[underpressure]

I found this article to be EXTREMELY helpful. I see very strong correlations between these stages outlined in Melton's article and the communications between my H and the OW in just a short span of time, even.

How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves

Article: Adapted from Romeo's Bleeding by Roger Melton, M.A.

Regardless of how a person with Borderline Personality Disorder alters and tailor her appearance and actions to please others, she often presents with a clear and characteristic personality pattern over time. This pattern usually evolves through three stages: The Vulnerable Seducer, The Clinger, and The Hater. This evolution may take months, and sometimes even years to cycle through. In the later periods, the personality often swings wildly back and forth from one phase to the next.

Love: The Vulnerable Seducer Phase
At first, a Borderline female may appear sweet, shy, vulnerable and "ambivalently in need of being rescued"; looking for her Knight in Shining Armor.

In the beginning, you will feel a rapidly accelerating sense of compassion because she is a master at portraying herself as she "victim of love" and you are saving her. But listen closely to how she sees herself as a victim. As her peculiar emotional invasion advances upon you, you will hear how no one understands her - except you. Other people have been "insensitive." She has been betrayed, just when she starts trusting people. But there is something "special" about you, because "you really seem to know her."

It is this intense way she has of bearing down on you emotionally that can feel very seductive. You will feel elevated, adored, idealized - almost worshiped, maybe even to the level of being uncomfortable. And you will feel that way quickly. It may seem like a great deal has happened between the two of you in a short period of time, because conversation is intense, her attention, and her eyes are so deeply focused on you.

Here is a woman who may look like a dream come true. She not only seems to make you the center of her attention, but she even craves listening to your opinions, thoughts and ideas. It will seem like you have really found your heart's desire.

Like many things that seems too good to be true, this is. This is borderline personality disorder.

It will all seem so real because it is real in her mind. But what is in her mind it is not what you perceive to be happening.


Love: The Clinger Phase

Once she has successfully candied her hook with your adoration, she will weld it into place by “reeling in” your attention and concern. Her intense interest in you will subtly transform over time. She still appears to be interested in you, but no longer in what you are interested in. Her interest becomes your exclusive interest in her. This is when you start to notice “something”. Your thoughts, feelings and ideas fascinate her, but more so when they focus on her. You can tell when this happens because you can feel her "perk-up" emotionally whenever your attention focuses upon her feelings and issues. Those moments can emotionally hook your compassion more deeply into her, because that is when she will treat you well - tenderly.

It’s often here, you begin to confuse your empathy with love, and you believe you're in love with her. Especially if your instinct is strong and rescuing is at the heart of your "code." Following that code results in the most common excuse I hear as a therapist, as to why many men stay with borderline women, ".... But I love her!" Adult love is built on mutual interest, care and respect - not on one-way emotional rescues. And mothering is for kids. Not grown men.
But, if like King Priam, you do fall prey to this Trojan Horse and let her inside your city gates, the first Berserker to leave the horse will be the devious Clinger. A master at strengthening her control through empathy, she is brilliant at eliciting sympathy and identifying those most likely to provide it-like the steady-tempered and tenderhearted.

The world ails her. Physical complaints are common. Her back hurts. Her head aches. Peculiar pains of all sorts come and go like invisible, malignant companions. If you track their appearance, though, you may see a pattern of occurrence connected to the waning or waxing of your attentions. Her complaints are ways of saying, "don't leave me. Save me!" And Her maladies are not simply physical. Her feelings ail her too.

She is depressed or anxious, detached and indifferent or vulnerable and hypersensitive. She can swing from elated agitation to mournful gloom at the blink of an eye. Watching the erratic changes in her moods is like tracking the needle on a Richter-scale chart at the site of an active volcano, and you never know which flick of the needle will predict the big explosion.
But after every emotional Vesuvius she pleads for your mercy. And if she has imbedded her guilt-hooks deep enough into your conscientious nature, you will stay around and continue tracking this volcanic earthquake, caught in the illusion that you can discover how to stop Vesuvius before she blows again. But, in reality, staying around this cauldron of emotional unpredictability is pointless. Every effort to understand or help this type of woman is an excruciatingly pointless exercise in emotional rescue.

It is like you are a Coast Guard cutter and she is a drowning woman. But she drowns in a peculiar way. Every time you pull her out of the turbulent sea, feed her warm tea and biscuits, wrap her in a comfy blanket and tell her everything is okay, she suddenly jumps overboard and starts pleading for help again. And, no matter how many times you rush to the emotional - rescue, she still keeps jumping back into trouble. It is this repeating, endlessly frustrating pattern which should confirm to you that you are involved with a Borderline Personality Disorder. No matter how effective you are at helping her, nothing is ever enough. No physical, financial or emotional assistance ever seems to make any lasting difference. It's like pouring the best of your self into a galactic-sized Psychological Black Hole of bottomless emotional hunger. And if you keep pouring it in long enough, one-day you'll fall right down that hole yourself. There will be nothing left of you but your own shadow, just as it falls through her predatory "event horizon." But before that happens, other signs will reveal her true colors.

Sex will be incredible. She will be instinctually tuned in to reading your needs. It will seem wonderful - for a while.

The intensity of her erotic passion can sweep you away, but her motive is double-edged. One side of it comes from the instinctually built-in, turbulent emotionality of her disorder. Intensity is her trump-card.

But the other side of her is driven by an equally instinctually and concentrated need to control you. The sexual experiences, while imposing, are motivated from a desire to dominate you, not please you. Her erotic intensity will be there in a cunning way tailored so you will not readily perceive it.

“I love you” means – “I need you to love me”. “That was the best ever for me” means – tell me “it was the best ever for you”. Show me that I have you.


Love: The Hater Phase
Once a Borderline Controller has succeeded and is in control, the Hater appears. This hateful part of her may have emerged before, but you probably will not see it in full, acidic bloom until she feels she has achieved a firm hold on your conscience and compassion. But when that part makes it's first appearance, rage is how it breaks into your life.

What gives this rage its characteristically borderline flavor is that it is very difficult for someone witnessing it to know what triggered it in reality. But that is its primary identifying clue: the actual rage-trigger is difficult for you to see. But in the Borderline's mind it always seems to be very clear. To her, there is always a cause. And the cause is always you. Whether it is the tone of your voice, how you think, how you feel, dress, move or breathe - or "the way you're looking at me," - she will always justify her rage by blaming you for "having to hurt her."

Rage reactions are also unpredictable and unexpected. They happen when you least expect it. And they can become extremely dangerous. It all serves to break you down over time. Your self esteem melts away. You change and alter your behavior in hopes of returning to the “Clinger Stage”. And periodically you will, but only to cycle back to the hater when you least expect it, possibly on her birthday, or your anniversary.

Borderline Personality Disorder is a serious mental illness.


Roger Melton is a psychotherapist, teacher and writer in Los Angeles, California. For over twenty years, he has been a leading authority on the psychological impact of violence, dealing with exploitive-type men or women and managing the dangers of high-stress careers and occupations. He has frequently appeared on television and radio, including appearances on 20/20 and PBS. As part of opening relations with the Soviet Union in 1989, he participated in mutual training programs at Moscow University.

[Ready2Transform]

Thank you for posting this!  It fits my H's OW perfectly.  I often wondered if she was in MLC too due to perimenopause (she'd had a hysterectomy right before the EA started), but she had come on to him prior to that and he'd turned her down, was almost freaked out by her attention.  I'm leaning more toward BPD...which is a good thing, because it's playing out pretty predictably!

[Sassyone]

I let my H read this and he says that he can now see that his ex-OW fit this profile to a "T".  The scary thing is my S24 is now dealing with his first real "love" relationship with someone who is like this as well.  Argh, very scary indeed.

Hugs,

Sassy

[Strong girl]

Holy Moley!!

This is so right on!!!

[calamity]

my h's soulmate fits 1st paragraph.  We'll see about the rest in time.

PS --I took on-line test b/c I always fit ALL diagnoses*  & I have 'moderate' chance of being 'dependant personality'--probably from questions re:  fear of abandonment 

*In case anyone has the same experience, a doctor told me medical students frequently show the symptoms of their study topics

[Ready2Transform]

my h's soulmate fits 1st paragraph.  We'll see about the rest in time.

For the longest time, that's all I saw too.  But the last 6 months things have progressed in a way I never would have predicted, and hindsight has shown me I actually sugarcoated a lot of how I was viewing their R because I never would have expected my H to go for someone like her.  Get your popcorn, girl!

[underpressure]

RCR's article "Affairs and Midlife Crisis; Personality Disorders" is an excellent read that inspired me to find out more about BPD. The question we ask is "what kind of woman would go for a married man, a broken married man in crisis?" and the answer is pretty much someone with a Personality Disorder. Add to the mix that the MLCer can also have PD of varying degrees or types...I know my H does, and his mother is severely Narcissistic.

I have heard him make implications that I have BPD, but the more I read, the more I am sure it's his projection. He is strongly attracted to BPD in women, and has been for some time. Tension in our marriage results from my NOT fitting BPD. Although that could be changing as he is asking for me to be more independant (that also could be so he can abandon me and move on to the next OW).

I do get that idea of Medical Students showing symptoms of what they are studying though, but this article helps sort it out more. Yes, people can fear abandonment without having a disorder. Fearing abandonment when you are being abandoned is a sign of health, I tend to think.

[kikki]

The question we ask is "what kind of woman would go for a married man, a broken married man in crisis?" and the answer is pretty much someone with a Personality Disorder.

Thanks so much for posting this UP. 
I asked myself this question for a very very long time.  How could anybody find my out of control H appealing?  Who would be attracted to a married man abandoning his wife and kids?  How can people do this?

I'm convinced my H's OW is also BPD.  And very probably the subcategory of B Waif.

http://gettinbetter.com/waif.html

[TrustingMyHP]

This was a depressing read for me because I could see myself as a BPD type.

I think if my H read this he'd say, "Yup, that's TMHP."  And, I have to admit, I do fit the profile to an uncomfortable degree.

Don't know enough about H's OW to be able to make an assessment about her, just that she very much needed rescuing (abusive H and serious physical illness.)

Depressing.

TMHP

[underpressure]

Trusting,
Its so hard for me to detach. Ive lost years of what could have been a productive life. Let go let god has meaning for me finally. You are in a safe place.

(((((hugs)))))

[Butterfly]

This article totally describes my h's OW. I am seeing lots of the third stage in her now. When she goes too far. She goes back to stage one to reel him back  in.
First stage was a solid year. Then 6-8 months of clinging . Now more hatefulness and going out without him. So interesting.

Butterfly

[RainbowGal]

 I actually shared this article with my W during her last return.She herself was blown away by how accurately it described her OW and their relationship.

 They never quite got to the later cycles though,as OW has never quite felt secure enough with "owning" my W to let her mask slip fully off for extended periods.

 Bizarre that an MLC'er coming out of the fog can see her adultery partner in such a clear light but then the fog comes back and they happily return to the madness making.

[underpressure]

Yes, I find it strange... I "poked" my H by asking him what he knew about BPD. Some of the things he mentioned corresponded to some of OW's behaviors. This was at 1 1/2 months of their relationship. All I know is what leaked through into the trash of his email account and didn't get deleted, plus the text messages that he exported himself onto his computer. He made it fairly easy for me actually. But just from the email alone there were lines about how much she hated him (sort of meant to be flirtatious).  Something in the end betrayed her, though, as he mentioned her behavior at a bakery as being loud or something. This is a bakery he takes his son to. I can imagine her behavior being rather embarrassing to him especially if she started to get controlling or to mouth off. Apparently she gets in trouble with the nuns at the catholic school for using "f--k" every other word. Lovely. WHO does that? What MOTHER does that? With NUNS? Whatever.

I am certain she is a strong candidate for BPD. But then again, maybe I let myself be led into that roll too...mostly with roll-playing on our dates. And then I feel rotten afterward. So the real question of interest to me is WHY are our H's and W's ATTRACTED to BPD people? Because this is something going on in them, too? Ack. I have to re-read the article.

[underpressure]

I am hearing a lot of peculiar things from my clinging boomerang H these days.
He seems to be describing me, or purports to be, at least, but I don't recognize the person he is describing. This also happened when he was at home but more often it was obviously him projecting his own feelings onto me in a particularly abusive way. Now it feels like he is projecting his feelings toward OW onto me.

And that must be why I keep seeing her when I look in the mirror during yoga...I don't want to identify with her, but I am because he is identifying me with her, and perhaps picked her out because she looked like me.

I asked my analyst to comment at length on the possibility that I had BPD and his conclusion was "no". I have never been accused of having it unless it was at the very beginning of our relationship (just after his relationship with the other BPD) or recently during his new relationship with the possibly BPD OW. I think I don't want to hear from him for a long while. Sigh.

[calamity]

To misquote a famous line:  it ain't you, it's him

[toughtimes]

Crikey some of you have touched upon something I was afraid of that Iay have BPD? It's freaked me out because my behaviour kind of fits this description but I always thought I had terrible PMS and possibly just didn't like the way my H treated me at times? I guess we can fit any symptoms if we really look for it. Feel a little like I agree with calamity; bit like a student doctor becomes total hypochondriac I feel like I am aligning myself with anything I read which is negative "yes but that's me, I was like that. No wonder he left me, I bet people are telling him I have BPD" I even rang a helpline  to try and get a diagnosis over the phone. I was pretty paranoid that day!
My husband said he used to dread my birthday because in my 30th I had been so stressed buying flat etc. in run up I was really weird and bizarre and blamed him for not bothering to make it special. This fits with this description doesn't it? Calamity did you mention you found something online to find out if you are? Are BPD people only like this with romantic Rs or others too? Don't think I am, think my H was hard work and so was I!