[Finding Hope]

Stayed,
 

I asked RCR about this and she is working on it but, I would love your opinion. My h ALWAYS says to me " I'm sorry you feel that way", what the hell is that suppose to mean? 

I'm suppose to be the one that says that, right?
Its like hes read the script. Its so condescending and frankly just makes me mad.

FH

[stayed]

Stayed,
 

I asked RCR about this and she is working on it but, I would love your opinion. My h ALWAYS says to me " I'm sorry you feel that way", what the hell is that suppose to mean? 

I'm suppose to be the one that says that, right?
Its like hes read the script. Its so condescending and frankly just makes me mad.

FH

Finding Hope:

That is cocky, sarcasm!  It's worse then no guilt and no remorse.  He's mocking you!  My h did that all the time, him being such a genius and all!  His preferred line of attack and gash was, subtle slams that basically said, I don't give a "sweet tweet" what you think! 

Nice eh!  Don't worry about it Finding Hope.. he will EAT THOSE WORDS some day!

hugs Stayed

[Finding Hope]

Stayed,

Good, and I hope that he chokes on him as he's trying to get them down 

FH

[being a lighthouse]

my h wants to reconnect but as yet not one word of apology . now don't get me wrong I don't expect  him begging forgiveness (how unnatractive that would be) but his ego is such that he thinks that I'll roll over on my back and have him tickle my tummy. as I have done in the past. http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/Smileys/default/shocked.gif
Until he takes responsibility for what he's done I am keeping him at arms length. I'm not sure I want reconcilitation at the moment. I feel nothing for him. not pity not love not gladness to have him around more (see my thread) .
For me I will need him to express taking responsibility for what he has done. It was not nothing when he said he didn't want to be emotionally involved with me anymore (and the rest). I fear I may be one of the LBS who has moved on. I don't know. and because I don't know I'm doing nothing.

[angelgirl]

stayed is correct: there is no remorse, and sometimes not even guilt in the tunnel. It is a post-tunnel discussion. Within the insane part of the tunnel, my H didn't want to feel "bad" about anything. Feeling bad made him angrier. He felt bad that his actions made HIM feel bad; it was more of a reason to put me and the girls in a box and treat us as if we didn't have feelings. H flat out said "i didn't think about you. I didn't miss you. I didn't cross my mind that you'd be in pain."
That was his "truth" at the time.

Lighthouse: I'm not sure my H had true remorse when he was reconnecting. I allowed him back into my life because I felt that I saw what he couldn't see -- he was feeling guilty and somewhere in there, was an H that wanted to get through the steps to remorse. It's just my two cents, but you can reconnect during this time and still protect your heart, because you know that down the line he may eventually feel remorse. In my sitch, i felt he was better off at home while going through that journey. So even though part of me was kept at arm's length, we didn't welcome him home with open arms. H felt secure, safe and it's where he wanted to be while he recovered. But this was my situation, and you know your H best and what's best for you while you go through this. The whole MLC process takes TIME.

Bottom line is that remorse is way down the timeline of MLC...

angelgirl

[underpressure]

I allowed him back into my life because I felt that I saw what he couldn't see -- he was feeling guilty and somewhere in there, was an H that wanted to get through the steps to remorse. It's just my two cents, but you can reconnect during this time and still protect your heart, because you know that down the line he may eventually feel remorse.

angelgirl, thank you for this strength. I know this really embodies the commitment to stand. I will try to follow! It's hard because I want healthy boundaries. Hard to have healthy boundaries with an MLCer who feels no remorse for abandoning his wife and young child, and still let them in the door.

[stayed]

Underpressure, first off, YOU have to be much healthier then you are at this moment before you even begin to WORRY about whether your h is showing true remorse, or guilt. 

All of this begins with us.  LBS who find "forums" like this one, are usually much, much healthier, content and confident of what they are looking for, if their MLCer's do return.  We learn so much from this experience, and from each others honest testimonies of their trials and tribulations, about their journey. 

WE need to be healthy enough to recognize what we are or are not seeing.  This isn't about "grandstanding gestures" of blind faith and devotion, this is a willingness to look beyond what has been and a desire to restore something that once was, quite lovely.  At the same time, at least from my own stand, I was also willing and prepared to WALK AWAY, if my h could not eventually feel and express, true remorse.  Not the self pitying guilt that was so obvious, when we first reconciled.   I can't speak on behalf of Angelgirl, but somehow, I think she would say the same thing.

Reconnecting/reconciling is not unconditional.  We can continue to love them to the day we die, but recognize that we could not have lived with them, without seeing real remorse.  At least, that is how I felt.

hugs Stayed

[underpressure]

thanks, stayed. Needed that.

[FindingJoJo]

Stayed,
 

I asked RCR about this and she is working on it but, I would love your opinion. My h ALWAYS says to me " I'm sorry you feel that way", what the hell is that suppose to mean? 

I'm suppose to be the one that says that, right?
Its like hes read the script. Its so condescending and frankly just makes me mad.

FH

Yikes - I wonder if they think it is condescending of us when we say that to them. 

[stayed]

Of course they do!  They also think, even if what we say is genuine, "it's too much, too late"!  In their minds, they gave us EVERY possibility to "change".  Of course, they were perfect and there was no need to touch such "perfection". 

They also find our "kindness, meekness, gentleness" to be pathetic and nothing more then an attempt to "suck" them back in.  Remember, they are on bat$h!tecrazy!  They see us as the manipulators! 

Lalalala... just more "singing in the rain".  Hugs Stayed