[Doc Hudson]

Stayed, I tend to agree that pointing out the shame and guilt that someone in 'crisis' SHOULD be feeling and SHOULD be reacting to will only serve to bring out the BEAST in the short term and sink them further into the mire over the long term.  Most of them are operating at a level of denial, avoidance, and evasion that prevents them from even admitting that they left a light on in the house during the day, let alone admitting that they have shown nothing but depraved indifference to those that they should love the most. 

[stayed]

Sad but true statement!  They simply cannot face that "part" of themselves.  I can understand that, I hate the "idea" that my h could be that person!!!!  No way of knowing if he could be again!  Seems to me, we take all the risks and they somehow get all the benefits.

Well said Doc Hudson.   

Hugs Stayed

[kikki]

Stayed - that's a scary thought. 
I know none of us have any guarantees, but has anyone heard of any MLCers who had such a splattering and public MLC as our spouses all have, who then came home - only to go on to have another MLC further down the track?

OMG - you really would shoot them that time wouldn't you.

My mother has asked me twice in the past couple of weeks - how could you ever trust him again if he wanted to come home.  How do we ever trust anyone ever again I would say.  Changes our perception about everything really.

[OldPilot]

Stayed - that's a scary thought. 
I know none of us have any guarantees, but has anyone heard of any MLCers who had such a splattering and public MLC as our spouses all have, who then came home - only to go on to have another MLC further down the track?

I would say it depends on the real underlying mental illness below the MLC.

My mother is bipolar and during her MLC it was much worse.
I do not think she is still MLC but her bipolar is still not cured, and she is 80 right now going through another round of bipolar.

[kikki]

That's a very good point OP.  So really, all of us are taking a bit of a gamble. 

Do you mean that during your mother's MLC her bipolar was much worse?

[OldPilot]

Do you mean that during your mother's MLC her bipolar was much worse?

YES - Absolutely, bipolar and replay craziness combined, and her divorce gave her lots of money that she blew through, travelled around the world and ended up with nothing.

Oh and there was never a real OM, just a fantasy one.

[honour]

That's a very good point OP.  So really, all of us are taking a bit of a gamble.

If your H has lied, deceived and committed adultery, your H is an abuser. We can use euphemisms such as MLCer but we are talking about people who have crossed the line into abusive behaviour. If you let an abuser into your life or back into your life, then gambling is exactly what you are doing. Gambling with your mental and physical health and your wellbeing.

honour 

EDIT: I accidentally modified honour's post instead of replying to it. I apologize.

[kikki]

Do you mean that during your mother's MLC her bipolar was much worse?

YES - Absolutely, bipolar and replay craziness combined, and her divorce gave her lots of money that she blew through, travelled around the world and ended up with nothing.

Oh and there was never a real OM, just a fantasy one.

My Mother is not bipolar, but I believe she too had a MLC (not that we knew what it was at the time).
Sounds very much like your mother - blew through lots of money by travelling and also ended up with nothing.
She did have another man, but has been on her own for many years. 
My Dad died 14 years ago, and often wonder whether they would have ever got back together or not.

Honour - while I understand what you are saying, and agree with you superficially - my H was none of those things before his crisis hit.  He was a very good man for twenty odd years.
From my perspective, I would like to know whether people ever have a second bout of crisis that is as huge as this one?
If I met someone new, I would know nothing about their history, and in my opinion, that would be a larger gamble than being with a man that I knew to be a good person for so long, who went through some tumultuous years, and was through the other side and feeling remorse.

[Stronger]

At this point in time I don't think I ever want a man again.. Sad but true , I'm worried I have been damaged by this  ..... and all I see around me are men in MLC and desperate middle aged women chasing them. I think I have lived in a bubble and see and hear things I never even knew existed . I think I'm going to become a hermit . I will never become one of those women... ever. And the thought of going thru this again just makes me ill.

[kikki]

Stronger - I think that is absolutely part of the healing process.  This all certainly opens our eyes to a sordid part of human nature - and it's not pretty.
Of course we are protecting ourselves from being hurt, and as we are 'working' on ourselves, we don't have the room for another relationship just yet. 

Never say never.  You don't need to worry about how you might feel in the future, because healing from this is a process for us too.