[Gallagher]

Thank you, Thank you,!  This helps so much.

 

[Anjae]

Well, mine has said “I’m sorry I hurt you” when I left, on BD and when OW1 was no more. He also said he knew he caused a lot of pain but there was nothing he could do since he needed to live his life and, anyway he “way suffocating” in the marriage. To me “I’m sorry I hurt you” does not equal remorse. It is just something said in order to try to gain my sympathy and let him be around. Actions will do it for me, not words.

[JAG]

AnneJ,

Are you sure we are not married to the same man ! haha....my H pretty much said the same exact thing! He is sorry but this is what he has to do and he has to live his life...uh really? would he like to say that to our kids when they are older that he just HAD TO go and sleep with OW and live his life and leave them without a father? Ummmm...something doesn't sound quite right . 

Oh MLC....those "sorry" mean nothing...."sorry I hurt you" mean nothing because they are always followed by a "but".  It is "sorry I hurt you and I will not bring hurt to you again and I will make it up to you and SHOW you that I am sorry for hurting you"....as they said in Jerry McGuire instead of "show me the money"..."show me the sorry"!

[FindingJoJo]

Well, mine has said “I’m sorry I hurt you” when I left, on BD and when OW1 was no more. He also said he knew he caused a lot of pain but there was nothing he could do since he needed to live his life and, anyway he “way suffocating” in the marriage. To me “I’m sorry I hurt you” does not equal remorse. It is just something said in order to try to gain my sympathy and let him be around. Actions will do it for me, not words.

You are so right - actions speak far louder than words.

[Anjae]

JAG, Maybe we share the same husband...  JoJo, yes, actions speak louder than words.

To be fare I think Stayed's "I'm sorry i hurt you" = remorse is for when they are already out of the tunnel and capable of really get the mess and hurt they've caused. Until then no amout of "I'm sorry" will do. And after, only "I'm sorry" will also not do.

Mine wanted to came and apologise after he broke with OW1. He would even come here and do it. I said no, I think it is better we don't meet. We will juts end up fighting. Also, he wanted to apologise, get a divorce that would only serve him and have me for his girlfriend. According to him, he wanted to apologise so everything was fine and we could date again. Right... 

[Stillpraying]

AnneJ,

Are you sure we are not married to the same man ! haha....my H pretty much said the same exact thing! He is sorry but this is what he has to do and he has to live his life...uh really? would he like to say that to our kids when they are older that he just HAD TO go and sleep with OW and live his life and leave them without a father? Ummmm...something doesn't sound quite right . 

This is exactly what I'd like to say to H and what makes me so angry about the whole ridiculous way they handle their problems.  No thoughts for the mess they leave behind.

Oh MLC....those "sorry" mean nothing...."sorry I hurt you" mean nothing because they are always followed by a "but".  It is "sorry I hurt you and I will not bring hurt to you again and I will make it up to you and SHOW you that I am sorry for hurting you"....as they said in Jerry McGuire instead of "show me the money"..."show me the sorry"!

My H still and always has, followed his 'Sorry's with a ....but......

[stayed]

Quite frankly, when I posted this guilt vs remorse, it was COMPLETELY for those that were reconnecting/reconciling.  I assumed that everybody whose spouses were still in the tunnel (crisis), would of course be still yapping about GUILT... and totally incapable of REMORSE! 

I don't think I have ever heard of one single MLCer that expressed, felt or showed TRUE REMORSE, while still in crisis, or even while beginning to come out, for that matter!!!  I posted this for those whose spouses were beginning to make apologies.  I thought it would help them to recognize sincerity, true remorse from guilt... hehehe... it APPEARS I was right... as almost everybody that has posted has talked about the total LACK OF SINCERE remorse from their MLCer!

When my h and I first reconnected/reconciled... he could not have been less sincere.  His only concern was for himself and how bad it made him feel about himself, when we tried to discuss this. Like everybody else's spouse, all he wanted to do, was sweep this under the carpet.  His favourite turn of phrase was, "I just want to move on, move forward, take back our life together.  Why do YOU feel the need to keep on raking this up?  Why can't you just let it go and enjoy our new life together?"  It was all about him.  He didn't like that person he was during his crisis, he didn't want to be reminded and he did not want to OWN it, any of it.  After almost a year of denying he was having a midlife crisis, it was suddenly his new "mantra"... his excuse... his alibi!!!  "I WAS IN CRISIS!!!"  Seeing as he was in CRISIS, that meant he wasn't RESPONSIBLE for his behaviour.  He married the wrong woman, if he thought I was going to let him away with that! 

I believe that if I had not continued to "rake" this up, it would have only FESTERED!  Killing whatever chance we had of recovering.  Most diseases cannot be left "untreated"... this is no different.

hugs Stayed

[Stillpraying]

Yes, one thing we learned on the 'Divorce Care course on the 'Reconciliation week was that there could not be reconciliation without acknowledgement for what has happened and remorse.  I can see from reading threads of those that are reconciling that it is very difficult to progress when the MLCer doesn't yet show remorse.  These LBSer's are VERY strong, hanging in there.

My H hasn't showed real remorse throughout our marriage.  Apologies always followed by "but...."  or "you should know I don't mean what I say when I'm angry".  There has ALWAYS been a justification from him for everything.  Not only through MLC.  Not sure if others have experienced this.

[stayed]

Stillpraying, I found exactly the same thing.  My h has always been "defensive", he still is.  He just finds it so difficult to say, "I WAS WRONG"!  He always twists it around and makes out, like it is ME who can't admit, I am wrong.  I have finally learned to truly keep track of when I outright say... "you are right hubby, I was wrong".  At least now, when he says, you don't do it, I can say, "oh yes, I do and name the times". 

I found it was/is really important to keep track of things you say.  I honestly believe that was part of our problem.  Once the argument or disagreement was over, for me it was done.  Even my grade 8 teacher used to laugh and say I was like a RAIN SHOWER... cloud over, pour rain and the sun bursts through just as quickly as it disappeared.  I have always been like that.  So, I never bothered to remember things my h or anybody say, or have said, or did.. or do to me.   Once I have dealt with it, I simply let it go. 

I don't do that any more.  Now, I keep track, even if I have to write things down, which I do.  I have a very bad memory especially about "bad stuff".  Quite frankly, I don't want to be angry and bitter, so I simply let stuff go.  Now, I write it down, forget about it, if needed I know where to pull out the saved information. 

It's a disturbing part of their personality I think.  Probably part of their upbringing, I know my h's parents... and NOBODY in that family admit they did it.  In that family it is lie... till you die!  Ugh, so frustrating... h really, really tries to own up, he absolutely knows lying is not allowed, but now it seems even more important to NEVER BACK down from statements that he makes.  Uggggghhh 

hugs Stayed

[JAG]

Stayed,

you bring up great points about remorse and guilt because only visible when they are coming out or completely out of the tunnel.  As you said, my husband is "sorry" just as a word....not knowing the true meaning.  However, I have a few questions for you, if you don't mind.  Can you elaborate on when your husband finally turned to remorse? How did he make his way back into your life? Your home? I find there are touch and go's with H but he is still deep in the tunnel...problem is that neither of us have a permanent home as I am iving with my parents and he is closing up shop in the apt. we used to rent.  He has verbalized that he is waiting for me to settle down in a new home and new country before he settles down (of course putting it on me).  But I guess my question is in reference to the fact that what are the signs that your husband gave to you that he wanted to come back home and try? How long after BD was it for you? I am just curious how it looked...was it when his guilt changed to remorse?

I don't know if I made any sense...but if you can decipher what I am trying to say, you are a genius and I thank you in advance