[DancingInTheRain]

Stillpraying,
I think it's hard for many people to acknowledge the bad qualities in others as also belonging to themselves. I have a friend that is absolutely going through a MLC herself right now. Last summer she got a "tummy tuck" and a hair piece. In the fall she left her H of 20+ years. She met a guy on a dating site and hopped in his truck on the first day they met, had relations with him within 1-3 days and moved in with him on the 3rd day. She's also changing jobs now. I should add that she went through her "religious spell" during the winter. I guess she gets a check mark for all 4 pillars:)

Many times throughout this she has pointed out the horrible things that my runaway has done but then qualifies everything that she has done as different and that her marriage was bad for the past 5, 10...oh wait...now it's been bad since before it even happened.

I suspect that your sister is probably along those same lines. She probably doesn't talk about it at all either out of shame. IF they never did any counseling or anything afterwards the problem will probably be repeating itself.
J.

[Songanddance]

UKS - thanks for that little gem of info c/o RCR - Stand at a distance.
I'm in very early days and trying hard to detach but that little gem has just pulled me out of my current low after H being so yuck today!
That's what I have to do as a teacher when students are angry/upset etc... is stand at a distance and just look at the situation logically.
I am hoping and that is ok in principle and my hope makes me over analyse....
The tears I know are part of my healing but now that phrase is going onto my self help tapes !!
THANK YOU
(ps love the buggalugs reference)

[Stillpraying]

Wow. I was just thinking how do you know if they are ever truly sorry. I lost all my friends during the crying phase. No one wanted Debbie Downer and I was mad that they could still be friends with a man who left his family, didn't want to pay bills, and was chasing a 25 year old. He blames me. Said I had to keep talking bad about him and he sat back and they stayed with him. I talked about him because they were friends with him and saw a different story. The "I left my b*tchy wife because I can't take it anymore" story. And I got the "get over it move on" from them. It kills me that he could hurt me (a human being never mind wife) so easy and not bat an eye.

I have the same experience.  Either directly or indirectly people are showing me that they don't want to know or that H had a reason to leave.  My counsellor says it's fear it could happen to them ie if there was no reason in our marriage for H to leave then it could happen to anyone.  they need a reason so they can point a finger and say "well we don't behave like that so it won't happen to us". 
Sometimes I feel as though those around me also feel 'guilt' rather than 'remorse' or empathy for what has happened to our family.  they just don't want to 'go there' and walk beside me for a time.  I feel very alone and this is truly that hardest part and the most eye opening for me.  Where I expected close friends and family to emotionally support me, they have kept their distance.  That's Ok, it's their choice but when the tell me 'how to live my life as a betrayed, abandoned single parent of 4 young children with a monster for a H- ( "move on", "learn time management", "don't do so much" etc etc) but don't offer to help, then I get upset.

[joy1025]

I totally get what Stayed is saying..... I have heard a lot of SINCERE "I'm sorry" talk.... it is sincere... but it has LITTLE to do with ME, and EVERYTHING to do with HIM.... he is SORRY that hurting me makes him feel so guilty, because he LOVES me and hates that he is hurting me.... BUT..... and then here comes the blame..... that is NOT reconciling!!!

Wow, this is so true, he is sorry that all this happened, but he is not yet ready for reconciliation, my husband has said these exact same words to me but something about them rang false, now I know its because he is feeling guilt and not yet ready for the remorse stage.  Thanks for stating this so clearly!!

[stayed]

Sadly Joy1025 , the remorse is all for himself... until it is about what he did to you and your kids...his I'M SORRY'S mean nothing!

Lettinggo is right.  hugs Stayed

[OldPilot]

Stayed can you start a new guilt vs remorse thread?

[stayed]

As requested by OP... here is the new thread.

Quilt vs Remorse #2


http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3867.0