in our faces if we did that!

[Anjae]

I think she stated early on that she gave him 6 months--my h was already 6 months into replay so I knew it wasn't MY story.

The idea that anyone external would set a timeline for someone else's crisis or transition seems absurd now, even to those of us who are recovering control freaks I'm sure.  There's no way it could be a real crisis if those sort of limits actually worked.  I think in reality, Monster would laugh in our faces if we did that!

yep, really absurd. It worked for her but I think it was a MIL. And a very mild one. Monster would have not listened to any timeline we would give them.

Trusting, I not sure I would want to read a book about real MLC. I find it enought to go through one. But maybe people who have not had to deal with one (no yet, at least) may find it useful. But I confess if I had read a book about real MLC before husband's one I would had run to a lawyer right after BD and moved on.

[Rollercoasterider]

A real MLC "true life" book needs to be written.  One that chronicles the 3, 4, 5 year stories.  One that describes the baiting, monstering, flagrant infidelity, history rewriting, abandonment of children, insanity, personality changes, cruelties, etc. of the average MLCer from a personal point of view, "this is my story" as Munson did.
RCR, we're waiting for your publication date!

But my book is not a memoir about my story, it is prescriptive non-fiction; that's self-help. At its present length I cannot fit anything more into it. I have 3 chapters I will likely be asked to cut and after that most agents want me to cut 10K more words. Some people feel I need to add some pieces of my story--perhaps in sidebars or chatper-end vignettes. So I am busy preparing those, but at this point I can't fit them--I'll need a lot of help from an editor to do that.
My book describes all those tings--the baiting, Monstering, infidelity, rewriting... but it does so in a clinical way.

I think she stated early on that she gave him 6 months.

Yes, she did. Of course had it gone on longer and escalated she may have changed her mind about that limitation--many here start that way. But in her original essay or book she did not learn and thus gave no advice about such a limitation being a bad idea. Her essay was controversial and yet she was in-line with most peoples idea of what a person should do--it's just that those people bashing her weren't in it and so it looked bad to them.

[Anjae]

She may have not changed her mind about that limitation. Most people idea of what a person should do is the logical one. Even if we know about MLC, it stills be the logical thing to do. Logical does not mean the right one or the one we have to do. But, frankly, how many people can afford to deal with a MLC spouse? How many are willing to? Very few.

Human life length is not compatible with the length of MLC. 7 years is, for many, a tenth of their lives. Discount the childhood and adolescence years and you have 20 years reduced to those 70 years. Add to the remaining 50, 7 or so of MLC, and you end up with a good portion of your adult life taken by MLC. Insane.

I, for once, have been married and together for 10 years and have been married without a husband or marriage for 6 years. It is insane.

It makes much more sense to get divorced. Then, one will see whatever comes, former spouse back, another spouse, remain single. Remaining married to an MLCer is not always the better option to save the marriage.

Even if one trust the process one has to accept that is takes too long. And that, too long may, in fact, be too long.

[Trustandlove]

It may not make more sense for everyone to get divorced; that is where each of our situations is so individual.  So many factors are part; length of marriage and length of time since BD are only a small part of it.  And when I talk about not getting divorced as the sensible option I don't mean just in terms of saving the marriage; there may well be other, perhaps financial, perhaps other, factors to take into considerations as well.  That's another reason it's so hard, because it's often so complicated as well. 

And some of those factors may even be conflicting, making it all harder still.  It's like what RCR writes about separating out monster and non-monster, sometimes you can't even tell.

That's why this is the hardest thing we'll ever do.

[calamity]

Yes T&L, if i do a cost/benefit analysis of my marriage it = standing.  Not just financially but in every way.  Not sure what time limit would change that.